I can't believe that came from your mouth!
Bizarre
Oh Boy a Clown Is Suing Me!
Aug 25th
I love a good Internet LOLsuit.
From Steve Triola, an asshat who paints his face so the children he plays with can’t pick him out in a lineup:
Dr. Jones
I talked to my lawyer today and he is going forward with my case. He has called his contacts in the DC area, we think your operating somewhere out there. Also have contacted a lawyer that specializes in Internet crimes. I see you will not let me respond to your comments on your website. So I’m telling you now I want that video of me off of your site now! My lawyer is also going to be sending you an e-mail telling you to take it off. You have cost me thousands of dollars and destroyed my reputation. Before you slandered me I had worked on such shows in Hollywood as “Seventh Heaven and Ally McBeal. I did a pilot called channel surfing. Was on the dating game, the gong show and had small parts in several independent films. The LA times ran a story on me. The Long Beach Press Telegram and several other newspapers around the LA area. I have performed for several huge corporations. Been to hundred of children’s parties. I was one of the most popular clowns in the LA area. But that all changed when you made the claim that the clown in Illinois had moved to LA. to be near kids and now that you with your genius detective work have found him, he will have to change his name. You never even bothered to check and see if I was the same person that was arrested in Illinois.
You ran an article about Downtown The Clown being arrested for having position of child pornography then put a video of me under the article. Not only that! You said, “I was a douche bag and was annoying kids. Those kids at that party loved me. That’s why their parents put the video on YouTube. Did you even watch the video. Did you do any kind of back ground check on me what so ever. You knew nothing about me. What kind of education I have, what schools I attended, where I grew up. Where I had performed, who I had performed for. If I had any kind of criminal record at all. You did none of that, yet you decided to attack me. To destroy everything I worked so hard for over the last sixteen years. Then you call the home of those children a ghetto. Just because their African American and don’t have the kind of money you have. What is wrong with you?
You can hide and hide all you want. But you will be found and brought to justice. A jury is going to love this case. You picked the wrong person to mess with. This is not going away. You will be hearing from my attorney, I can promise you that.
Stephen Triola
Wow, that email brightened my evening. Lets see if there are any other videos of Downtown the Clown who is threatening to sue me for falsely outing him as a child molesting clown.
Here is one that I am also is pretty sure is not Downtown the Clown who was convicted of looking at Child Porn, but they are indeed clowns just like Stevie “McSuing Clown-o-lator” Triola, so everyone should use caution when putting kids around evil clowns with big teeth and stupid noses.
Oh no, is that going to get me sued again? Clowns. Its what’s cancelling Ally McBeal.
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Helpful Advice for Vegan Bill Clinton
Aug 24th
Bill Clinton announced that he is now a strict vegan, mostly not because it causes weight loss, but because his cholesterol is around 780, which would be great for a credit score, but not for a cholesterol level. So he went veg. So as a service to the newly veganized and girlishly slim former President, womanizer and convicted perjurer, here is some helpful advice from his friends at the Animal Liberation Front, a home grown terrorist outfit, known for bombing animal testing labs and for terrorizing scientists:
And lulz, by the way how the banner shows terrorists in ski masks cuddling bunnies!
Is Oral Sex Vegan?
Oral sex is vegan even though it may involve putting flesh in your mouth, as it shouldn’t really involve any cruelty or exploitation, and said flesh is taken out again eventually and returned to its rightful owner. If you decide to swallow any bodily liquids, well, once again, no one else has suffered to provide them, so it’s up to you… I doubt if anyone has done very much research on the health aspects of this, though.
After all, as Bill Clinton told all of today’s youth, eatin’ ain’t cheatin’, amIright? And its not likely that Ol’ Billy will be dating any vegan interns anyways, and I recall he liked them portly. But I think its a safe bet that Bill will be staying away from Hillary’s snatch. It looks like a petrified Pastrami on Rye with all those flaps and knotty bumps anyways.
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Today’s Tragic Earthquake
Aug 23rd
The earthquake that happened this afternoon, centered in Virginia, proved almost completely without injury or death. Well, except for a group of travelling Haitians who had constructed a mud hut behind a Safeway grocery store in Culpepper, Virginia.
The earthquake wiped out their wholly organic structure, killing three of the seven occupants, including a child of 8. Old mud, clay and other detritus used to build their primitive structure had collapsed and killed the trio.
Inside the Safeway store, several dozen yards away, a wine bottle had toppled off the shelf, shattering, causing a cleanup on ailse seven. More than one 30-something housewife had expressed their deepest sadness at the loss of a wonderful bottle of Sauvignon Blanc.
Meanwhile, the county morgue had come to retrieve the dead Haitians and offer county and state assistance to the survivors. The Haitian survivors, however, being too proud to accept help, chose instead to live in the encampment until they eventually cause an outbreak of cholera, after which they will die, in the tradition of their native customs.
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The Germans Know Something About Forced Labor
Aug 16th
An 11 Year Old boy in Germany called the cops because his Mom was making him do some chores around the house.
From the BBC here:
A boy of 11 called a German police emergency line to complain of “forced labour” after his mother told him to help clean the home.
They say he complained: “I have to work all day long. I haven’t any free time.” The boy replied that he had to clean the home and terrace.
Asked if he knew what forced labour was, the boy said he did, and the police officer asked to speak to his mother.
His mother told the officer the boy had kept threatening to call them, having repeatedly complained of having to do housework during the school holidays.
What a little brat.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Crazed Art Lady Attacks Again
Aug 15th
Henri Matisse – The Plumed Hat at National Art Gallery Washington, DC, originally uploaded by mbell1975.
I wrote about Susan Burns back in April when she went to the National gallery of Art in Washington DC and attacked a painting by Gaugin.
She is back now and has attacked another painting, The Plumed Hat by Henri Matisse. No word on why this painting was targeted, but Burns confesses to hearing voices in her head. Maybe she just hates paintings of women?
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Reason 247 to Homeschool: Pervy Music Teacher Won’t Bang Sex Doll on School Property
Aug 13th
Reason 247 to Homeschool: Pervy Music Teacher Won’t Bang Sex Doll on School Property, originally uploaded by BelchSpeak.
Meet Daniel Torrel. He is 56, teaches music and was just arrested for having sex with a doll baby with holes cut into it. He was on school grounds in Tennessee, under a foot bridge. School is out for summer but he was seen from the road. He is a father of two and blames his perversion on attention deficit disorder.
From wate.com here:
SPRING HILL, Tenn. – Police in Spring Hill arrested a local music teacher Thursday morning after he was caught engaging in a sex act with a doll outside a local elementary school.
Officers were called to Allendale Elementary School on Prescott Way in Spring Hill amid reports of a white male with a duffle bag under a bridge on school property. The bridge provides access to the school from the main road.
Spring Hill police witnessed the man, identified as 56-year-old Daniel Torroll, performing sex acts on a child-like doll police later discovered he’d cut holes into.
The officer reported the man was naked and in a location where he could be seen by people driving up to the school.
Authorities took Torroll into custody and charged him with public indecency, a misdemeanor.
He was issued a citation and ordered to stay off school property. He was not booked into the Williamson County jail.
According to Torroll, he suffers from an attention deficit disorder which he says affects his inability to resist certain sexual impulses, though none of which involve children.
I think jail time would be a great help to cure his supposed ADD. Freak.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Those Double X Chromosomes Sure Are Hard on the Polyglas
Aug 12th
The moral of this story: Take a cab home from the airport.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...This Lady Knows Whale Cock
Aug 8th
I get a feeling that this isn’t the first time she’s been this close to a giant penis. Watch as she runs out of breath with all of the fondling, pulling, twisting and punching of this massive mammal meat.
If it wasn’t for that huge gaping hole in the whale’s abdomen she would have been the first woman since Roseanne Barr to give a whale a happy ending on camera.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Cussing Celebrity Chefs Need Cyber Security Too
Aug 8th
This was Gordon Ramsay’s reaction when he discovered that his father in law had used spyware and keyloggers to breach his online accounts:
From The Reg here:
Sweary celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay is suing members of his wife’s family, alleging they used malware to gain illicit access to his business and personal email accounts.
Among other accusations against his wife’s family filed in a 42-page court document with the High Court in London, he accuses Chris Hutcheson – father of Ramsay’s wife Tana – of hiring IT expert Kevin Fung to use keylogging Trojans to steal passwords from several computers. Hutcheson is the former chief exec of Ramsay’s restaurant empire, and was contentiously dismissed by Ramsay last October.
Hutcheson was fired over allegations he withdrew hundreds of thousands in company funds to maintain a double life with a secret second partner and two children.
You know, the password hacking sounds a little run-of-the-mill. But stories of men maintaining double families always strikes me as absolutely bizarre. Who the hell has time to maintain two families? I have enough trouble keeping one!
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White Trash Dad Gets Crappy Tattoo
Aug 5th
I guess when you only get to see your daughter under state supervision every third weekend you mistaken crappy child art as something meaningful.
Looks like a gunshot wound and a gash from a tire iron. He should have knocked up someone with some artistic talent to let those creative genes trickle down to the offspring, ’cause this little girl is completely talentless.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...British Insurance Commercials Freak Me the Hell Out
Aug 5th
Here in the US we use a talking gecko with a British accent. Over in the UK they use meerkats with Austrian accents and, oh how cute!, they give away plushies when you buy their insurance.
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Scotty: Enterprise Chief Engineer and Cat Hoarder
Aug 4th
Not a lot of people know, but Lt. Commander Montgomery “Scotty” Scott was actually a drunken cat hoarder. His condition went mostly unnoticed while he was aboard the Enterprise because, as Chief Engineer and Transporter Tech, he was able to keep all of his hoarded sick pets stowed neatly in the matter/energy buffers aboard the ship.
Though the series creator Gene Roddenberry never directly reveals this side of the character, the clues are all there- the puffy red allergy-stricken eyes, and not to mention, the chronic transporter malfunctions due to the memory buffers being chronically full of digitized kitties. Once the problem became so bad that Captain Kirk was even split into two!
Keeping the cats in a stored buffer space came in handy, when years later, Scotty would use a similar trick to store himself in the transporter buffers after crashing on a Dyson’s sphere. This was a very difficult decision for him to do, because, in order to store his own pattern for so long, he had to clean the transporter memory buffers of some 30-plus years of cats, tribbles, and old space magazines he had been collecting that he had always meant to read but never got around to it.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Rolling Wolfpack
Aug 1st
I bet you didn’t know that you had to recharge your werewolves in the wall outlet at night, and I bet you also didn’t know that they can achieve speeds of 6 mph when rolling downhill.
I think this is the part of Jacob’s family that he doesn’t talk about.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Geeks Talk About a Strip Club
Jul 30th
I think its been a long time since I’ve been to a strip club, ’cause I don’t remember any of these “promotionals.” I LOLed at this poorly animated video taken from a recording of nerds talking to one another at a corporate cubefarm.
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Carmagedon Just a Coverup for Massive Zombie Outbreak
Jul 16th
The government has shut down a major interstate highway under the claim that there is major road construction that has to take place. In the mean time, absolutely no one is allowed on the road for over 48 hours. The real reason? A massive zombie outbreak has been detected and the government has to have space to contain it.
From LATimes here:
As construction progressed on the Mulholland Drive bridge over the 405 Freeway on Saturday afternoon, city and county officials toured the site and praised organizers for a smooth sailing “Carmageddon.”
City Councilman Paul Koretz and county Supervisor Zev Yaroslavsky visited the construction site early Saturday afternoon.
Yaroslavsky had previously taken a helicopter tour of the area, and said he was impressed with what he saw. “No one is on Santa Monica Beach or Zuma Beach. Hardly anyone is on [the] Pacific Coast Highway. It’s dead as a doornail out there,” he said. “There are no choke points anywhere we can see — there are no holdups anywhere.”
This is not quite a city wide outbreak, but it is significant that it requires federal and military intervention. This would put it somewhere just below a class 4 outbreak.
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It Was True Then and It’s True Now
Jul 12th
Girls need to bring soft bread and don’t skimp on the butter. This passage was from a popular sex ed dating manual from 1955- “Its Time You Knew” by Gladys Denny Shultz.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Fatty Au-Gratin
Jul 4th
TLC loves to have shows about freaky people. And how freaky is a fat chick who eats nothing but cheesy potatoes? I really love this woman’s half-sleeve tattoo and her reaction to cooked veggies.
And wow, this lady’s husband probably has to slather his boner with mashed potato flakes and queso to get some lovin’.
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Don’t Pump and Dump- Spray the Cops
Jun 30th
Stephanie Robinette is a new Mom. Congrats, I guess. She just got busted after getting hammered at a wedding and beating up her husband. When the cops showed up, she locked herself in the car. Funny thing about cops, they don’t take no for an answer when they ask you to come along. Steph here had another idea- She whipped out her lactating tit and squirted the cops, adding the charge of assault on police to resisting arrest and domestic battery. Good times!
From FoxNews here:
An Ohio woman attempted to fight off police trying to remove her from her car by spraying them with her breast milk. Stephanie Robinette got into a fight with her husband while attending a wedding at the Bridgewater Banquet & Conference Center in the city of Delaware on Saturday.
Her husband told police his 30-year-old wife struck him several times, then locked herself in their vehicle.
“When deputies attempted to remove Robinette from the vehicle, she advised the deputies that she was a breast-feeding mother,” said Sheriff Walter L. Davis III. As deputies went to restrain her, he said, Robinette “proceeded to remove her right breast from her dress and began spraying deputies and the vehicle with her breast milk.”
What an udder failure. Seems like those cops may be a little lactose intolerant, but no use crying over spilt milk.
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Half Dressed Businessman Still Making Headlines
Jun 22nd
Its summertime, so the businessman who loves to fly in frilly negligees is back making headlines. I blogged about this annoying freak before. I think he is trolling to attempt to get either an airline or TSA involved in a lolsuit. In this article below, referenced by Drudge, the man is in San Francisco. The article mentions how a black dude was booted from a flight for having saggy pants, but this freaky old white dude can fly without harassment.
From SFGate here:
Six days before a college football player was arrested at San Francisco International Airport in a dispute that began when a US Airways employee asked him to pull up his sagging pants, a man who was wearing little but women’s undergarments was allowed to fly the airline, a US Airways spokeswoman conceded Tuesday.
A photo of the scantily clad man was provided to The Chronicle by Jill Tarlow, a passenger on the June 9 flight from Fort Lauderdale, Fla., to Phoenix. Tarlow said other passengers had complained to airline workers before the plane boarded, but that employees had ignored those complaints.
So he’s been seen in DFW and SFO. Anyone else see this fruitcake at another airport? All of his astroglide gets confiscated by TSA so at least he won’t lube up in flight.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Midnight Music: Mooncup – “Love Your Vagina”
Jun 21st
Okay, this is actually a commercial for some type of silicon device that women are supposed to use to replace feminine napkins and tampons. Why? Who the hell can explain? Something about making the earth greener or something stupid like that, which makes no sense since most feminine products are all natural cotton already. The device? Its a little cup. Ladies, the website doesn’t say what happens to your menses when you use this. Maybe you can explain in the comments below. Anyways, here’s the song. The song is more pleasant than the paragraph I just finished typing.
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