I can't believe that came from your mouth!
Bizarre
Whackjob Alien Abduction Victim In Charge of UK Govt
Jun 18th
Simon Parkes works at a small town city council and claims to have been raped and fathered alien babies or something. And he says he and his wife tend to fight about it, perhaps due to the cost of needing gold-pressed-latinum to pay alien child support.
From the WashTimes here:
A city council member in a small seaside town in the U.K. is defending his beliefs in extra-terrestrial life — after claiming to have fathered a child with an alien.
Married father-of-three Simon Parkes, 53, who represents Stakesby on Whitby Town Council, said in a recent TV documentary that he and his wife fight because he has sexual relations with an alien called the Cat Queen about four times a year.The Labour councillor claims to have fathered a love child with the being, named Zarka.
“What will happen is that we will hold hands and I will say ‘I’m ready’ and then the technology I don’t understand will take us up to a craft orbiting the earth,” Mr. Parkes said in a documentary posted to YouTube, called Confessions Of An Alien Abductee.”“My wife found out about it and was very unhappy, clearly. That caused a few problems, but it is not on a human level, so I don’t see it as wrong,” he added. “I think I am fairly clear in my head that I am being monitored [by aliens] very closely and if there is anything that’s seriously about to happen or does happen then I am fairly confident in my own mind that they will intervene, they have in the past.”
Mr. Parkes, who was a councillor in Hackney during the 1990s, claims he has had experiences with aliens since birth, and his “real mother” is a 9-foot green alien with eight fingers. He said his experiences have not hindered his work.
Must be a Democrat. You get what you vote for. And remember, there are no such things as Aliens.
(1 votes, average: 6.00 out of 6)
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Peruvian Butt Slasher Convicted for NOVA Attacks
Jun 17th
Living in Northern VA can be pretty weird sometimes. A Peruvian man touring our region took a box cutter and slashed the asses of several women in area malls and shopping centers. He pleaded guilty in court today.
From WTOP here:
The man accused of slashing women’s buttocks in Northern Virginia malls has pleaded guilty in a Fairfax County court.
Johnny D. Guillen Pimentel admitted to sneaking up on four women and cutting their bottoms with a razor or box cutter.
He pleaded guilty Monday to two counts each of malicious wounding and unlawful wounding. He faces up to seven years in prison.
As part of a plea agreement, five other charges were dropped.
Pimentel’s motive behind the attacks was not explained.
Fairfax County police tied Pimentel to nine women who were victims of a series of attacks at area malls including Fair Oaks Mall, Greenbriar Shopping Center, Tysons Corner Mall and Farifax Towne Center in 2011.
Shopping at Tyson’s Corner can certainly be a pain in the ass, but dayam!
(1 votes, average: 6.00 out of 6) Loading ...
Georgia Stowaway Discovered in Moscow
Jun 12th
A black man from Georgia stowed away on a jetliner by holding onto the landing gear. That was his last mistake. Crews in Moscow found his frozen body along with blood stains after seven additional flights.
From the WaTimes here:
An iFly jet made seven flights carrying a dead man in its wheel well before crews in Moscow discovered the body.
Maintenance workers noticed blood stains last Thursday on the plane’s main landing gear struts. After inspecting the wheel well they found the remains of a man carrying a Georgia passport.
“According to a preliminary conclusion, the Afro-American man died from freezing. The man was apparently flying without a ticket,” the Investigative Committee said on its website.
Authorities say the stowaway boarded the plane four days before he was found dead.
There is no heat in the wheel wells, and its freezing at 38,000 feet. What a dumb way to go.
(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Old SQL Server and Miller Lite Commercial
Jun 12th
Look at the size of those eyeglasses on Billy in this commercial. They are as big as coffee saucers.
(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Crazy Liberal Actress Sent Obama Ricin Letters
Jun 9th
A crazy liberal actress thought it would be ingenious to kill two birds with one stone- get an insta-divorce and also smear 2nd Amendment Tea Party types by sending ricin-laced letters to President Obama and NYC Mayor Bloomberg. Her idea was to frame her husband- a military Vet- for the crime. Things didn’t go according to plan mostly because this bitch is crazy and stupid.
Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy
From ABC here:
Shannon Richardson had been married to her husband less than two years when she went to authorities and told them her suspicions: He was the one who had mailed ricin-laced letters to President Barack Obama and New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg threatening violence against gun-control advocates.When investigators looked closer, they reached a different conclusion: It was the 35-year-old pregnant actress who had sent the letters, and she tried to frame her estranged husband in a bizarre case of marital conflict crossing with bioterrorism.
Richardson, a mother of five who has played bit roles on television and in movies, was arrested and charged with mailing a threatening communication to the president. The federal charge carries up to 10 years in prison.
Richardson contacted authorities on May 30 and implicated her husband, Nathaniel Richardson. She described finding small, brown beans with white speckles — a description matching the key ingredient in ricin, castor beans — at the couple’s home in New Boston, Texas. She also told investigators that she had found a sticky note on her husband’s desk with addresses for Bloomberg and Obama.
But she later failed a polygraph test, the document said, and investigators looking into her story found numerous inconsistencies. Among them: Nathaniel Richardson would have been at work when Internet searches tied to the letters were made on the couple’s laptop and when the envelopes containing the letters were postmarked.
Finally, in an interview with authorities on Thursday, Shannon Richardson admitted that she had received syringes and lye — a caustic chemical used in making ricin — in the mail; that she had printed the labels for the letters; and that she mailed them. However, she insisted her husband typed them and “made her” print and send them.
Okay, this guy is now going to win every contest for who has the craziest ex-girlfriend. Plus, she has five kids and only got married to this guy two years ago and she goes to these bizarre lengths to get out of the relationship? She should have just had one of those “We need to talk” conversations.
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Stinky Power Rangers Make Bad Neighbors
Jun 9th
I wonder what you have to do to your neighbors to make them dress up like a Power Ranger and drop a deuce on your grill cover?
From the Chron here:
A man reported that someone removed his grill cover and defecated in it.
Part of the incident was captured on a home security video shortly before 2 a.m. Saturday, June 1.
The video shows a male wearing a shiny gray Power Ranger outfit, his face obscured by a matching balaclava coming on the property and walking off camera carrying the grill cover – but not the defecation, as that most likely occurred off-camera.
The homeowner told police he does not know who the man is because the man’s face was obscured by the balaclava.
So the owner of the grill has reasons to watch his doors with closed circuit cameras. But what would drive a neighbor to do this? Maybe his neighbors really hates the brisket this guy makes.
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BreastMilk Lollipops?
Jun 5th
Lollipops with artificial breast milk flavoring is now available for purchase. But the question that remains is why? If a child is old enough to eat a lollipop, which is a huge choking hazard, then that same child is probably already weaned from breast milk. Is the lollipop supposed to remind a child of happier times? Wouldn’t the kid prefer grape or cherry over breastmilk?
From Fox here:
Mothers looking to give their children a unique, yet familiar, candy treat are in luck. A lollipop company based in Austin, Texas called Lollyphile is offering new Breast Milk Lollipops, meant to mimic the flavor of a mother’s milk.
According to Lollyphile’s website, numerous mothers shared their breast milk with the company’s “flavor specialists,” until they were able to turn the flavor into a candy.
The limited edition lollipops aren’t cheap. Four will cost you $10. A case of 36 Breast Milk Lollipops costs $58.
I’m sure the candy maker has a ready market of hippy-dippy organic soy swilling eco-religionists who would think this is awesome. I think its stupid and gross. But if this guy can take money from those progressive moms, then it makes me happy.
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Not That Kind of Dog Grooming
Jun 2nd
Mexicans with canine superpowers like Cesar Milan, the dog whisperer, is a national asset. Mexicans with the ability to arouse and seduce pitbulls? Not so much.
From JWF here:
A 50-year-old Chicago man who had been on a tour at the city pound was charged with having sex with a pit bull.
Gerardo Perez was charged with having sexual conduct with an animal, a felony, and burglary,.
Perez was arrested after he and a group took a tour of the Chicago Animal Care and Control Facility.
After the man broke off from the tour group, an employee of the facility spotted him going into a restricted area. After the employee told the man to leave the restricted area, the man left but returned a short time later.
When the employee returned, he found the man inside the restricted area again and inside a cage with a white and grey pit bull, on his hands and knees on the side of the dog, and it appeared the man had just had sexual contact with the animal.
You really have to watch it, them pit bulls can clamp down. And who the hell gives tours of your dog pound? I guess if the critter was scheduled for execution, some would-be dog whisperers think it would be a shame to let a piece of tail go to waste. But hey, it still wasn’t as bad as what Michael Vick did to his dogs.
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Michael Douglas Claims That Eating a Mountain of Pussy Gave Him Throat Cancer
Jun 2nd
The headline basically says it all. Here is the story. Douglas, who was a sex addict, claims that eating skanky chicks with HPV or Human PapillomaVirus- or genital warts, caused him to have throat cancer. It should be noted that this news was released just after Douglas deep-kissed Matt Damon for the HBO movie about Liberace.
I participated in some epic twitter mockery:
@wonderlandr and good luck on getting Matt Damon to kiss him again in the Liberace sequel.
— Dr. Jones (@BelchSpeak) June 2, 2013
@wonderlandr SURPRISE!!Damon is booked for the rest of the month gargling Listerine.
— Dr. Jones (@BelchSpeak) June 2, 2013
@stevehuff now Matt Damon does too.
— Dr. Jones (@BelchSpeak) June 3, 2013
Michael Douglas: Analingus Destroyed My Breath
— Uncle Dynamite (@UncleDynamite) June 3, 2013
In other news, blowjobs prevent prostate cancer.
— Sarah Thyre (@SarahThyre) June 2, 2013
My throat must look like Chernobyl.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) June 2, 2013
Most people get throat cancer by smoking cigs. Michael Douglas one-ups those losers by smoking skaggs. #LickPussyThroughYourStomaFools
— Dr. Jones (@BelchSpeak) June 3, 2013
“Eating pussy gave me Cancer” = ultimate humblebrag.
— Morgan Murphy (@morgan_murphy) June 2, 2013
Now I can only imagine Michael Douglas eating pussy by turning his throat inside out like a bullfrog eating flies. #Ribbit
— Dr. Jones (@BelchSpeak) June 3, 2013
In other news Michael Douglas teaches classes on reading Braille with your tongue.
— Dr. Jones (@BelchSpeak) June 3, 2013
This is what a young Michael Douglas practiced on before going for the world record for cancerous pussy eating. twitter.com/BelchSpeak/sta…
— Dr. Jones (@BelchSpeak) June 3, 2013
(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Best Idea Ever: Injecting Swollen Tick With Peroxide
Jun 1st
Okay, this is awesome. Blowing up ticks in the name of science!
(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...BatShiat Amy’s Baking Company Brings the Internets Drama
May 28th
Amy’s Baking Company is run by a zombie-eyed egotistical freak and her old-ass husband who may be on the run from justice. This crazy couple act like Captain Queeg when it comes to criticism on Social Media. They accuse “haters” of being Yelpers who are out to ruin their lives, yet in reality, Amy can’t cook. Now three journalists have been kicked out of the restaurant because Sammy can’t pour drinks or keep the bugs out of the restaurant (which is likely due to poor cleaning habits). Here are three videos that shows how paranoid and crazy Amy is, along with the full episode of Kitchen Nightmares. Hey, someone let me know if these vids get yanked by YouTube by leaving a comment, mkay?
LULZY: Their official Twitter page may have been hacked- the hyperlink to amysbankingcompany.com in the bio section redirects to an official White House petition to have Amy committed to a psych ward.
(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Crazy Suffolk Mom Moons Schoolbus; Gets Jailtime
May 24th
A scrawny woman, upset that he kid can’t behave on the schoolbus, thought she’d pick a fight with the bus driver who complained about her son’s behavior. She mooned the bus driver and earned a jail sentence.
Suffolk mom accused of mooning school bus
From HamptonRoads here:
A mother of a middle school student was convicted of disorderly conduct this week after mooning her son’s bus driver and the roughly 45 students riding the bus.
Lisa Marie Grant, 34, of Suffolk was sentenced to six months in jail with all but one month suspended and fined $250 for the misdemeanor, according to court records.
Also on Tuesday, a General District Court judge found Grant not guilty of an indecent exposure charge.
Lisa is 34 but looks like she’s had a rough life already. And nice hair color for the TV interview. Some advice- Behave.
(1 votes, average: 6.00 out of 6) Loading ...
Decapitated Birds in Vegas Stays in Vegas
May 24th
Meet Justin Teixeira. His family is paying big bucks to make him a rich elite Democrat by sending him to law school in Berkeley. Between studying his books, Justin and his buddies like to go to Vegas and rip the heads off of rare exotic birds at the Flamingo hotel.
From Breitbart here:
A 26-year-old law school student at the University of California in Berkeley pleaded no contest Wednesday for his role in the beheading of an exotic bird at Flamingo Hotel’s wildlife habitat on the Las Vegas Strip. Hazhir Kargaran is the third Berkeley student to be charged for the incident that occurred October 12.
Justin Teixeira (pictured above) is currently awaiting trial for allegedly grabbing a helmeted guinea fowl named Turk and decapitating it.
Justin is definitely doing Vegas wrong. Play some games, see a show, have some beverages, grab a nice meal at a buffet and enjoy the pool. For some reason, Justin’s to-do list included choking a prehistoric chicken.
(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...OccuTards Give Farming a Try
May 19th
There is a 12 Acre plot of land owned by the University of California. UC wants to sell the land for development into a strip mall. OccuTards are invading it to plant veggies. This is their video.
(1 votes, average: 6.00 out of 6) Loading ...Dirty Hippies Really Hate Clown Sharks
May 17th
Nothing harshes the buzz of a long-haired hippie like the appearance of the dreaded Clown Shark.
Thanks to Dan for the tip!
(1 votes, average: 6.00 out of 6) Loading ...Creepiest Spine Adjustments Ever
May 15th
And WTF is this guy doing with his fingers in this lady’s mouth??
(1 votes, average: 6.00 out of 6) Loading ...Reason 140 to HomeSchool: Eeeewww- School Counselor Bangs Her Dog
May 13th
Meet Stephanie Mickles- when she is not counselling school kids on their behavior, she is misbehaving herself by stuffing her vajayjay full of pooches.
And of course she is still an employee while the court case is pending. Eee-yuuuuck.
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Stoner Chicago Man Arrested for Fatal Gay Sex With a Peacock
May 11th
The peacock is the most colorful of the male birds. David Beckman, below, raped his peacock in the cloaca, and managed to get arrested for it.
From NBC here, which, by the way, has a peacock as its official logo:
David Beckman, 64, faces a charge of misdemeanor animal cruelty after police said he sexually abused his pet peacock.
Beckman was charged with the crime after police learned the bird died while they were investigating Beckman about an alleged case of indecent solicitation of a child.
Details surrounding the case with the peacock, reportedly named Phyl, were unclear FridayCourt records confirmed Beckman faces three charges of harassment by telephone, unlawful possession of drug paraphernalia, two counts of marijuana possession, attempted indecent solicitation of a child, cruelty to animals, and two counts of battery.
Look, it wouldn’t be so gay if he banged a peaHEN, not a peacock. And he screwed it to death. David Beckman apparently smokes a couple of doobs, bangs a peacock, and asks kids to sit on his lap. Or Thursday. I’m sure Beckman will say the peacock was coming onto HIM.
(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Nightmare Fuel: Kill a Praying Mantis to Release a Demonic Serpent
May 8th
Well, I guess I’ll be sleeping with the lights on tonight. You should too. Watch this.
At first, I thought, “awwww, poor praying mantis,” but then I was reminded of the soldiers in Aliens begging to be killed after implantation.
(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Cleveland’s Hero Charles Ramsey Gets Songified
May 8th
This Dead Giveaway video is hilarious.
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