Idiots, morons, and assorted stupidity
Simon Parkes works at a small town city council and claims to have been raped and fathered alien babies or something. And he says he and his wife tend to fight about it, perhaps due to the cost of needing gold-pressed-latinum to pay alien child support.
From the WashTimes here:
A city council member in a small seaside town in the U.K. is defending his beliefs in extra-terrestrial life — after claiming to have fathered a child with an alien.
Married father-of-three Simon Parkes, 53, who represents Stakesby on Whitby Town Council, said in a recent TV documentary that he and his wife fight because he has sexual relations with an alien called the Cat Queen about four times a year.
The Labour councillor claims to have fathered a love child with the being, named Zarka.
“What will happen is that we will hold hands and I will say ‘I’m ready’ and then the technology I don’t understand will take us up to a craft orbiting the earth,” Mr. Parkes said in a documentary posted to YouTube, called Confessions Of An Alien Abductee.”
“My wife found out about it and was very unhappy, clearly. That caused a few problems, but it is not on a human level, so I don’t see it as wrong,” he added. “I think I am fairly clear in my head that I am being monitored [by aliens] very closely and if there is anything that’s seriously about to happen or does happen then I am fairly confident in my own mind that they will intervene, they have in the past.”
Mr. Parkes, who was a councillor in Hackney during the 1990s, claims he has had experiences with aliens since birth, and his “real mother” is a 9-foot green alien with eight fingers. He said his experiences have not hindered his work.
Must be a Democrat. You get what you vote for. And remember, there are no such things as Aliens.
Yeah, this attention whore in the red dress really knows how bring the house down.
Bloody Bride’s nose, the band broke up, and a scowling family.
A black man from Georgia stowed away on a jetliner by holding onto the landing gear. That was his last mistake. Crews in Moscow found his frozen body along with blood stains after seven additional flights.
From the WaTimes here:
An iFly jet made seven flights carrying a dead man in its wheel well before crews in Moscow discovered the body.
Maintenance workers noticed blood stains last Thursday on the plane’s main landing gear struts. After inspecting the wheel well they found the remains of a man carrying a Georgia passport.
“According to a preliminary conclusion, the Afro-American man died from freezing. The man was apparently flying without a ticket,” the Investigative Committee said on its website.
Authorities say the stowaway boarded the plane four days before he was found dead.
There is no heat in the wheel wells, and its freezing at 38,000 feet. What a dumb way to go.
A crazy liberal actress thought it would be ingenious to kill two birds with one stone- get an insta-divorce and also smear 2nd Amendment Tea Party types by sending ricin-laced letters to President Obama and NYC Mayor Bloomberg. Her idea was to frame her husband- a military Vet- for the crime. Things didn’t go according to plan mostly because this bitch is crazy and stupid.
From ABC here:
Shannon Richardson had been married to her husband less than two years when she went to authorities and told them her suspicions: He was the one who had mailed ricin-laced letters to President Barack Obama and New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg threatening violence against gun-control advocates.
When investigators looked closer, they reached a different conclusion: It was the 35-year-old pregnant actress who had sent the letters, and she tried to frame her estranged husband in a bizarre case of marital conflict crossing with bioterrorism.
Richardson, a mother of five who has played bit roles on television and in movies, was arrested and charged with mailing a threatening communication to the president. The federal charge carries up to 10 years in prison.
Richardson contacted authorities on May 30 and implicated her husband, Nathaniel Richardson. She described finding small, brown beans with white speckles — a description matching the key ingredient in ricin, castor beans — at the couple’s home in New Boston, Texas. She also told investigators that she had found a sticky note on her husband’s desk with addresses for Bloomberg and Obama.
But she later failed a polygraph test, the document said, and investigators looking into her story found numerous inconsistencies. Among them: Nathaniel Richardson would have been at work when Internet searches tied to the letters were made on the couple’s laptop and when the envelopes containing the letters were postmarked.
Finally, in an interview with authorities on Thursday, Shannon Richardson admitted that she had received syringes and lye — a caustic chemical used in making ricin — in the mail; that she had printed the labels for the letters; and that she mailed them. However, she insisted her husband typed them and “made her” print and send them.
Okay, this guy is now going to win every contest for who has the craziest ex-girlfriend. Plus, she has five kids and only got married to this guy two years ago and she goes to these bizarre lengths to get out of the relationship? She should have just had one of those “We need to talk” conversations.
Sometimes you just have to let things go. Especially if that thing is your iPhone that you dropped on the Subway tracks. Just let it go. Don’t jump onto the tracks to retrieve it like this guy from the Bronx.
From CBS here:
A man was killed by a subway train in the Bronx early Saturday, after he jumped down onto the tracks to grab a cell phone he had dropped.
The 22-year-old man jumped onto the tracks and was killed by the No. 2 train at White Plains Road and East 241st Street, in the Wakefield section of the Bronx.
I get it. You don’t want to lose your high score on Angry Birds. Just don’t jump onto the rail tracks.
Lollipops with artificial breast milk flavoring is now available for purchase. But the question that remains is why? If a child is old enough to eat a lollipop, which is a huge choking hazard, then that same child is probably already weaned from breast milk. Is the lollipop supposed to remind a child of happier times? Wouldn’t the kid prefer grape or cherry over breastmilk?
From Fox here:
Mothers looking to give their children a unique, yet familiar, candy treat are in luck. A lollipop company based in Austin, Texas called Lollyphile is offering new Breast Milk Lollipops, meant to mimic the flavor of a mother’s milk.
According to Lollyphile’s website, numerous mothers shared their breast milk with the company’s “flavor specialists,” until they were able to turn the flavor into a candy.
The limited edition lollipops aren’t cheap. Four will cost you $10. A case of 36 Breast Milk Lollipops costs $58.
I’m sure the candy maker has a ready market of hippy-dippy organic soy swilling eco-religionists who would think this is awesome. I think its stupid and gross. But if this guy can take money from those progressive moms, then it makes me happy.
The headline basically says it all. Here is the story. Douglas, who was a sex addict, claims that eating skanky chicks with HPV or Human PapillomaVirus- or genital warts, caused him to have throat cancer. It should be noted that this news was released just after Douglas deep-kissed Matt Damon for the HBO movie about Liberace.
I participated in some epic twitter mockery:
@wonderlandr and good luck on getting Matt Damon to kiss him again in the Liberace sequel.
— Dr. Jones (@BelchSpeak) June 2, 2013
@wonderlandr SURPRISE!!Damon is booked for the rest of the month gargling Listerine.
— Dr. Jones (@BelchSpeak) June 2, 2013
@stevehuff now Matt Damon does too.
— Dr. Jones (@BelchSpeak) June 3, 2013
Michael Douglas: Analingus Destroyed My Breath
— Uncle Dynamite (@UncleDynamite) June 3, 2013
In other news, blowjobs prevent prostate cancer.
— Sarah Thyre (@SarahThyre) June 2, 2013
My throat must look like Chernobyl.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) June 2, 2013
Most people get throat cancer by smoking cigs. Michael Douglas one-ups those losers by smoking skaggs. #LickPussyThroughYourStomaFools
— Dr. Jones (@BelchSpeak) June 3, 2013
“Eating pussy gave me Cancer” = ultimate humblebrag.
— Morgan Murphy (@morgan_murphy) June 2, 2013
Now I can only imagine Michael Douglas eating pussy by turning his throat inside out like a bullfrog eating flies. #Ribbit
— Dr. Jones (@BelchSpeak) June 3, 2013
In other news Michael Douglas teaches classes on reading Braille with your tongue.
— Dr. Jones (@BelchSpeak) June 3, 2013
This is what a young Michael Douglas practiced on before going for the world record for cancerous pussy eating. twitter.com/BelchSpeak/sta…
— Dr. Jones (@BelchSpeak) June 3, 2013
A tiny Lego gun the size of a quarter landed a 6-year-old in detention. Since adults in the education system are too retarded to tell the difference between a tiny toy and a real gun, they bully children by waving around zero-tolerance policies. When the child was spotted on the bus with this minuscule toy by a Stalinist tattling tot, he was shamed by the school and sent to a day’s worth of timeout.
From the DC here:
Yet another student has landed in a heap of trouble for having something that represents a gun, but isn’t actually anything like a real gun.
This time, the perpetrator was a six-year-old boy. The menacing weapon in question was a plastic Lego G.I. Joe gun roughly the size of a quarter.
The incident unfolded Friday morning on a school bus headed to Old Mill Pond Elementary School in Palmer, Mass. Another student on the bus spotted the Lego piece and promptly shouted to the driver.
School officials, who declined to speak to the ABC affiliate, promptly sent a letter home to all parents explaining the incident. The letter assured parents that there was no real gun, only a small molded piece of plastic from a Danish toy conglomerate.
According to Crane, her son was forced to apologize to the bus driver in a letter. He has to serve detention on Tuesday. Also, he may face a temporary suspension from riding the bus.
If this happened to my kid, the apology letter would go something like this:
I’m sorry your education and maturity did not afford you to be able to make grown-up decisions about safety and common sense judgement. Toys can be scary to stupid people, and for that, I apologize. Your inability to make safety and security judgments will certainly deter me from putting my life at risk with you behind the wheel of a giant school bus.
Whenever you hear about schools trying to stop bullying, keep in mind that bullying is not only taking place, it has the sanctioning of the school system too. The school decides who should be bullied and who shouldn’t. Zero Tolerance policies are huge bullies, are harmful to children, and can’t possibly teach a child what is fair and what is not.
In what will be sure to be the Internet’s number one fanfiction heroine, the Hub is launching a superhero kids show where a little boy puts on a magic gay ring and he turns into a crime fighting chick.
From Breitbart here:
SheZow… follows the adventures of a 12-year-old boy named Guy who uses a magic ring to transform himself into a crime-fighting girl. Yes, you read that correctly. When Guy says the magic words – “You go girl!” – he becomes SheZow, wearing a purple skirt and cape, as well as pink gloves and white boots.
The chief executive of the Hub, who may or may not have been high (and leftist) when she greenlit this project, is Margaret Loesch. Loesch commented, “When I first heard about the show, my reaction was ‘Are you out of your minds?’ Then I looked at it and I thought, ‘This is just funny.’”
The target audience for the Hub is children aged two to eleven.
Wow, even the superhero icon on this character’s chest and belt looks like a jizz stain. I guess that got there by SheZow giving handies with those gigantic four-fingered square hands. Never trust a superhero with manhands and an adam’s apple. That’s superhero conduct code rule Number 8.
Sarah McClay was a zookeeper who liked to pretend to be a kittie kat, and apparently decided to end it all by climbing into the tiger cage where she worked.
From the DailyMail here:
Police investigating the death of a young female zoo keeper who was fatally mauled by a tiger have not ruled out suicide.
Sarah McClay, 24 , was attacked by a Sumatran tiger at the park in Dalton-in-Furness, Cumbria, on Friday afternoon after she went into its enclosure. Bosses at the park say she had no reason to be in the area.
Mr Gill said keepers follow ‘strict protocol’ and would never enter an animal enclosure without first radioing for permission, something Ms McClay, whom he described as ‘very professional’, did not do.
He saw her dragged the length of the enclosure and fired two shots at the animal, but it was too late.
‘You do not have a hope if a tiger gets hold of you,’ he said.
A lot of hippie chicks are getting eaten by lions and tigers these days. A good trend I think.
Former Nickelodeon TV star and current Choom Gang hottie Amanda Bynes was arrested by police for drug possession, endangering the public and tampering with evidence. Cops went to investigate the roiling cloud of pot smoke from her high-rise apartment and a choking, red-eyed Bynes threw a foot-long bong out the 36 story window into the streets below. And she wore this ridiculous blonde wig to disguise herself:
From the DailyMail here:
Amanda Bynes was taken away by police in handcuffs after being arrested for reckless endangerment after throwing a foot-long bong out of the window of her 36th floor New York apartment.
The incident came after police arrived to speak to the troubled actress about her alleged marijuana use on Thursday night.
She was then taken to a hospital for a psychiatric evaluation before being booked at the police station for criminal of possession of marijuana, reckless endangerment and tampering with evidence.
If she keeps smoking all that dope she’ll never lose the weight. Pot make you Howngry, or so I’m told.
Two jackasses in Florida could be facing Federal charges for messing with the downsiest of dolphins, the beloved ass-faced manatee.
From Breitbart here:
Three men could face federal wildlife abuse charges after a video showed a man jumping onto two manatees in a South Florida canal, officials say.
The video, posted on Facebook and YouTube, was recorded a year ago in a Cocoa Beach neighborhood. The Orlando Sentinel reported Tuesday.
A man and two friends are shown in the video luring an adult manatee and a calf close to a dock with fresh water from a hose.
The adult manatee is jumped on by one of the men cannonball-style. The calf is almost hit too. The manatees try to swim away as the men laugh and the diver swims back to the dock.
Federal manatee harassment charges are expected to be filed against the men, say investigators with the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service.
Dumbasses. Hope the penalty is expensive.
There is a 12 Acre plot of land owned by the University of California. UC wants to sell the land for development into a strip mall. OccuTards are invading it to plant veggies. This is their video.
It looks like the lulziest thing that the script-kiddies in Lulzsec will do will be to go to jail. Four members of Lulzsec were sentenced last Thursday in a British court.
From LegalInsurrection here:
A British court handed down jail time Thursday to four hackers that were part of a notorious splinter group of the Anonymous hacker collective known as LulzSec.
- Ryan Cleary, 21, aka “ViraL,” received 32 months. Cleary will also receive a separate sentence in connection with a charge of possession of images showing child abuse, to which he pleaded guilty.
- Jake Davis, 20, aka “Topiary,” received two years
- Ryan Ackroyd, 26, aka “Kayla,” received 30 months
- Mustafa Al-Bassam, 18, aka “tFlow,” was given 20-months, though his sentence was suspended for two years. Bassam was still in school when the attacks were carried out, likely a consideration in the Judge’s decision to suspend Bassam’s sentence.
The LulzSec splinter group was largely disrupted after it was revealed in an unsealed indictment in the US that one if its core members, Hector Xavier Monsegur aka “Sabu,” was previously arrested and had been secretly cooperating with the FBI to help infiltrate and disrupt the group. Sabu’s cooperation is believed to have exposed many of the other LulzSec members’ activities and resulted in some of the subsequent indictments.
As mentioned previously, these skiddies are already pretending to be arm-flapping asspies to avoid extradition to the United States to face charges. I just hope those British jail cells allow enough wiggle room for their arm flapping- but if not, there is always the exercise yard.
Richard Swanson quit his job and sold his house and was going to dribble a soccer ball all the way from Seattle to Brazil as a charity stunt. He became roadkill, but at least they saved his soccer ball.
From FoxNews here:
A Seattle man trying to dribble a soccer ball 10,000 miles to Brazil in time for the 2014 World Cup died Tuesday after being hit by a pickup truck on the Oregon Coast.
Police in Lincoln City, Ore., said 42-year-old Richard Swanson was hit at about 10 a.m. while walking south along U.S. Highway 101 near the city limits. He was declared dead at a hospital. The driver has not been charged.
Police said Palmer’s soccer ball was recovered.
Of course everyone is calling this guy an hero for bumming naps on couches and walking to Brazil with a stupid ball. He decided to become a bum who chased his stupid ball into the path of an oncoming truck. Doesn’t sound very heroic to me.
After years of catching kids with a big butterfly net and tattooing their places of origin on her body, Angelina Jolie decided she would cut off her breasticles in order to not get cancer. This is also the same woman who used to carry a vial of Billy Bob Thornton’s blood around her neck, so her logic in this decision is impeccable. Of course the press is fawning over her calling her “Brave” and “Courageous” instead of “Bat Shiat Crazy.”
From Reuters here:
Hollywood star Angelina Jolie has had a double mastectomy to reduce her chances of getting breast cancer and says she hopes her story will inspire other women fighting the life-threatening disease.
The Oscar-winning actress said her doctors had estimated she had an 87 percent risk of breast cancer and 50 percent risk of ovarian cancer.
“Once I knew this was my reality, I decided to be proactive and to minimize the risk as much as I could. I made a decision to have a preventive double mastectomy,” she said.
Partner and fellow Hollywood star Brad Pitt was by Jolie’s side through three months of treatment that ended late in April, she said. The two became engaged last year.
Brad Pitt is a freakin’ schmuck. He dumped Jennifer Anniston to chase after Angelina’s Tig Ol’ Bitties and stood mutely by while she collected one of each children from the poorest locations on the planet like they were Burger King Smurf glasses. Then the stupid woman went anorexic while she tattooed her body so much she looked like she had been run over by a truck- Then Brad Pitt offers to marry this broken bitch and as soon as she says yes, she lops off her boobies. Maybe the doctor will suggest that Jolie might get brain cancer. Will she cut off her head next? Will the press continue to fawn over her noble bravery?
Meet Dalton Newhouse. He’s a West Virginia Trailer-dwelling gun nut and loves to shoot anything with feathers or fur. He is such a great shot that he can even shoot down high tension power lines. His idea to shoot down power lines to sell the copper worked out about as well as you could imagine for this genius. Dalton went to those happy hunting grounds in the sky when he picked up the power line and ate 50,000 volts.
From the Charleston Gazette here:
22-year-old Dalton Newhouse of Oak Hill, and an accomplice, used a rifle to shoot down a high-tension power transmission line, police said. They planned to strip the line of its copper wiring and sell it.
When Newhouse picked up the wire, it killed him instantly, according to a news release. His accomplice was identified as Charles Raymond Norris, 22, of Oak Hill, who was arrested Wednesday.
Norris was charged with attempting to commit a felony, conspiracy to commit a felony and disruption of a public utility.
He was arraigned in Fayette County Magistrate Court, where he posted his own bail.
Appalachian Power spokesman Phil Moye said about 50 customers were without electricity for three hours. He called copper thefts a “tragedy” and urged would-be thieves to think twice.
Its a real shame if this idiot left family behind but he really got what he deserved. Man, this blog post just reminded me that I need to get batteries for my Blu-Ray remote.
Meet Stephanie Mickles- when she is not counselling school kids on their behavior, she is misbehaving herself by stuffing her vajayjay full of pooches.
And of course she is still an employee while the court case is pending. Eee-yuuuuck.
Ashleigh Banfield of CNN fakes a satellite hookup to Nancy Grace to discuss the Jody Arias case. But in reality, they are both in the same parking lot. You can see the same vehicles go by in the background. Do you think CNN actually sent the satellite uplink into space and back down just to connect two separate news crews together while they were in the same location?
And libs love to call Fox News “Faux News.” The ones that are faking it is CNN.
Three stupid girls somehow managed to get themselves abducted in Cleveland and ended up playing World of Warcraft for ten years- or something. Anyways, when they managed to escape, they were discovered by the nation’s most inattentive neighbor, who after ten years of ignoring screams from the basement, saw a hand waving while he was “Having his MacDonald’s.”
From WTOP here:
Three women who went missing separately about a decade ago were found Monday in a home just south of downtown and likely had been tied up during years of captivity, said police, who arrested three brothers. One of the women said she had been abducted and told a 911 dispatcher in a frantic call, “I’m free now.”
Crowds gathered Monday night on the street near the home where the city’s police chief said he thought Amanda Berry, Gina DeJesus and Michelle Knight had been held since they went missing when they were in their teens or early 20s.
The women appeared to be in good health and were taken to a hospital to be evaluated and to reunite with relatives. Police said a 6-year-old also was found in the home, but the child’s identity or relationship to anyone in the home wasn’t revealed.
Neighbors said they heard someone kicking at a door, yelling for help and trying desperately to get outside the house.
A neighbor, Charles Ramsey, told WEWS-TV he saw Berry, whom he didn’t recognize, at a door that would open only enough to fit a hand through.
“I heard screaming,” he said. “I’m eating my McDonald’s. I come outside. I see this girl going nuts trying to get out of a house.”
On a recorded 911 call Monday, Berry declared, “I’m Amanda Berry. I’ve been on the news for the last 10 years.”
She said she had been taken by someone and begged for police officers to arrive at the home on Cleveland’s west side before he returned.
Cleveland is an awful town. It’s drab, crime riddled, and the neighbors allow people to keep kidnap victims as pets. If it wasn’t for an Egg McMuffin, these three women would still be locked up. Do you think the News Producers could have asked this brave hero to take off his backwards ballcap prior to the interview?