I can't believe that came from your mouth!
Archive for December, 2011
BelchSpeak’s Best of 2011
Dec 31st
Another year winds to a close, and its time for the best of 2011. First up are statistics from visitors to the site and the top posts that draw visits.

Top stories of 2011
Best of the best:
Best weekend! Why we eat turkey.
Mobs and Protests:
2011 is the Year of the Mob, both Online and off. Egypt takes itself offline. Mob Mentality. London aflame. OccupyWallStreet.
Travel:
I went to Chatanooga. And Pensacola. Hotlanta. Hartford. London. Disney World. Australian Wine Region. Fitzroy Falls National Park in Australia. The Pacific Coast and Wine Region. Palo Alto. Midland, Michigan. Key West and South Florida. Tennessee, ya’ll. Wichita. Jamestown Settlement. And more London. New York and New Jersey. Earthquake in San Francisco.
Justice Files:
Kristen Petersen, Byron Sonne’s ex-wife has charges dropped. Byron Sonne catches new charges. The Duke Lacrosse bitch kills someone. Bin Laden gunned down. James Ray convicted of manslaughter. Rodney King can’t stay sober. Casey Anthony walks free. Byron Sonne trial gets underway. Ray gets a 2-year sentence.
I get threats:
Internet LOLsuit over an Oktoberfest pic. And don’t forget some clown tried to sue me too. Some RIAA/MPAA lawyers in India threaten me with a LOlsuit.
Worst Way to Die:
Hit by a train. Tiger food. Chopped up for magic potions. Getting drunk at the W and plummeting to your death. Alcohol Poisoning and being Amy Winehouse. Falling into a hotdog grinder! Being a cat owned by a stoner hippie. Murdered by a fat vampire. Death by Cantaloupe! iCancer.
Moonbats on Parade:
Jared Lee Loughner gunned down a Congresswoman. John Edwards gets engaged after wife’s burial. Earth Day Hippies in Santa Cruz. Porn Star and her baby. ATTACKWatch!
Really Stupid People:
Congressman Lee and his Craigslist photo shoot. Charlie Sheen. Schwarzenegger Screwed his maid. Anthony Weiner quits after twitter photos to girls. Crazy art attacker!
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Got the TShirt
Dec 31st
I haven’t had the chance to read Abe Lincoln the Vampire Slayer, but I’m meaning to now that they are making the movie. But I just got the shirt from TeeFury.
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Ice at the Gaylord
Dec 30th
The family took a few hours to remember why the National Harbor is always a disappointment by plunking down a hundred bucks to go see some ice carved by Chicoms and setup in a frigid tent outside the Gaylord hotel.
The line was long, the attraction was poorly managed and ultimately really not worth the price of admission.
Next we tried to have lunch at a Mexican restaurant which also winded up being a letdown. At least we got to enjoy some time with our friends.
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Steve Jobs is Riding the Turbo Blooper on Rainbow Road
Dec 29th
The video below has been around for a while, but I only just became aware of it, its strangeness and its wonderful new euphemism for death: Riding the Rainbow Road.
Thus, Steve Jobs is riding the rainbow road, as is Kim Jong Il and Patrice O’Neal. Thanks to [GAS]!
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Important Question About New Year’s Eve
Dec 29th
Okay, this is admittedly a girly song, but who can resist the cutest couple ever from 500 Days of Summer singing a duet about New Year’s Eve?
To answer this question- I’ll be drinking some wine, enjoying finger foods and laughter with guests, and cringing every time they trot out that quivering paralyzed lump Dick Clark onto TV.
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Needles
Dec 29th
We DeChristmasfied the house today and we were left with this huge pile of needles from one Epic-sized Xmas tree.
I remarked to Jess that this is one silly tradition, and she told me that we have the Pagans to thank for this.
We spent a fair amount of time running the vacuum and now the whole house is infused with the aroma of fresh pine, so I guess we have Oreck to thank for that nice fresh smell.
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Chemtrails Really Can Be Dissolved With Vinegar
Dec 27th
You really have to weep for the idiocy that infests this country when you realize these people have the right to vote.
Watch this moronic mom make her son videotape her hunting contrails from overhead jets while she sprays vinegar into her back yard. She thinks the government is spraying chemicals in addition to jet exhaust to make people derpy, and she knows this is a fact because she is a chemistry and physics genius.
The planes fly at 6 miles of altitude, and with just a few degrees at an angle toward the horizon makes the aircraft, and their corresponding contrails of frozen vapor, about ten miles away. Pythagorean’s theorem puts the commercial aircraft about 12 miles away. Yet somehow, spraying vinegar at your dandelions makes the contrails dissipate. Can anyone please tell me how the science behind this works?
What do they do about spraying chemtrails at night when they are invisible? Or now that the youtube videos are out there blowing the lid off this conspiracy, won’t the government just make chemtrails that are impervious to vinegar?
At least she’s not as whacky as the Obama voter that blamed rainbows in her sprinkler on Bush.
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Sinead O’Connor Still Making Good Decisions
Dec 27th
The 45 year old failed lesbian singer Sinead O’Connor announced on her website that her marriage to a man has ended after 18 days, but in actuality, it ended 3 hours after the nuptials. Sinead apparently took her new groom on a wild ride to find some marijuana.
From her website here:
Within 3 hours of the ceremony being over the marriage was kyboshed by the behaviour of certain people in my husband’s life. And also by a bit of a wild ride i took us on looking for a bit of a smoke of weed for me wedding night as I don’t drink. My husband was enormously wounded and very badly effected by that experience and also by the attitude of those close to him toward our marriage. It became apparent to me that if he were to stay with me he would be losing too much to bear. And that being with me was not going to serve him positively , career wise or any other wise. I saw his life leave him because of how people close to him reacted. And I can’t take anyone’s life. And a woman wants to be a joy to her husband. So.. U love someone? Set them free.
Most people grow up and start making wiser decisions, but its clear that Sinead O’Connor is going to make a lifetime out of bad choices. Nothing compares to her failures.
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Denis Leary’s Awesome Islamic Charlie Brown Xmas
Dec 27th
Its not such a bad little bomb Farley Ach-Muhammad-Al-Farouk Al-Rasheed.
And Charlie Brown likes to celebrate Ashura too!
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Christmas Ingrates Put to Music
Dec 27th
You know, I’m proud to live in a country where there is so little poverty and everyone has a high standard of living, but Jeez, these kids of the current and next generation are spoiled and GET OFF MY LAWN!!
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Cha-Ching!!! Mel Gibson Pays Out
Dec 26th
In a court ruling that makes every man’s nards shrivel, Mel Gibson has to pay his ex-wife 425 Million Dollars in a divorce settlement. He and his former wife and mother of his children split years ago after Mel was busted in an embarrassing DUI in which he berated the jews. Then Mel started to run around with a ball-breaking russian model who squeezed millions of dollars out of his miserable ass.
From the DailyRecord here:
Mel Gibson’s former wife has landed a $422million Christmas present – half his fortune as a divorce settlement. Mum-of-seven Robyn, who was married to Gibson for 31 years, did not sign a pre-nuptial agreement when they married in 1980.
She filed for divorce from Gibson in 2009 after pictures emerged of him relaxing on the beach at their Costa Rica holiday home with girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva. Oksana was pregnant with his child.
At the time Robyn filed for divorce, she and her husband had actually been separated for three years. The split dated back to Gibson’s arrest for drink-driving and the anti-Semitic tirade he launched at the sheriff’s deputy who stopped him.
Mel Gibson’s self destruction seems almost complete. He had the most epic mid-life crisis ever documented, and it seems he has nothing left to show for it but a bitter ex wife, an estranged ex-girlfriend and a kid he didn’t intend to have.
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Patrice Oneal- Men Are Fishermen
Dec 26th
What a wonderful funny man Patrice Oneal was! Here he is talking about how men both love and need to fish.
So you can know I can catch fish, so you can ACT RIGHT. This special is on NetFlix so watch it if you get a chance.
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America Wins- Emo Greasy Skinny-Jean Wearing Arabs Suck at Arab Idol
Dec 25th
Ever have one of those conversations with friends about how the terrorists may have won because we have limited our own freedoms and liberties by locking down our security unnecessarily? Well, I’m happy to announce that we have hit them back with our deadliest weapon- Emo kids with tight Bart Simpson t-shirts, skinny jeans, effeminate movements and greasy nasty hair. And for the win, they now have Arab Idol where they openly mock the losers.
This is how we export freedom, I guess.
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Air Jordans Smell Like Pepper Spray
Dec 23rd
After 4 months of pepper spraying unemployed white people at numerous urban encampments for Occupy WallStreet, famous 1Percenter Michael Jordan wanted to see some black folk get pepper sprayed for a change, so he re-released his Air Jordan sneakers.
From the NBCBayarea site here:
Everybody wants a nice pair of shoes. So much so, that when the new Nike Air Jordan’s went on sale this morning, people were willing to fire off weapons to get to them.
The SFist reports, around 6 a.m. this morning, shots were fired at the Hilltop Mall in Richmond, where around 3,000 were people were waiting in line for the latest Air Jordan 11 Retro Concords.
Police were called to a shopping center in Redondo Beach, as well as Pineville, N.C., Atlanta, Seattle and Indianopolis.
Some shoppers told NBC Miami they were maced by police and trampled by other shoppers.
At least six people were arrested in the Washington area.
They are just sneakers. Right?
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The Feds Have the Goods on Manning – And Assange Too
Dec 23rd
It is well known that I think that Bradley Manning’s actions in leaking classified and top secret files to Wikileaks was tantamount to treason. Also, I think that the release of the files by Wikileaks was tantamount to conspiracy to commit treason. Conspiracy is supposed to be coordinated actions by known accomplices, but with the advent of social media and the Internet, you don’t have to know your co-conspirators anymore- just to work toward a common criminal enterprise. Wikileaks provided the platform to leak stolen classified files, and Manning was just a willing accomplice. I never once imagined that Manning and Julian Assange, the owner of the data leak site, had actually worked together to exfiltrate the data. The Army laid out its case against Manning and said they have the goods on Assange too.
From Wired here:
The government finished making its case against accused WikiLeaks source Bradley Manning Thursday morning with a 60-minute closing statement that piled on new details and exhibits, including snippets of 15 pages of chats allegedly between the Army intelligence analyst and WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange.
The prosecution flashed three chat logs onscreen that purportedly show correspondence between Manning and Assange discussing uploading so-called JTF-GITMO documents — classified assessment reports about Guantanamo Bay detainees. The chats also refer to two U.S. State Department cables about Reykjavik, Iceland, as well as a request from Manning to help him crack a password so that he could log onto his work SIPRnet computer anonymously.
The evidence clearly showed that Manning abused his security clearance and intelligence training to leak damaging information “using WikiLeaks’ ‘Most Wanted list as his guiding light.” Prior to Manning’s leaks to the organization, WikiLeaks had published a wishlist of documents and data it hoped leakers would send it.
Manning’s classified work computer accessed the State Department server 794,000 times in order to steal more than 250,000 cables that WikiLeaks subsequently published.
On March 8, 2010 at 1:42am while Manning was working the nightshift in the SCIF, he burned the JTF-GITMO documents to a CD and immediately thereafter began uploading them to WikiLeaks.
In another chat, dated March 8, 2010, Manning asked “Nathaniel Frank,” believed to be Assange, about help in cracking the main password on his classified SIPRnet computer so that he could log on to it anonymously. He asked “Frank” if he had experience cracking IM NT hashes (presumably it’s a mistype and he meant NTLM for the Microsoft NT LAN Manager). “Frank” replied yes, that they had “rainbow tables” for doing that. Manning then sent him what looked like a hash.
Investigators say they located copies of the Iraq and Afghanistan action reports on an SD memory card belonging to Manning, a spreadsheet of scripts designed to scrape State Department cables, and copies of the disturbing Apache helicopter video, published by WikiLeaks under the title “Collateral Murder.”
Wikileaks, which donated only $15,000 of a promised $50,000 to Manning’s defense fund, complicated Manning’s defense by publishing the Iran and Afghanistan war and the trove of State Department cables after Manning was arrested.
I had posted a blog that mentioned that Assange had went into hiding after the Manning arrest, and how Assange’s supporters had speculated that the CIA had nabbed him. But Assange was actually working to get himself into a country where it would be difficult to extradite him.
So Assange personally conspired with Manning to divulge classified information. That makes Assange a spy, folks. We need to get Assange.
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Awesome Hungry Toad Finds the Perfect App
Dec 22nd
I was totally only going to post this because of the great marriage of a frog and a bug-smooshing app on a smartphone. And then I saw the ending.
Never LOLed harder.
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Navy Women Finally Coming Home Without Being Pregnant
Dec 21st
Some chick that looks like Robin Scherbatsky from How I Met Your Mother arrived ashore with a golden ticket in her hand giving her the happy privilege of having the first kiss upon homecoming.
Supposedly this is controversial, but gays have been running down the gangplanks for centuries (if you know what I mean) upon returning from a voyage. Good for Petty Officer Gaeta. She strikes me as a fine seaman and an asset to the Navy. This wasn’t a stunt to push an agenda, either. I don’t object to women aboard ships, nor do I object to gays in the military if they serve with honor and distinction. But far too many women have returned from a voyage pregnant, and it is that kind of fraternization that I object to.
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Must Be Getting Close to Kwanzaa
Dec 21st
Across the tracks in the more urban section of town, kids are joyously decorating for Kwanzaa.
To get yourself ready for Kwanzaa, find out about its origins here.
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Something Wrong With the Kindle Fire?
Dec 21st
I have the iPad, so I just don’t pay much attention. It has a Kindle app that I use quite a bit, and prefer it to the other iBook and reading apps.
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Midnight Music: Remy – “Grandma Got Indefinitely Detained (A Very TSA Christmas)”
Dec 21st
Remy is back just in time for the festive yule with this awesome lampoon of the TSA.
Now that the troops are home from Iraq, are any of the Patriot Act provisions or the retarded TSA going to be sunset? Of course not.
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