Up in the sky! Its a Bird! Its a Plane! Its an explosion in a skyscraper!

I don’t know if the new Muslim superheroes in the comic book “The 99″ are going to be undertaking suicide missions against the west. The author does not say. But he does assure us that they are the “superheroes of peace.”

From the Suntimes here:

“The 99,” an Islamic-themed comic book debuts in select U.S. cities today, including Chicago.

Already a hit overseas, “The 99″ features superheroes from around the globe using their superpowers to battle forces of evil.

While Mumita the Destroyer relies on her martial arts expertise, Jabbar the Powerful brandishes his muscles. Other characters — Widad the Loving, Noora the Light, Bari the Healer — capture superheroes’ softer side.

They don’t pray or quote the Quran, but promote universal values such as goodness and love. Each superhero embodies one of the 99 attributes that Muslims ascribe to Allah.

A preview of some of the superpowers these new characters will have were distributed to comic book bloggers like myself. They are below:

Superpowers:

  • Abu’s Eyebeams prevent women from driving.
  • Achnad’s burka raygun coats female civilians in dark fabric head to toe.
  • Each has the Amazing sixth sense to face Mecca 5 times daily
  • Bearded Bobo’s Rage ability increases strength tenfold when they see a drawing of Muhammad.
  • Turkish Tony’s “Scimitar of mutawwa” can slice a camel in half for sacrifice.
  • Rex of Riyad destroys all dogs in the realm.
  • The “Jew Sense” allows Jericho Jeb to detect Zionist plots.
  • Each hero has amazing abilities to frame all criticism as a phobia. For instance in issue 7, Fatwa Fatima declares that Caleb Kaffir’s insistence that women be given rights in Saudi Arabia is mere islamophobia.
  • Each hero can suppress all desires among muslims to condemn terrorism.
  • There used to be flying muslim superheroes, but they all crashed into tall structures. Unsure if that was their ability or their weakness.

Weakness:

  • Can be defeated with a bacon-double cheeseburger
  • In tight situations, they blow themselves up.
  • It is YOU who has the weakness, infidel!

Feel free to add more powers or weaknesses in the comments below. Or if you are an uptight muslim (is that redundant?) then you can leave your fatwas in the comments too.

Thanks to FARK for pointing out the article and for posting the awesome comic book cover that I swiped.

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