Yearbook signing time!

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Well, its that time of the year again! All over the country, millions of school kids will be carrying their class yearbooks around with them to get other kids to write memorable snippets of wisdom in it for all posterity. Some students will attempt to be witty, charming, romantic, or even nostalgic about the times they had spent together in the school year, and others will even express feelings of hope about what may lie ahead in life for them. Most will abuse the words "cool" "dude" "awesome" and "nice" by using them over and over again.

And every person's yearbook will hold such fond memories later in life as that person looks at it and recalls the events and friends that had shaped so much of their childhood and adult life. The yearbook becomes a thing of valued treasure to each and every individual that owns one.

HA!!! I say screw all that! The yearbook-signing event presents one of the most unique opportunities in life to exact revenge on as many people as you can in such a short time! Deprive everyone you can of the fond memories of a happy High School life by defacing their yearbooks!

Who would want revenge at such a time? Why anyone would! If you are a nerd (yes, you know who you are out there!), a person that just doesn't get the opportunity in the social settings of High School to fit in; if you are a jilted teen lover; if you resent the jerk captain of the football team, hate the prom queen; if you are in the woodwinds section of the band and hate the brass section; if you just have a downright mean streak in you, then you have come to the right place!

I know some of you out there are jumping up and down in their seats wondering just how you could use this opportunity to exact a little bit of revenge. Well here it is!

The following is a list of mean things to write or do to someone else’s yearbook. The intent is to ruin forever the nostalgia they feel when looking at a high school yearbook, and to indelibly imprint upon their brains how it was YOU that deprived them of this. What better way to be remembered?

Warning: Many of the items here can present situations in which you could get your ass kicked! Use with caution!

But first, you must assemble your vengeance kit. The yearbook signing vengeance kit includes:

• Glue (super glue preferred)
• A Black permanent Sharpee®
• An x-acto knife or box cutter, (See warning below)
• A standard ink pen, pencil, eraser, and yellow crayon
• A magnifying glass.

Uses for tools:

Glue can be a very useful vengeance tool during yearbook signing. Among its uses:

• You could sign your name with glue. Give it back to the person and tell him not to close it until it dries. Claim you didn't have a pen handy.
• Glue all of the pages together, assuming you have ample time to do so. Or just for spite, glue the first few cover pages (the place where most people sign the book) and the last few pages to the front or back cover. This works best when the person has already spent considerable time getting it signed.
• Locate the person's picture that is getting it signed (henceforth called "signee") and put a dab of glue right over his/her face. Close it, and sign as normal. When the person opens it, it will either rip their face off or rip a piece of paper off the previous page and cover their face. Do the same for everyone you hate in the yearbook, teachers included! And be sure to dab over the person's girlfriend/boyfriend while you are at it.
• Superglue your pen to the book and claim a bizarre signing mishap.
• Open the book all the way and glue the covers to each other so the yearbook is permanently open. Rig it so it always opens to your own page with your picture circled prominently!

Permanent Sanford Sharpee® indelible permanent ink pens are useful too. Remember, bold dark color stands out! Some uses:

• Scribble out the signatures of "competitors" or other persons that have signed before you.
• Go through the yearbook and blacken out the pictures of enemies or the dearest friends of the signee.
• Scribble out the picture of the signee!
• Best of all, the ink bleeds through the pages. So write large!
• Write a big black x across back cover and place your initials at the bottom.

An X-acto knife is a modeling tool or edging tool with a razor edge. A box cutter will do too. Its uses: (See Belch.Com's warning below)

• Cut out your picture. If you still have the glue, paste it over signee’s picture.
• Cut out signee’s picture or his girlfriend's picture.
• Cut deep too, going through as many layers as you can.
• Cut X’s across the cover pages.
• Surgically remove the entire Junior class!

A common ink pen can also be used for yearbook vengeance. Uses:

• Find one that leaks really bad. Write sloppily, leaving blots of ink all over the page. Smear it well, leaving streaks all over competitors' signatures.
• Pretend it is losing ink. Scribble heavily as if you are trying to get it to work, then scribble lightly as if it is running out of ink. Make your signature fade to nothingness.
• Draw moustaches on signee’s picture. And on his girlfriend's picture too.
• Write defamatory remarks about competitor’s signatures. Be explicit, using bullet points, arrows and vulgarities.
• Write left handed. Be as sloppy as possible and dont leave room for any competing signatures.

A Pencil. What good is a pencil you might ask?

• Well, it might be good as a weapon when fending off attacking signees.
• Sign witticisms in pencil so it wont be permanent. Or as a good excuse to abuse your eraser.

An Eraser. (Rubber to you Brits) Uses:

• Erase other people’s signatures, especially the pencil ones.
• Rub holes in paper to remove that ink. Be sure to leave the eraser rubbings in the creases of the page.

A yellow crayon is a good annoyance form of yearbook vengeance.

• When written on white background, it causes bad eyestrain.
• Highlight your remarks you have made with your Sharpee.
• Highlight your defamatory remarks about your competitors.

A magnifying glass may be the ultimate in yearbook vengeance. Admittedly, you need time alone with the book outside in the sunlight.

• If you can get it outside, nothing says I enjoyed going to school with you more than by wood carving your initials onto the back cover with a sunlight beam.
• Burn through signee’s picture or competitor’s remarks.
• See if you can drill a hole straight through the yearbook, cover to cover!

Sometimes its simply what you say instead of how you say it. Your goal is to make it too embarrassing for the person to show the yearbook to anyone else. For example:

• Poems-

It makes me giggle, it makes me laugh
That you would want my autograph!
But that's okay, I think its fine,
here (your signature),
That'll be $9.99

• Freeform-
  
• Put a huge booger right in the middle of the cover page. Circle it. Draw arrows around it to draw maximum attention to it.Make notations telling the person that his brain fell out.
• Use innuendo. Write "Loved you in gym class this year." Sign it from the wrestling coach. Or scribble, "I swear I will keep my promise about not telling your girlfriend how much you have cheated on her."
• Use vile and creative slogans like "Kill Whitey," "KKK forever," "Kill the Whales," or "As long as you have a tongue, I wont need toilet paper."
• Write a rambling manifesto detailing the importance of oral hygeine. Take up a whole page.
• Write 50 math problems and tell him he has 30 minutes to solve them and to show his work.
• Sign all your signatures with the name of Elvis, Johnny Paycheck, or the name of the school custodian.
• Address all signatures to Ricky, Richard, Dick, Dicky, or some derivative thereof.

If you are able to perform these bits of vengeance, you will indeed be the person the signees remember most, which is what a yearbook is all about, right? And remember, friends come and go, but enemies last forever.

And finally, don't make any plans to attend your High School reunions. They WILL remember you!

Belch.Com's legal warning and disclaimer:
The editors of Belch.Com do not condone school violence or the transportation of knives, weapons, firearms, explosives, X-acto knives or box cutters to school. But we DO condone lots of other crude stuff like fake fire drills, college hazing, belching, barfing, and the use of the information superhighway to "bring a belch to every desktop."

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