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Posts tagged monkeys
I Want a Roller Skating Baboon!
May 31st
The UK’s Sun newsrag has their panties in a twist over a North Korean circus act in which monkeys and bears rollerskate to the applause of Norkie soldiers.
From the Sun here:
“There’s nothing funny about tearing primates away from their protective mothers shortly after birth and forcing them to perform silly tricks. These highly social animals suffer from debilitating loneliness and depression when isolated from other monkeys. Many retaliate and are known to bite people and attempt to escape at any given chance.
“Many bear cubs taken from the wild die before the training begins because of the stress of capture, the gruelling transportation conditions, starvation, dehydration and rough handling. The ones who survive have the tops of their muzzles pierced with hot needles and a rope threaded through the holes — they are then forced to stand on their hind legs and perform under threat of punishment.
Whatever dudes. Those animals don’t look like they are hungry or mistreated, and those baboons can really skate!
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Loading ...Don’t Turn Your Back on the Monkey
Feb 17th
Ever wonder how a monkey prepares to attack? Evidently it involves three giant swings followed by a simian missile. If it wasn’t for the glass, this could have broken bones.
I love how it scares the baby so badly. And now the baby will forever fear monkeys, which, like fearing clowns, may one day save your life.
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The Biggest News From Yesterday: Herpes Monkey Eaten by Tiger!
Oct 21st
Sure some tinhorn dictator was blown away in an epic insurrection, but did you hear about the animal hoarder who let all of his wild bears, lions, tigers and monkeys loose before shooting himself in the face? One of those animals- a monkey, had a raging case of herpes, but its okay- the tiger ate that STD monkey before it could rape the population of Dayton, Ohio.
This is how you get Monkey Herpes Y'all!
From the Brisbane times here:
At last count a team of Ohio cops led by Sheriff Matt Lutz had bagged 49 animals, including two wolves, six black bears, two grizzly bears, 18 Bengal tigers, three mountain lions, nine lions, eight lionesses and one baboon.
A monkey, thought to be suffering from herpes is unaccounted for, but may have been eaten by a lion.
The animals were released on Tuesday from a private zoo in suburban Zanesville by their owner who then killed himself. Three leopards, a grizzly bear and two monkeys were taken alive.
That monkey was easy to catch and eat because it was humping a sheep at the time.
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Any Which Way But the Smoking Section
Sep 12th
A captive Orangutan has been forced to stop smoking and is being sent to a re-education zoo.
From CBS here:
KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia — A captive orangutan often spotted smoking cigarettes given to her by zoo visitors is being forced to kick the habit. Government authorities seized the adult ape named Shirley from a state-run zoo after she and several other animals there were deemed to be living in poor conditions.
Shirley is now being quarantined at another zoo in a neighboring state and is expected to be sent to a Malaysian wildlife center on Borneo island within weeks.
Melaka Zoo Director Ahmad Azhar Mohammed said Shirley is not being provided with any more cigarettes because “smoking is not normal behavior for orangutans.”
Shirley seemed to suffer severe mood swings, sometimes looking drowsy and on other occasions appearing “very agitated” without a cigarette.
The ape is in jail for whatever crime it committed- so for God’s sake let it smoke. Or as Mark Knoller of CBS tweeted:
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(1 votes, average: 6.00 out of 6) Loading ...Video of Me Using iPhone Drunk
Aug 4th
Well, not quite, but similar. My pants are bigger and I’m more hairy.
I swear the monkey was either going to chuck the iPhone, pee on it, eat it, or try to get it pregnant. What a disappointing video!
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3.6 Million Bucks Wasted Studying Crackhead Monkeys with Bleedy Little Vaginas
Jun 10th
I have written before that our federal government traffics in human brains. They also buy and sell cocaine and meth and pot in order to force monkeys to become addicted- so they can measure how it affects them on the monkey rag- and whether or not they prefer trail mix to monkey chow. And this costs taxpayers 3.6 Million bucks.
From CNSNews here:
The National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA), a division of the federal government’s National Institutes of Health (NIH), has spent $3,634,807 over the past decade funding research that involves getting monkeys to smoke and drink drugs such as PCP, methamphetamine (METH), heroin, and cocaine and then studying their behavior, including during different phases of the female monkeys’ menstrual cycles.
The study also uses “interventions” as “treatment models” for monkeys who have been taught to use drugs.
Precursor research on drug-using monkeys, also funded by NIDA, discovered that after smoking cocaine monkeys exhibited “dilated pupils and slightly agitated, hyperactive behavior”
Well, no shit. I could have told the feds that monkeys smoking crack would make their pupils dilate. I’d have only charged 50 bucks.
In yet another federally funded study of drug-taking monkeys, the monkeys were sometimes given “trail mix” after “their daily experimental sessions.”
“The drugs that will be studied,” the NIH said, “are cocaine, ethanol, heroin, methadone and phencyclidine (PCP).”
“Animals are trained to self-administer drugs that humans abuse, and several phases of the addiction process are modeled, such as acquisition, maintenance, withdrawal, craving, and relapse.”
“Four rhesus monkeys were trained to smoke cocaine-base under a progressive ratio (PR) schedule with ten smoking trials available each day,” the researchers wrote. “Subjects quickly learned to suck or inhale on the smoking tube.”
The researchers said that this particular study used five monkeys who had a history of cocaine and heroin use—and that these monkeys were given “trail mix” after their “daily experimental sessions.”
So they get monkeys hooked on smack in order to use them for other tests? And they call it “monkeys with a history of heroin use” instead of “my crackhead monkey?”
And monkeys can’t talk back, which is why any drug study on lower primates would take 100 times longer than using human subjects. Don’t they have any human crackheads readily available in Minnesota? How is this not blatant animal abuse? Leftist animal rights terrorists will storm a lab using monkeys to find a cancer cure, but for a lab that is getting monkeys addicted to drugs? Whoa man, that’s cool. I guess Earth Liberation Front doesn’t want to harsh their little monkey buzzes by busting down this lab?
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Obama Demands Gay Jewish Coconuts Removed
Nov 4th
In a stunning anti-homosexual and antisemetic rant today, Barack Obama demanded that all gay coconuts and all of the Jewish coconuts be rounded up in Mumbai and destroyed prior to his arrival for his Asian tour.
Why does he hate gay coconuts? The Telegraph explains:
Mr Obama will arrive in India on Saturday for the first leg of an Asian tour.
But as well as the usual security measures that come with welcoming a a visiting dignitary, Indian authorities have decided to go one step further, by removing all natural threats to the president as well.All coconuts around the city’s Gandhi museum, one of Mr Obama’s stops in the city, are being taken down.
“We told the authorities to remove the dry coconuts from trees near the building. Why take a chance?” Mani Bhavan’s executive secretary, Meghshyam Ajgaonkar, told the BBC.
All coconuts. Even the ones that take it up the butt. Even the jewish ones. Why does Obama hate the gays and the jews?
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(3 votes, average: 2.67 out of 6) Loading ...Tried to Make Me Got to Rehab and I Said “Oook Oook Oook!”
Feb 27th
Zhora the chimp who lives at a zoo in Russia is completely out of control. As such, he has been sent to rehab.
From MSNBC here:
A Russian chimpanzee has been sent to rehab by zookeepers to cure the smoking and beer-drinking habits he has picked up.
An ex-performer, Zhora became aggressive at his circus and was transferred to a zoo in the southern Russian city of Rostov, where he fathered several baby chimps, learned to draw with markers and picked up his two vices.
“The beer and cigarettes were ruining him. He would pester passers-by for booze,” the Komsomolskaya Pravda paper said.
It added he has now been transferred to the city of Kazan, about 500 miles east of Moscow, for rehabilitation treatment.
Hmm. I’d really like to know how they will convince the chimp that there is a higher power. And how will the chimp make amends to all of the people that his disgusting habits have offended? And if he gets out of rehab, will he sponsor other chimp addicts too?
Being a huge Dr. Drew fan, I understand that addiction is often caused by young monkeyhood trauma, and I guess being captured and forced to work at a circus would do it. Or maybe all those damn chimp kids drove him to drink? How do you take a beer bottle from a drunk chimp? Won’t he rip your friggin’ face off?
I’m confident that the chimp will come out of rehab a better monkey. After all, if Rodney King could sober up, then any primate can.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Why are Monkey Owners So Stupid?
Feb 17th
Monkey owners usually end up in stories like this. A Connecticut woman who raised a chimp from a baby ignored how powerful the animal had become and allowed it to injure a friend and be shot to death by cops.
From the NY Post here:
The Connecticut woman viciously mauled by a 200-pound chimp remained in critical condition this morning and faces “life-changing, if not life-threatening” injuries to her face and hands. The chimpanzee named Travis was shot dead by police in Stamford after the violent rampage Monday left a friend of its owner badly injured.
Sandra Herold, who owned the 15-year-old chimp, wrestled with the animal after it inexplicably attacked her friend, Charla Nash, 55.
Nash had gone to Herold’s home to help her coax the chimp back into the house after he got out, authorities said.
After the animal – who had appeared in TV commercials for Old Navy and Coca-Cola when he was younger – lunged at Nash when she got out of her car, Herold ran inside to call 911 and returned armed. She retrieved a large butcher knife and stabbed her longtime pet numerous times in an effort to save her friend, who was really being brutally attacked.
Nash remains in critical condition after suffering what Stamford Mayor Dannel Malloy called “life-changing, if not life-threatening,” injuries to her face and hands.
After the 3:30 p.m. attack, Travis ran away and started roaming Herold’s property until police arrived – setting up security so medics could reach the critically injured woman. But the chimpanzee returned and went after several of the officers, who retreated into their cars.
Travis knocked the mirror off a cruiser before opening its door and starting to get in, trapping the cop.
That officer shot the chimpanzee several times. The wounded chimpanzee fled the scene, but Conklin said police were able to follow the trail of his blood down a driveway, into the open door of the home, through the house and to his living quarters, where he had retreated and died of his wounds.
Ripped off her face and hands, dude. How adorable.
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