Meet Ophelia Neal. She is fat, has a history of criminal activity including marijuana charges, and used food stamps to purchase two cans of spaghetti sauce that she hid in her bag to claim they were bombs to hold up a bank in Michigan. Oh, and she is 430 pounds, so her get-away was more like a waddle-away.
From FoxNews here:
Police have identified a 430-pound woman they say pretended two cans of spaghetti sauce were a bomb when she robbed a southeast Michigan bank. 53-year-old Ophelia A. Neal faces bank robbery and explosives charges in Saturday’s robbery at a Fifth Third Bank branch in Macomb County’s Clinton Township.
Police are hunting for the parole absconder. Neal is black, 5-foot-7 and has partially gray hair.
The state says she has fraud, assault and marijuana convictions.
Police say the robber told bank employees she had a bomb in her cloth bag and demanded money. They say she took an undisclosed amount of money and escaped in a car with a man at the wheel.
For you single ladies out there, even this fat waste of humanity can get a man! Not sure how well the explosives charges will stick given that it was just tomatoes and a can. Another news source said they had to call in a bomb squad to defuse the spaghetti sauce.
I’ve written about Money Mule Scam sites in the past. Here is another one- a fake company calling itself “Transnational Logistics” poses as a shipping company and promises its recruits full health benefits, vacation and paid training. But what they are really doing is stealing identities of victims and setting them up to be money or package forwarding mules for Russian cyber criminals.
The company’s website claims it has been in business since 2000, yet the domain was registered in mid-February.
The chief recruiter, someone who goes by the fake name of “Brandon Jones” even signs all his emails like this:
**** GO N-Y-Knicks [!!!!]
Brandon A. Jones, Special Projects – (646) 797-3201 Transnational Logistics
(USA) Co., LTD.
Google that phone number and you can see that Brandon has been ripping people off for quite a while. Check out this Better Business Bureau complaint:
So if you get emails from this company, don’t fall for the lavish promises of employment, training and vacation. Its a scam. These Russian criminals want to use you to participate in their illegal schemes, leaving you to face the cops when the schemes collapse while they change names, change fake storefronts and recruit more victims.
Oh, and check out Brandon Jones’ fake LinkedIn page. These criminals go through some hoops to trick their victims!
Any news story that refuses to publish a party affiliation for a politician committing a criminal act means that he’s a Democrat. Case in point is Mount Carmel Vice Mayor William Blakely, who has terrified female motorists for years, driving aggressively while he was masturbating and exposing himself to drivers.
From WJHL here, with thanks to Robb:
Three women testified against former Mount Carmel Vice-Mayor William Blakely, graphically recounting times he exposed himself while driving.
“I was scared that I was gonna wreck, he was gonna cause me to wreck,” witness Deborah Sturgill said.
Personal accounts in Thursday’s testimonies started the same – Blakely allegedly waving to get the drivers’ attention, then escalating to honking and partially crossing over into the drivers lane.
“After the waving, it turned into a lot of beeping, him grabbing his chest area, and asking me going ‘please, please’ (clasping hands together) with his hands, may I… show me yours,” witness Kelly Street said.
Each witness testified they were fearful Blakely’s driving would cause an accident.
“He was taking his hand, wetting his mouth, and masturbating,” Sturgill said.
“At over 90 miles per hour, he had his penis out [the window]… he was masturbating… and that’s when it got really, really bad,” Street said.
“It went on for so long an nobody’s addressed it,” Christian said, referring to the dozens of phone calls the department has received over the course of three or four years – she said, related to Blakely’s behavior. Ages of the alleged victims range from 16-65.
He should just go to San Diego and Jack It with the Kony2012 Guy.
Some poor idiot in Belarus managed to get himself killed by a small forest mammal with a paddle for a tail. An aggressive beaver bit a man to death.
From Sky here:
A fisherman has been bitten to death by a beaver after trying to take its photograph.
The man was on a fishing trip at Lake Shestakov in Belarus with two friends when they spotted the animal on the side of the road.
He stopped so that he could take a picture but as he approached the beaver it pounced on him, biting him in the thigh.
His friends attempted to stem the flow of blood from the wound but the animal’s bite had severed a main artery and the man bled to death.
Beaver attacks are rare and according to experts those animals that do go for humans are usually rabid.
Remember when men would hunt beavers for their pelts? Somewhere in Belarus, a beaver is wearing some dude’s ass for a hat.
In the lulziest move ever by members of the hacker group Lulzsec, three members pleaded guilty to a UK court of hacking charges against Sony, FoxNews and other sites.
From Sophos here:
Southwark Crown Court in London has heard that three members of the LulzSec hacking gang have chosen to plead guilty to charges that they launched distributed denial of service (DDoS) attacks against a series of organisations including the CIA and the UK’s Serious Organised Crime Agency.
The LulzSec hacking gang, a splinter group from the Anonymous hacktivist movement, managed to gain enormous media coverage for their series of attacks during 2011.
Jake Davis (known by his internet handle of “Topiary”) and 18-year-old Mustafa Al-Bassam (“Tflow”) pleaded guilty to flooding the law enforcement agencies’ websites with internet traffic, as well as those of Sony, News International and the controversial Westboro Baptist Church.
The hackers are said to have hacked into computer networks belonging to the likes of Fox TV network and Sony to steal confidential information, and redirect visitors to spoof websites.
26-year-old fellow hacker Ryan Ackroyd (who posed as a teenage girl hacker called “Kayla”) also entered a last minute guilty plea to one count of computer hacking. He will now not face trial in regards to another count of operating a DDoS attack, an offence which will lie on file.
I think their sentences in the UK will be much less harsh than they would have received in a US court. But their guilty pleas certainly filled me with my lulz for the day.
A gay-married couple in Connecticut are going to trial for allegedly raping about a third of their 9 adopted children. I rarely use the word “alleged” on this blog, but the prosecution doesn’t seem to have a lot of evidence to convict the couple. But the allegations strike fear in every “marriage equality” proponent because they run counter to the argument that “gays aren’t perverts and they can raise children too.”
From the NYDailyNews here:
The case of a same-sex Connecticut couple accused of repeatedly raping and abusing two of their nine adopted boys is headed for trial. Married couple George Harasz and Douglas Wirth of Glastonbury were supposed to be sentenced Friday in Hartford Superior Court under a plea deal, but instead withdrew from their agreement with prosecutors. The men had already pleaded no contest in January to one felony count each of risk of injury to a minor — a reduction from even more serious charges related to sexual assault.
But in a surprise turn, the couple’s attorneys pulled them out of the plea in a bid to fully clear their names. But more allegations came to light Friday in the explosive case, and prosecutors said they also want to go to trial.
“I think the only proper resolution of this matter is to try it,” said prosecutor David Zagaja, according to the Hartford Courant.
Judge Joan Alexander agreed that a trial would be “in the interest of justice. The facts must be shown and must be shown publicly.” Harasz and Wirth adopted nine children — three sets of male siblings — beginning in 2000, and ran a home-based dog breeding business called The Puppy Guy.
The couple was arrested in November 2011 following a police and state investigation of sex-abuse allegations. The children were removed from the home. Police said two boys, ages 5 and 15, accused Harasz of sexually assaulting them. Harasz was initially facing first-degree sexual assault and other charges, while Wirth had been charged with third-degree sexual assault of the 15-year-old boy.
Their arrest warrants claimed the couple not only sexually and physically abused the children, but also forced them to sleep in closets.
Other children in the home told authorities that they weren’t abused, and prosecutors had agreed to a plea deal because they said a lack of forensic evidence would make it difficult to prove all of the allegations.
But now, three other children are claiming they were also abused, although no new criminal charges had been filed Friday, the Hartford Courant reported. One of the victims who spoke during the court hearing said sexual assault began when he was 6. “They took turns raping me over and over,” he said. “Anyone who would do this to a child is a sick, demented person.”
Kids have been known to lie about abuse, but if the allegations are true, its awful and sick. If the allegations are not true, these kids are clearly unhappy with their home life- and it might have to do with cramming so many kids in what amounts to a puppy mill. If I forced my nine-year-old to shovel shit every day he might accuse me of nasty deeds too. But as a reminder, gay parents do rape children sometimes. And you know how everyone was changing their stupid avatars on Twitter and Facebook to a pink Human Rights Campaign Logo? Yeah, the gay founder of HRC was really into kiddie porn.
Seven Mexicans climbed into a large cistern at the Corona Beer Plant in Mexico and died. Thankfully, according to the news, production of beer for Cinco de Mayo was not interrupted.
From the DailyMail here:
Seven workers have died while cleaning a tank at one of Mexico’s main breweries.
The group were killed at the Grupo Modelo plant in Mexico City where Corona – one of America’s favourite imported beers – is made. An investigation is looking into whether they were overcome by toxic fumes during the incident yesterday.
Plant manager Francisco Lopez Bravo told local media the workers were trapped inside the cistern while doing maintenance work. He said there are no other risks at the brewery and that it continued to operate on Sunday.
The accident happened in a tank that was undergoing maintenance and cleaning, a spokeswoman for the company said in a statement. No details were provided. Grupo Modelo said it has informed authorities and has begun investigating the accident.
I don’t know if the plant uses any heavier-than-air gases in the cleaning and purging processes in the tanks- gases like argon, carbon dioxide, etc. Having been a former welder, environments in solid steel tanks can kill you very quickly. Argon is used heavily as a shielding agent for welding and in other industries to purge air from containers, but it is far denser than oxygen. In fact, if you inhale a lung-full of argon, it is unlikely you could survive for very long. Many of these tragedies occur when someone tries to enter an argon-filled tank to rescue someone else, and that person also succumbs, followed by another and another. I blogged this while drinking a Corona-rita. FTW
An idiot Argentinian was duped into buying two white ferrets who were pumped full of steroids, believing they were toy poodles. Reminds me of a dupe named Jack who exchanged his family cow for some “magic beans.”
From DailyMail here:
Gullible bargain hunters at Argentina’s largest bazaar are forking out hundreds of dollars for what they think are gorgeous toy poodles, only to discover that their cute pooch is in fact a ferret pumped up on steroids.
One retired man from Catamarca, duped by the knock-down price for a pedigree dog, became suspicious he had bought what Argentinians call a ‘Brazilian rat’ and when he returned home took the ‘dogs’ to a vet for their vaccinations.
Imagine his surprise when his suspicious were confirmed – he had in fact purchased two ferrets that had been given steroids at birth to increase their size and then had some extra grooming to make their coats resemble a fluffy toy poodle.
Ferrets are bat-shiat crazy enough already. Imagine one that can bench-press a Fiat!
Blessed Be! At least one culture in the world still knows what to do when they encounter a witch- The behead them and burn them! In Papua New Guinea two women accused of being witches were tortured for days and then beheaded in the town square while the cops watched helplessly. But you can’t criticize their backwards ways of thinking because they are brown people you racist. All cultures are just as equal to every other culture.
From the DailyMail here:
Two women have been tortured for three days and then beheaded in a remote village in Papua New Guinea after being accused of witchcraft.
A team of police rushed to the scene – but were forced to stand by and watch the victims being decapitated with axes as locals refused to let them come to their aid. A large crowd kept the police at bay within sight of the clearing where the women were lying trussed up on the ground. Villagers on the island of Bougainville ignored orders to let them go, and instead set about them with axes and knives.
The mob had burned down houses in the women’s village, forcing their relatives to flee into the jungle.
Sounds like a wonderful, enlightened culture! But at least they have villages to burn- Hell, Haiti still can’t figure out how to build a standing structure.
Toronto is famous for its anarchy and its fat hairy women. Four fatties gang-raped a 19YO man after closing time at a night club. They are all described as 5’4″ and 200 pounds each wearing black cocktail dresses. And they were unshaved, I’m sure.
From NationalPost here:
Toronto police are looking for four female suspects who they say allegedly sexually assaulted a 19-year-old man.
The incident happened during the early morning hours of Sunday, March 31, after the man met the four women at a nightclub near King Street and University Avenue. The man left the club with the women who offered to drive him home.
“The complainant was instead driven to a parking lot in the area of Queen Street West and Spadina Avenue where he was sexually assaulted by all four suspects,” said the statement.
After the suspects let go of the man, they were seen leaving the area in a vehicle that resembled a silver Honda SUV.
Police say the four female suspects are all white, in their thirties, and approximately 5’4” and 200 pounds. The women were wearing short black dresses with high heels and no nylons. The SUV driver had a British accent with short blond hair and a tattoo of wings on the back of her neck. Another woman had longer, dark hair with red dye at the bottom.
Sounds like these four hags wanted to rape a Justin-Bieber-esque dude. But if these heifers drank in the bar, they should be pretty easy to track down. Never drop your credit card on a round of Cosmos if you plan on raping a dude.
And speaking of fatties in a bar, this hilarity took place in Stockton, CA when three fatties plowed through some barbecue:
Back in 2004 our state was hit with the last brood of cicadas. At their peak in June their sound was deafening- it was like a phaser rifle on overload. Now it is reported that a second brood is ready to emerge and it is expected to be as big if not bigger than the 2004 brood.
From the DailyMail here:
Billions of cicadas are expected to swarm the East Coast from New England to North Carolina this spring after remaining underground since the 1990s. The Brood II cicadas are expected to appear in large concentrations along the East Coast between mid-April and late May, a ritual nearly two decades in the making.
‘Brood II is a periodic cicada that hatches out every 17 years,’ Craig Gibbs, an entomologist at the Wildlife Conservation Society’s Queens Zoo, told CBS News.
The cicadas go through five stages underground feeding on tree bark and roots before they reappear above the surface.
‘What will happen is the nymphs will come up and they will shed their nymphal skin and they’ll crawl up into the trees and they’ll take about five days to harden and then they’ll start for next four to six weeks calling and looking for mates,’ said Gibbs.
The bugs will begin to arrive throughout several states to breed as the ground warms to 64 degrees and hotter.
And if the noise isn’t bad enough, at the end of their lives, these flying walnuts start dropping out of the sky, landing in your hair, going down your shirt, collecting on awnings by the thousands.
A Renoir painting disappeared from a Baltimore Museum in 1951. It eventually wound up in the hands of Marcia Fuqua of Virginia, who claimed that she bought the painting for 7 bucks at a flea market. When the FBI started investigating the theft and the re-emergence of the painting, Fuqua wrote the FBI claiming that she had no training in fine arts. Which was a lie, and something that could land her in very hot water.
There is a great write up of this story at the WaPo here. No one is claiming that Fuqua’s Mom stole the painting, but Fuqua’s lies to the FBI is enough to land her in jail.
Wesley Snipes hasn’t paid his fair share in a long time and went to jail for it. Now he’s finally free. Just in time, according to Arsenio Hall, for tax day!
@arseniohall Blade is back, Day Walker, all their strengths and none of their weaknesses, Wishful thinking.
— Kevin Eubanks (@Kevin_Eubanks) April 6, 2013
From CNN here:
Actor Wesley Snipes has been released from a federal prison where he was serving a three-year sentence after being convicted on tax charges in February 2010.
The release to a supervised residential location in New York occurred Tuesday, the Federal Bureau of Prisons told CNN.
Snipes, 50, who starred in the “Blade” action movies and “White Men Can’t Jump,” had been serving time at a federal prison in Pennsylvania. A jury convicted him of willfully failing to file tax returns for 1999, 2000 and 2001. Snipes was acquitted of felony tax fraud and conspiracy charges.
In June 2011, the U.S. Supreme Court refused to hear an appeal of his sentence, which he had argued was too harsh for a misdemeanor conviction.
Maybe Snipes can go to TurboTax and start paying his taxes on his residuals from his long string of awful movies. You can read his whole saga at this link here. So what do you think his next movie will be? A jail break movie? Movie about an IRS insider? Maybe a movie called “Black Men Can’t File 1040EZ?”
Remember the awesome Guy on a Buffalo series? The guys are back with a hipster-bashing ode to coffee shops.
I think the subtleties in this how-to video are awesome.
I’ve worked at a bunch of Federal Agencies in my career as a security consultant. The worst agency by far for lack of effort, common sense, professionalism and treating vendors with contempt is the Library of Congress. Those knuckleheads running the security team made me want to invent a “Fuck You” button for Linked-In when they had the gall to try to connect with me. So it came as absolutely no surprise to me that an LOC employee was using Craigslist to harass and stalk an ex-girlfriend.
From the Examiner here:
A Library of Congress film preservation worker faces federal charges for allegedly posting fake sex ads on Craigslist directing men to his ex-girlfriend.
61-year-old Kenneth Edward Kuban was charged with stalking a Fauquier County woman he had dated briefly in 2011. Kuban, who works at the Library of Congress Packard campus in Culpeper, allegedly posted the ads from his work computer.
Kuban made several Craigslist postings each week directing men to his ex-girlfriend’s home for sex or to buy pornographic videos. Some men refused to leave and the woman had to call police.
According to the Star Exponent, the victim had to change her phone number after receiving up to six unwanted calls each day.
For an old guy, he sure seems to have the trolling swagger. What is worse? The fact that our tax dollars pays this asshat’s salary or the fact that LOC has no content filtering in place? Or maybe they do have filtering but thinks that Craigslist is an appropriate site for their employees? The cops would have been the ones to detect the connection coming from LOC- the employees of LOC who are supposed to be monitoring their network for this type of activity couldn’t find an incident with both hands if it was taped to their ass.
A Virginia Minister is in jail for committing a hate crime against himself. Olander Cuthrell hates himself so bad that he spray painted the word nigger on the side of his house and then set it on fire. Of course he tried to blame imaginary white hate groups. The FBI got involved and all the clues pointed to Cuthrell as the perpetrator.
From CBS here:
A minister at a Virginia church faces charges of setting his house and car in Chesterfield County on fire.
Chesterfield County police had investigated the fires as a possible hate crime because a racial slur had been painted on the house. Police believe 41-year-old Olander D. Cuthrell, who is black, painted the slurs on his home before he set it on fire.
Police charged Cuthrell on Tuesday with two felony arson counts following a joint investigation with the FBI.
In a press release, authorities say they treat allegations of hate crimes as “serious matters.”
The fires occurred March 15. One fire was set on the front porch of Cuthrell’s house. The other was set in a car.
Cuthrell is a minister of music at Good Shepherd Baptist Church in Petersburg.
He is being held without bond at the Chesterfield County Jail. An April 17 hearing is set in Chesterfield County General District Court.
Hate Crimes are serious, but false accusations of hate crimes are far worse. There should be a law that severely punishes those who attempt to stir up hate and animosity by faking a hate crime. Make the penalty equivalent to a real hate crime. Oh, and Cuthrell is a Democrat.
Target shoppers became outraged when a Twitter user noticed that the plus sized dresses was labeled “Manatee Grey” when the standard size was Heather Grey. Why Target would name a color after a downsy dolphin is anyone’s guess.
— Susan Clemens (@suZen) April 3, 2013
I have heard that Hillary Clinton often wears pantsuits in Rhino Red and Kodiak Brown.
Spongebob and Patrick re-enact a scene from pulp fiction. Spongebob says “Nigger” a lot, but its okay since it is really the voice of noted Hollywood actor Quentin Tarantino who also made the move Django Unchained.
Oh, and its been a long time since I used this animated gif:
I’ve been a huge fan of Calvin and Hobbes for years. I even read my boy the Calvin and Hobbes books for bedtime. In fact, my own kid mirrors Calvin quite a bit- he hates his bicycle because he thinks it attacks him, he carries a giant stuffed dog called Brownie everywhere with him, even on vacation, and he constantly runs around the house engrossed in his own imaginary battles with giant robots. This video explores the idea that Calvin never quite got his imagination under control.