BelchSpeak
I can't believe that came from your mouth!
Your Mama’s So Fat Sidewalks Give Out
Jan 12th
You know you are fat when you gorge yourself on hot wings, step outside to wait for the bus, which is the vehicle big enough to carry your fat ass- and the sidewalk gives out under your feet. Bonus fatness comes when you can only be rescued by men with cranes. Paging Dr. Oz?
From the NYP here:
A heavyset woman caved through an Upper East Side sidewalk last night — dropping six feet into a huge hole where she was eventually pulled out by emergency crews using a crane-like rescue unit.
The 31-year-old Queens woman was huddled up against the wall of Atomic Wings at the Blue Room Grill on the corner of East 60th Street and Second Avenue, seeking shelter from the rain while waiting for a bus, when the sidewalk below her gave way around 9:15 p.m.
“The woman was enormous. She had to be more than 300 pounds,” said Daniel Crumity, 44, of Queens, who watched in disbelief from a window inside the Blue Room. “The ground literally fell out from underneath her.
“It happened so fast she did not scream or anything. Everybody in the bar got up to look.”
FDNY Fire Chief Thomas Jemmott said the woman had to be pulled up in “high-angle rescue unit” resembling a crane with cargo netting.
Pretty awesome floor show for a hot wing joint. Dropping great big fatties down holes is something I’d pay to see. Anyone think this incident will be a wake-up call for the fat lady? Will she lose weight or just file a lawsuit? And if she files a lawsuit, I sure hope there are double doors on the court room.
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Teacher Stomps On Flag; Gets Permanent Paid Vacation
Jan 10th
Another South Carolina teacher made the news this week. This time, Scott Compton, an English Teacher at Chapin High School in Chapin, SC, took an American flag and threw it on the floor and stomped on it as a demonstration in three of his English classes. He claimed it was just a piece of cloth that didn’t mean anything. School disagreed, and sent him on paid administrative leave, which means he still draws a salary to sit at home, as is common with unionized teachers.
From the DailyCaller here:
A high school teacher in South Carolina is under investigation and has been placed on long-term administrative leave after he allegedly threw an American flag on the floor and stomped on it in front of his students.
Scott Compton, an English teacher at Chapin High School in Chapin, S.C., reprised the unpatriotic deed in three classes over the course of one day.
“Then he proceeds to take down the American flag, and said, ‘This is a symbol, but it’s only a piece of cloth. It doesn’t mean anything,’ and then he throws it down on the floor and then stomps on it, repeatedly,” Copeland continued.
“I asked what was he trying to get, the point across? And she said, ‘I don’t know,’ and he said, his explanation was there would be no consequences, it’s just a piece of cloth that doesn’t mean anything.”
Perhaps ironically, however, Compton would soon face consequences.
Mark Bounds, a spokesperson for the school district, told WIS that the district frequently cautions teachers to avoid introducing personal opinions in the classroom.
“Our superintendent served in the military, I served in the military for 20 years, our flag is a symbol of our freedom, and so many people have fought and died for that liberty, and so we take this action very seriously,” Bounds added.
So what is the symbol of horrible Obama-voting teachers in America? Scott Compton. They should just fire his ass and be over it. Then he can enjoy all the Obama benefits- EBT card, unemployment and disability.
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Rapper Rhymes Badly; Live Tweets Shooting Himself in a Driveby
Jan 10th
An hero Seattle Rapper “Freddy E” also known as Frederick Buhl, aged 22, took to twitter to torture his followers with some horrifying attempts at making rhymes, and then live-tweeted his own suicide. Many of his tattoos still aren’t paid for.
From CBS here:
Freddy E, a popular Seattle-based rapper, died over the weekend in an apparent suicide and shared his final moments over Twitter.
Frederick E. Buhl, 22, tweeted his final moments before dying of a self-inflicted gunshot wound.
Buhl started his final Twitter rant with the cryptic “This day couldn’t get any worse…” and continued with a description of what he was doing.
“This barrel never felt so good next to my dome,” Freddy E tweeted. “It’s cold & I’d rather die than live alone.”
Buhl and rumored girlfriend, rapper Honey Cocaine, whose real name is Sochitla Sal, reportedly broke-up just before Buhl took his life.
Holy mackerel! If some ho (black women for you white folk!) named “So-Shit-La” dumped me I’d have to seriously reconsider my life choices too. Lets take a look at those last tweets:
Started out with binge drinking, and probably some pot:
Me and the fam @elcapo_rtez @nhatureboy @d2thefuckinj #FreeDrinksAllNight #ShotsShotsShotsShots twitter.com/Freddy_E/statu…
— Freddy E. (@Freddy_E) January 5, 2013
Then he smoked a pack of cigarettes:
Smoked my first pack of cigarettes today… been a long time since I’ve gone through heart break. It’s a cold unforgiving world if I do say.
— Freddy E. (@Freddy_E) January 5, 2013
Then the first really horrible attempt at rhyming-
Cruising in the 300 Chrysler. Wishing the world could be a little brighter. But all I can seem to find is this lighter. It’s all bad y’all.
— Freddy E. (@Freddy_E) January 5, 2013
Then another really lame rhyming attempt.
If there’s a God then He’s calling me back home. This barrel never felt so good next to my dome. It’s cold & I’d rather die than live alone.
— Freddy E. (@Freddy_E) January 5, 2013
And finally, the rapper commits a drive-by, going out gunned down by a thugged-up nigga! The way all rappers crave to die:
It’s… all… bad… y’all. *puts finger around trigger*
— Freddy E. (@Freddy_E) January 5, 2013
Well, its certain that he couldn’t rhyme, and since rappers steal music beats from other musicians, he couldn’t write music either. He certainly was an avid attention whore, craving the spotlight to the point that he’d live tweet his own stupid suicide. The question I want to have answered is what is Joe Biden going to do to keep guns out of the hands of pot-smoking bad rappers? Won’t he think of saving just one life?
Thanks to Robb for the tip.
(1 votes, average: 6.00 out of 6) Loading ...Eco-Religionists Throw Hissy When EPA Tells Them Their Water is Clean
Jan 9th
The promo below is being banned on YouTube because leftists don’t want you to see that the Fracking process, whereby natural gas is removed from shale deposits by using a high pressure water system, is actually perfectly safe. These Pennsylvania yahoos tried to claim that they found two types of “weapons grade uranium” in their water supply. Whatevs, hippies.
I really want to see this documentary just for the lulz factor. From MRC here:
Anti-fracking activists don’t want debate or dissent – they want to silence criticism and questions.”
According to the warning from YouTube, the site takes “public interest, newsworthiness, and consent into account when determining if content should be removed for a privacy violation.” The Sautners were not only involved in a multi-million lawsuit, but their story has become a rallying cry for environmental activists.
Dimock, Pa., has attracted celebrity activists Mark Ruffallo, Ashley Judd and Robert Kennedy. The Sautners themselves were involved in a multi-million dollar lawsuit over the quality of their water. The advertisement, and “FrackNation,” raise questions about the accuracy of the Sautners’ claims.
I wonder what chemical in the water makes Julie Sautner so god damned fat? Chocolate? Ice cream? Butter?
(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Anyone Want Foot Jerky? Callous Clear Has it For You
Jan 9th
My wife just mentioned a gross TV infomercial about a foot cream, that once applied, you can scrape disgusting callouses off your feet. Looks like foot jerky. Yum?
Women get busted calloused feet because our culture told them it was okay to walk around in hard shoes with high heels and no socks. Now they have to deal with the callouses, but this is definitely not a way to keep your man looking at you with those “come hither eyes.”
I must admit that it does present a great new way for chicks to turn down men on an almost permanent basis. Instead of using the excuse, “I have to wash my hair that night,” they can use the excuse, “I have to scrape gigantic foot callouses off my feet with a putty knife.” And if the guy wants to watch that, its time to break out the pepper spray.
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Dope Smoking Democrat Strangles Girlfriend With Dreadlocks
Jan 9th
Meet Caleb Grotberg, He is a dope smoking rastafarian wanna-be from Portland, and an assured Obama voter- if he could navigate the haze of pot smoke to make it to the voting booth. He was recently arrested for beating up his girlfriend and strangling her with his stinky, smelly dreadlocks.
From TSG here:
The Portland, Oregon man is facing an array of criminal charges after he allegedly assaulted his girlfriend early yesterday and “choked her with his dread-locked hair,” according to police.
Grotberg, 32, was busted after cops responded to a domestic disturbance call around 2:30 AM Monday. The victim was transported to a local hospital for treatment of what police described as “numerous, non-life-threatening injuries.”
Maybe he was pissed off because he couldn’t get a job? All I know is that after this outrage, Obama should issue an executive order banning dreadlocks. If it could save just one life, it will be worth it.
(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Like Raaaiiin On Your Wedding Day- Lottery Winner Murdered by Poisoning
Jan 8th
Sing it Alanis:
From DailyMail here:
A hardworking immigrant who won $1 million on the Illinois Lottery last summer died of a lethal dose of cyanide poisoning the day after receiving the check for his winnings.
Urooj Khan, 46, paid $60 for two lottery scratch-off tickets, and, upon scratching the second one, reportedly leaped in the air and shouted, ‘I hit a million!’
After taxes, the prize money amounted to $425,000 and Khan received his check a month after his win on July 19. Khan went to work as normal the next day, but that night he woke up screaming in excruciating pain.
His frantic widow, Shabana Ansari, and daughter rushed to his side. The stricken Khan was taken to St. Francis Hospital in Evanston, where doctors pronounced him dead.
Khan’s death was initially attributed to natural causes, but within a week of Khan’s death an unidentified relative phoned the Cook County Medical Examiner’s office and asked investigators to take another look.
When his investigators conducted comprehensive toxicology tests, they found lethal levels of cyanide.
The Chicago Police Department is now treating Khan’s death as a homicide and is considering exhuming his body.
Given that most brown people in chicago die of gunshot wounds, isn’t it refreshing to see one of cyanide poisoning? I think the wife did it.
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Teacher Puts Asspie in a Box
Jan 8th
A West Virginia teacher put a problem child in a “bad boy fort” built of cardboard due to the boy’s misbehavior. The article doesn’t go into what type of behavior prompted the teacher to surround the kid in a box, but it does mention that the kid suffered from the now non-existent diagnosis of “Aspergers.” If experience is any indication, the kid must have just been annoying the shit out of everyone.
From the Gazette here:
The parents of a Parkersburg High School student say a teacher put their son, who has Asperger’s syndrome, in a box labeled “bad kid fort” because of his behavior in the classroom.
Beth Dean and Jeff Richards say the social studies teacher humiliated their 15-year-old son.
“Instead of sending him out of the room or any other myriad of options, she fashioned a large cardboard box and placed the box around his seat, completely enclosing him, in front of 30 of his peers,” Dean told the Parkersburg News and Sentinel.
Her son’s individual education plan outlines steps to take when his behavior is disruptive or unmanageable, she said. “Placed in cardboard box was not one of those steps,” she said.
It was a stupid thing for a teacher to do. The time it took to make the stupid box, coupled with the distractions it created is no way to create a learning environment. But then again, taking classes with a disruptive kid is no learning environment either. And aren’t asspies devoid of embarrassment and social cues? How could an asspie feel shame, embarrassment or any other negative connotation from that? Bonus lulz if “hugbox” was written on the side.
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Your Tax Dollars at Work: Octomom Goes Back on Welfare
Jan 7th
The Octomom, who’s 15 minutes of fame was exhausted, had been touring strip clubs to make ends meet. Then the stress of getting naked for jeering dudes drove her to a Xanax addiction, so she spent all her stripper cash on rehab. Now broke, and still saddled with 14 mewling future drains on society, Octomom is back on the dole.
From AceShowbiz here:
It’s been only five months since Nadya Suleman got off welfare but now the Octomom has signed up once again for the much-needed government assistance. The mother, who came into international attention for giving birth to octuplets back in 2009, has gone back on welfare after her savings were depleted following her rehab back in October.
Suleman entered the Chapman House Rehabilitation Center in California to cure her addiction to the anti-anxiety drug Xanax. The mother of 14 kids, who already had 6 kids prior to having the octuplets, earned substantially from doing porn with “Octomom: Home Alone” and other strip club gigs but had apparently used up all her savings on her rehab, forcing her to sign up again for welfare.
She will reportedly get a monthly assistance of $1,800 for food, $1,000 for emergencies, and Medi-Cal support to help with mental heath and dental needs. Already unemployed and depending on public assistance before conceiving the octuplets, Octomom told sources she would be staying on welfare until she could get back on her feet again.
Welfare is a trap, and it is not intended to help anyone “get on their feet.” You don’t make enough money to save for the future or buy nice things, and often the medical benefits are too good to ever give up. That red tshirt Octomom is wearing should say “Welfare 4 Life!”
(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Cuccinelli Defeats EPA Over Accotink Creek
Jan 7th
Ken Cuccinelli, a staunch state’s rights advocate, and God willing, the next governor of Virginia, defeated the Environmental Protection Agency in a lawsuit dealing with creek water runoff of Accotink Creek in Fairfax County VA. The EPA tried to force Fairfax County to spend hundreds of millions of dollars to contain runoff water because that water was a pollutant, and therefore under the EPA’s purview. Thankfully the courts told the EPA to pound sand.
From BigGovt here:
On Thursday, Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli scored a major victory against the Environmental Protection Agency’s (EPA) attempts to treat water as a pollutant under the Clean Water Act. Mr. Cuccinelli’s efforts will save Virginia taxpayers $300 million.
The legal battle began when the EPA claimed that stormwater flowing into the Accotink Creek in Fairfax County should be regulated as a pollutant. U.S. District Judge Liam O’Grady said the EPA’s regulatory actions overstepped the agency’s authority. “Stormwater runoff is not a pollutant,” said Judge O’Grady, “so EPA is not authorized to regulate it.”
Prior to the ruling, Mr. Cuccinelli, a Republican running for Virginia governor, said if the EPA prevailed, it would bring “economic development to a screeching halt” and would “be one more blow to liberty, as the federal government continues to accumulate more and more power at the expense of our state and local governments.”
The EPA will likely create new rules granting themselves the power to regulate all water eventually unless they are stopped. Can we cut funding to this wasteful, bullying department of bureaucrats?
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Teacher Throws Away Life With Family to Bang a Teenager
Jan 6th
Meet Kinsley Wentzky, 34. She is married, has two toddlers at home, claims she’s happily married, but couldn’t resist stuffing her vagina with the penis of a 16 Year Old Boy she taught at school. She makes a nice boo-boo face for the mug shot, right?
From Wistv here:
An arrest warrant says a Midlands high school teacher and the student she is accused of having a sexual relationship with admitted to the affair.
Columbia Police on Friday charged Kinsley Wentzky, 34, with sexual battery with a student 16 or 17 years of age. Wentzky engaged in sexual intercourse with a 17-year-old male student at a Columbia home on several occasions. Wentzky and the student gave sworn statements admitting to an “intimate” relationship. The two engaged in sexual activity on or about May 1st, 2012 at a home on Wilmot St.
Wentzky is listed as an English teacher at Dreher High School on the school’s website. On her class web page, she describes herself as happily married with two children. She has been teaching at Dreher for seven years.
Wentzky is on paid administrative leave with Richland County School District One.
Of course, when you are a member of the teachers’ union, you can molest children and keep your paycheck without having to bother to show up to work. Its a perk Obama voters like her relish. Too bad her family will now be torn apart because of her complete lack of self control and her perversion.
(1 votes, average: 6.00 out of 6) Loading ...Pandas Might Be Good For Something
Jan 5th
The best article ever on Pandas was written and posted to the Daily Caller.
From the DC here:
Some people think pandas are nothing more than bamboo-crapping wastes of space, and I’m one of those people. All pandas do is sleep, eat wicker, and act like dicks:
But as it turns out, nature’s cuddliest evolutionary dead end might serve a purpose after all.
Some type of scientific BS about how panda blood might solve infections was in the article here.
I’m always happy to see the phrase “panda blood,” but this is a whole new context. The trick will be figuring out how to synthesize the antibiotic before all the pandas die off, since they like to mate about as much as Mr. Roper. Hang in there until we can get some use out of you, you flabby two-tone layabouts. Then you can finally go away.
I’d personally shoot every panda in the face. Make it an international “sandy hook” in monochrome and crimson. Oh, too soon?
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Liberals Selling ReUsable Toilet Paper on Etsy
Jan 5th
Filed under EEEWWWWW. Meet “Family Cloth.” Its the alternative to toilet paper. Wipe your ass on a pinkish piece of cloth and wash it over and over instead of “wasting money” by flushing toilet paper down the commode. Only liberals and hippies think that killing trees and flushing toilet paper is somehow damaging to the environment. Their grasp of science insists that water and trees are non-renewable, but think that putting biomedical waste in the family washer is hunky-dory.
From Etsy here:
Family cloth is the environmentally friendly alternative to toilet paper. No longer do you need to (quite literally) flush your money down the toilet. Instead you can re-use it.
Simply toss your used family cloth into a small bin, and at the end of the day throw it in the washing machine. It’s softer than toilet paper, and made of 100% cotton. Great for everyone…especially those little ones whose bums are extra sensitive!
Why are liberals so absolutely consumed with their urine and feces?? Eco-worshipping whackjobs are self-loathing copromaniacs who are obsessed with their own bodily waste. I have documented previously how they want to restrict everyone to one piece of toilet paper, want to flush the toilet only once per week, and even reusing tampons. They even want to ban flushing toilets altogether. They even made a battery that requires you to pee into it to power it, getting urine all over your fingers. Never mind that engineers solved the whole urine and feces problem over 150 years ago. Shit rolls downhill, and it gets filtered and even recycled at sewage treatment plants, returning fresh water to the city supplies. But that’s not good enough for liberals. Because corporations.
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Great Scott! Uranium For Sale on Amazon
Jan 4th
Just in case you are having trouble getting your reactor to fission, you can now order, directly from Amazon.com, a can of Uranium Ore.
And its quite a steal for just 40 bucks. A carton of Pall Malls cost more than that. And the customer reviews are “glowing.”
3.0 out of 5 stars Great Product, Poor Packaging May 14, 2009
I purchased this product 4.47 Billion Years ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty.5.0 out of 5 stars So glad I don’t have to buy this from Libyans in parking lots at the mall anymore. January 21, 2009I bought this to power a home-made submarine that I use to look for prehistoric-era life forms in land-locked lakes around my home town in Alaska. At first I wasn’t sure if this item would (or could) arrive via mail, but I was glad to see it showed up with no problems. Well, almost no problems.
Unfortuantly my mom opened my mail, because she does not respect people’s privacy. She was pretty upset to see Uranium Ore. After a long argument and me running away from home again, she finaly stopped being such an idiot and I was able to get back to work.
The quality of this Uranium is on par with the stuff I was bying from the Libyans over at the mall parking lot, but at half the price! I just hope the seller does not run out, because I have many projects on my list including a night vision sasquatch radar, an electromagnetic chupakabra cage, a high velocity, aerial, weighted Mothman net and super heated, instant grill cheese sandwhich maker.
Power my spaceship this wouldn’t!, December 30, 2012ByJeffrey A. Johnson “Jeff Johnson” (San Francisco, CA USA) -
Homesick for planet Dagobah I am. Fuel for my spaceship I need. Bought this product last year I did. (To raise the funds, many years of signing autographs at Geek conferences it took me.) Hundreds of containers I purchased. Melted them I did, fuel rods to make. But, sadly, power my ship they would not. Too low-grade. So for the foreseeable future, stuck here on Earth I remain.
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Gov Googley-Eye’s Stepdaughter Brains Boyfriend
Jan 4th
Ashley Dennis, the stepdaughter of former NY Governor David Paterson, is a crazy bitch- the kind of crazy bitch men should stay away from. She completely flipped out when her boyfriend received a text message from another woman, stripped her clothes off, then sobbed and begged him for sex. Crazy naked crying chicks are rarely sexually attractive, so of course the boyfriend turned her down. That’s when she grabbed a skillet, brained her boyfriend several times, and wouldn’t let him leave the apartment. Now he’s suing her for being a crazy ex-girlfriend.
From the DailyMail here:
The stepdaughter of a former governor flew into a psychotic rage after her boyfriend received a text from another woman and then refused her offer of sex when she came to him crying and naked afterwards.
New York Governor David Paterson’s stepdaughter Ashley Dennis, 23, is accused of beating her then-boyfriend Brian McGuinness, 32, over the head with a frying pan, blocking him in the apartment and then slamming the door on his leg until he lost consciousness. The allegations regarding the October 1, 2011, incident were revealed in papers filed in Manhattan Supreme Court this week.
Dennis was arrested and charged with assault after neighbors called police to report a violent fight at the West Village apartment in New York.
When police arrived, McGuinness was lying bleeding and unconscious on the floor.
The pair were in a taxi after a dinner date around midnight on October 1 when McGuinness got a text from someone called ‘Dana’, to which Dennis grew irrationally angry and started screaming, ‘F*** that b**ch, why the f*** is Dana texting you’. The fight continued in his apartment so he left to allow his then-girlfriend time to calm down.
When he returned, Dennis was crying and naked and offered him sex. It was when he refused that she grabbed a frying pan and hit him over the head with it several times.
The suit says that as he ‘attempted to exit his apartment, a naked Ms Dennis held him back, blocked the doorway and continued to yell obscenities.She is then said to have continued beating him with his shoe and slamming the door on his leg until he passed out.
The building super Pearl DiGeronimo said at the time she thought there had been a murder because there was so much blood everywhere.
23 years old and already this crazy? She damn near murdered her boyfriend over a text message. Woe to anyone who would try to date this trainwreck.
(1 votes, average: 6.00 out of 6) Loading ...Electro-Static Discharge- How NOT to Do It
Jan 4th
I have a degree in electronics, but I actually haven’t played with circuit boards in earnest since college. And even then, we never played with an ESD gun. We DID, however get to discharge several big CRTs, which is essentially a giant capacitor- and when those are discharged, they pop quite loudly and it makes your hair stand on end. Good times. But this is a video on how NOT to handle ESD.
(1 votes, average: 6.00 out of 6) Loading ...The Navy Depicts a Bad Bath Salts Trip
Jan 3rd
Whoa. Now I understand why pot zombies are eating peoples’ faces. From the US Navy, which is tax dollars pretty well spent I think.
(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...World’s Oldest Dashcam Video Looks Familiar
Jan 3rd
Found this video on Liveleak and it was fascinating. Old firetrucks didn’t have sirens- just a stupid clanging bell, and I get the feeling the dude riding shotgun had to keep pulling that string to keep the bell clanging away. This firetruck weaves in and out of traffic, startling pedestrians, taking back alleys filled with snow, and even drives on the sidewalks a few times. And then it hit me- This is the Naked Gun intro from 1926.
Here is the hilarious comparison:
(1 votes, average: 6.00 out of 6) Loading ... World Wildlife Servers Hacked; Panda PII Pwn3d
Jan 3rd
A hacker group called Darkweb Goons hacked the website of WWFchina.org, home of the World Wildlife Federation, exposing 54,000 cleartext usernames, passwords, and email addresses. Also, the hackers exposed the creditcard numbers of most of the pandas in captivity.
From softpedia here:
A hacker collective called DarkWeb Goons, recently founded by a former member of the Grey Security group, has breached the official website of World Wildlife Foundation China (wwfchina.org).
The hackers have published a file containing the details or around 80,000 users, including email addresses, usernames, passwords and, in some cases, ICQ numbers.
The email addresses and login passwords of the site’s administrators have also been published.
CWN has analyzed the data leak and has found that over 54,000 of the records comprise email addresses and associated passwords in clear text.
Many of the email addresses are registered with Chinese providers such as Sina or QQ, but a few thousands belong to Hotmail, Gmail and Yahoo customers.
Just kidding about the Pandas. They are pretty secure since they can’t type in their PIN numbers with those big fluffy paws. But loads of leftist do-gooder information was exposed. For the lulz, I’m sure.
(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Nigerian 419 Scammers Make Perfect Faith Healing Scammers
Jan 2nd
While this Nigerian was running his own advanced fee fraud scam, he met a demon on the Internet. After two lulzy years of snakes, warm temperatures, and sight loss, he gets healed with the power of Jesus.
So which is more disgusting? Faith healer frauds or Advanced fee frauds? Fool stupid masses of people all at once or a few at a time?
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