From the WashTimes here:

A city council member in a small seaside town in the U.K. is defending his beliefs in extra-terrestrial life — after claiming to have fathered a child with an alien.
Married father-of-three Simon Parkes, 53, who represents Stakesby on Whitby Town Council, said in a recent TV documentary that he and his wife fight because he has sexual relations with an alien called the Cat Queen about four times a year.

The Labour councillor claims to have fathered a love child with the being, named Zarka.
“What will happen is that we will hold hands and I will say ‘I’m ready’ and then the technology I don’t understand will take us up to a craft orbiting the earth,” Mr. Parkes said in a documentary posted to YouTube, called Confessions Of An Alien Abductee.”

“My wife found out about it and was very unhappy, clearly. That caused a few problems, but it is not on a human level, so I don’t see it as wrong,” he added. “I think I am fairly clear in my head that I am being monitored [by aliens] very closely and if there is anything that’s seriously about to happen or does happen then I am fairly confident in my own mind that they will intervene, they have in the past.”
Mr. Parkes, who was a councillor in Hackney during the 1990s, claims he has had experiences with aliens since birth, and his “real mother” is a 9-foot green alien with eight fingers. He said his experiences have not hindered his work.

Must be a Democrat. You get what you vote for. And remember, there are no such things as Aliens.

Bloody Bride’s nose, the band broke up, and a scowling family.

From the WaTimes here:

An iFly jet made seven flights carrying a dead man in its wheel well before crews in Moscow discovered the body.
Maintenance workers noticed blood stains last Thursday on the plane’s main landing gear struts. After inspecting the wheel well they found the remains of a man carrying a Georgia passport.
“According to a preliminary conclusion, the Afro-American man died from freezing. The man was apparently flying without a ticket,” the Investigative Committee said on its website.
Authorities say the stowaway boarded the plane four days before he was found dead.

There is no heat in the wheel wells, and its freezing at 38,000 feet. What a dumb way to go.

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From ABC here:

Shannon Richardson had been married to her husband less than two years when she went to authorities and told them her suspicions: He was the one who had mailed ricin-laced letters to President Barack Obama and New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg threatening violence against gun-control advocates.

When investigators looked closer, they reached a different conclusion: It was the 35-year-old pregnant actress who had sent the letters, and she tried to frame her estranged husband in a bizarre case of marital conflict crossing with bioterrorism.

Richardson, a mother of five who has played bit roles on television and in movies, was arrested and charged with mailing a threatening communication to the president. The federal charge carries up to 10 years in prison.

Richardson contacted authorities on May 30 and implicated her husband, Nathaniel Richardson. She described finding small, brown beans with white speckles — a description matching the key ingredient in ricin, castor beans — at the couple’s home in New Boston, Texas. She also told investigators that she had found a sticky note on her husband’s desk with addresses for Bloomberg and Obama.

But she later failed a polygraph test, the document said, and investigators looking into her story found numerous inconsistencies. Among them: Nathaniel Richardson would have been at work when Internet searches tied to the letters were made on the couple’s laptop and when the envelopes containing the letters were postmarked.

Finally, in an interview with authorities on Thursday, Shannon Richardson admitted that she had received syringes and lye — a caustic chemical used in making ricin — in the mail; that she had printed the labels for the letters; and that she mailed them. However, she insisted her husband typed them and “made her” print and send them.

Okay, this guy is now going to win every contest for who has the craziest ex-girlfriend. Plus, she has five kids and only got married to this guy two years ago and she goes to these bizarre lengths to get out of the relationship? She should have just had one of those “We need to talk” conversations.

From CBS here:

A man was killed by a subway train in the Bronx early Saturday, after he jumped down onto the tracks to grab a cell phone he had dropped.

The 22-year-old man jumped onto the tracks and was killed by the No. 2 train at White Plains Road and East 241st Street, in the Wakefield section of the Bronx.

I get it. You don’t want to lose your high score on Angry Birds. Just don’t jump onto the rail tracks.

From Fox here:

Mothers looking to give their children a unique, yet familiar, candy treat are in luck. A lollipop company based in Austin, Texas called Lollyphile is offering new Breast Milk Lollipops, meant to mimic the flavor of a mother’s milk.

According to Lollyphile’s website, numerous mothers shared their breast milk with the company’s “flavor specialists,” until they were able to turn the flavor into a candy.

The limited edition lollipops aren’t cheap. Four will cost you $10. A case of 36 Breast Milk Lollipops costs $58.

I’m sure the candy maker has a ready market of hippy-dippy organic soy swilling eco-religionists who would think this is awesome. I think its stupid and gross. But if this guy can take money from those progressive moms, then it makes me happy.

I participated in some epic twitter mockery:

@wonderlandr and good luck on getting Matt Damon to kiss him again in the Liberace sequel.

— Dr. Jones (@BelchSpeak) June 2, 2013

@wonderlandr SURPRISE!!Damon is booked for the rest of the month gargling Listerine.

— Dr. Jones (@BelchSpeak) June 2, 2013

@stevehuff now Matt Damon does too.

— Dr. Jones (@BelchSpeak) June 3, 2013

Michael Douglas: Analingus Destroyed My Breath

— Uncle Dynamite (@UncleDynamite) June 3, 2013

In other news, blowjobs prevent prostate cancer.

— Sarah Thyre (@SarahThyre) June 2, 2013

My throat must look like Chernobyl.

— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) June 2, 2013

Most people get throat cancer by smoking cigs. Michael Douglas one-ups those losers by smoking skaggs. #LickPussyThroughYourStomaFools

— Dr. Jones (@BelchSpeak) June 3, 2013

“Eating pussy gave me Cancer” = ultimate humblebrag.

— Morgan Murphy (@morgan_murphy) June 2, 2013

Now I can only imagine Michael Douglas eating pussy by turning his throat inside out like a bullfrog eating flies. #Ribbit

— Dr. Jones (@BelchSpeak) June 3, 2013

In other news Michael Douglas teaches classes on reading Braille with your tongue.

— Dr. Jones (@BelchSpeak) June 3, 2013

This is what a young Michael Douglas practiced on before going for the world record for cancerous pussy eating. twitter.com/BelchSpeak/sta…

— Dr. Jones (@BelchSpeak) June 3, 2013

From the DC here:

Yet another student has landed in a heap of trouble for having something that represents a gun, but isn’t actually anything like a real gun.

This time, the perpetrator was a six-year-old boy. The menacing weapon in question was a plastic Lego G.I. Joe gun roughly the size of a quarter.

The incident unfolded Friday morning on a school bus headed to Old Mill Pond Elementary School in Palmer, Mass. Another student on the bus spotted the Lego piece and promptly shouted to the driver.

School officials, who declined to speak to the ABC affiliate, promptly sent a letter home to all parents explaining the incident. The letter assured parents that there was no real gun, only a small molded piece of plastic from a Danish toy conglomerate.

According to Crane, her son was forced to apologize to the bus driver in a letter. He has to serve detention on Tuesday. Also, he may face a temporary suspension from riding the bus.

If this happened to my kid, the apology letter would go something like this:

I’m sorry your education and maturity did not afford you to be able to make grown-up decisions about safety and common sense judgement. Toys can be scary to stupid people, and for that, I apologize. Your inability to make safety and security judgments will certainly deter me from putting my life at risk with you behind the wheel of a giant school bus.

Whenever you hear about schools trying to stop bullying, keep in mind that bullying is not only taking place, it has the sanctioning of the school system too. The school decides who should be bullied and who shouldn’t. Zero Tolerance policies are huge bullies, are harmful to children, and can’t possibly teach a child what is fair and what is not.

From Breitbart here:

SheZow… follows the adventures of a 12-year-old boy named Guy who uses a magic ring to transform himself into a crime-fighting girl. Yes, you read that correctly. When Guy says the magic words – “You go girl!” – he becomes SheZow, wearing a purple skirt and cape, as well as pink gloves and white boots.
The chief executive of the Hub, who may or may not have been high (and leftist) when she greenlit this project, is Margaret Loesch. Loesch commented, “When I first heard about the show, my reaction was ‘Are you out of your minds?’ Then I looked at it and I thought, ‘This is just funny.’”
The target audience for the Hub is children aged two to eleven.

Wow, even the superhero icon on this character’s chest and belt looks like a jizz stain. I guess that got there by SheZow giving handies with those gigantic four-fingered square hands. Never trust a superhero with manhands and an adam’s apple. That’s superhero conduct code rule Number 8.

From the DailyMail here:

Police investigating the death of a young female zoo keeper who was fatally mauled by a tiger have not ruled out suicide.

Sarah McClay, 24 , was attacked by a Sumatran tiger at the park in Dalton-in-Furness, Cumbria, on Friday afternoon after she went into its enclosure. Bosses at the park say she had no reason to be in the area.

Mr Gill said keepers follow ‘strict protocol’ and would never enter an animal enclosure without first radioing for permission, something Ms McClay, whom he described as ‘very professional’, did not do.

He saw her dragged the length of the enclosure and fired two shots at the animal, but it was too late.
‘You do not have a hope if a tiger gets hold of you,’ he said.

A lot of hippie chicks are getting eaten by lions and tigers these days. A good trend I think.