I can't believe that came from your mouth!
Humor
It makes me laugh
Duke Lacrosse Whore is Pregnant
Dec 15th
The Duke Lacrosse case is getting ridiculous. Now it seems that the stripper is about to ruin one more life- that of her unborn child. Given that there is no way that this woman, who is as common as a barber chair, could tell who the father is, perhaps she can go on Maury’s show to find out who “da baby daddy is.”
From the AP here:
The woman at the center of the Duke lacrosse rape case is pregnant and due to give birth any day, roughly nine months after the team party where she says she was raped by three men in a bathroom.
The pregnancy was confirmed late Thursday by a person familiar with the case, speaking to The Associated Press on the condition of anonymity. Both Fox News and WRAL-TV in Raleigh reported she gave birth Thursday night.
The person who confirmed the pregnancy to the AP had no information about the father. Defense attorneys have stressed for months that no sex occurred at the party and they have cited DNA testing that found genetic material from several males in the accuser’s body and her underwear but none from any member of the lacrosse team.
Medical records included in a defense motion filed Thursday were not made public. It wasn’t clear whether a pregnancy test was taken immediately after the party.
I did a registry search at Babies-R-Us and could not find Janette Rivers’ registry. But here is what you will see on Maury. Click the pic below to see the clip. Thanks to S&L for the news tip.
Update! She had the baby Thursday. She returns to work on the stripper pole tonight.
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Loading ...Beer Drinking Thief Kidnaps Baby Jesus
Dec 11th
You hear about something like this every year: Manger Mauling or Nativity Napping.
From the AP here:
PLAISTOW, N.H. – A homeowner said Friday that whoever stole the baby Jesus from his manger scene was disrespectful by replacing it with an empty beer can. Bob Chooljain said that the Jesus figure was stolen from the manger scene on Wednesday night.
“You just wonder, what was in the person’s mind that actually did that? What was the reason for it? Why leave the beer can? What’s the connection?” said Chooljain, doesn’t want to press charges.
Chooljain said he will replace the illuminated figure with another doll for the time being.
So I guess the stealing of the baby Jesus was okay, but leaving the empty can of beer was disrespectful? I’d say so too. A full beer would be closer to a fair trade.
I guess he could always drive nails through the baby Jesus’ hands and feet to keep it in its manger, but that would probably create some sort of Christian Holiday Time Paradox by co-mingling the holidays.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...MySpace Kid Organizes Scouting Fundraiser
Dec 8th
The Internet s self-proclaimed “Youngest Blogger,” Seth Hicks, aged 8, was inspired by a recent story at the Guns-N-Butter website to start a fundraiser to buy panties for poor Hollywood Starlets.
“I am working for my “Caring Challenge” badge for the Cub Scouts and I thought this would be the best way the help poor Britney Spears,” he wrote in his popular MySpace blog at www.myspace.com/mommydontknow
“I was shocked to discover that some singers and Hollywood stars can’t afford underwear. What better way to show that America cares than to have the scouts help them to ‘be prepared?’” he wrote referring to the famous Scouting Motto.
With the help of his Den Mother and fellow cub scouts, Seth Hicks had a blowup poster printed showing Britney Spears getting out of a car. A Cub Scouts of America symbol obscuring any nudity was tactfully taped to the poster.
The poster, along with a fundraising jar, was setup outside the local Walmart during the busy Holiday shopping season. Walmart shoppers greeted the fundraising idea with great enthusiasm, and the tip jar filled up quickly.
Not everyone was happy with the Scouting efforts, however. Charlie Miller, a volunteer with the Salvation Army at the same Walmart said, “I stand here ringing this bell and the shoppers have to choose between the red kettle and a big Britney poster. That kid is taking donations away from needier people.”
Seth Hicks’ Cub Scout Pack raised enough money in 5 hours to send Britney Spears 640 pairs of cotton Hanes Her Way panties, along with the money to ship them overnight by FedEx.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Wii Controllers are Hazardous
Dec 6th
My wife and I have debated each other about the new Nintendo Wii game system. I say that it is stupid and that people will quickly grow tired of standing up and flailing their arms around to make the video game work. Dance Dance Revolution was awesome and fun to watch, but the full body movements just won’t translate well to things like golf or bowling. My wife thinks people will finally stop being couch potatoes and get up and get some slight exercise, and who knows, maybe once they are off the couch they will take a few more steps and actually go outside to play?
Well it seems that with the introduction of the Wii, there are marked increases in household accidents and injuries. Apparently people are accidentally throwing the controllers at the TV, giving each other fat lips, smacking their hands on furniture, kicking their pets and other documented mayhem. Which is not really a new phenomena. When my brothers and I were playing with our Atari 2600′s back in the day, fights used to erupt frequently and more than one controller was used as a bludgeoning weapon.
Nintendo has sent out a nice email warning users about proper handling and control of the Wii remotes.
Yeah laugh now. Its always funny until someone loses an eye.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Spilled Doritos Chips Wash Ashore on Outer Banks
Nov 30th
Hilarious photos of thousands of Doritos chips washed up on the beach in North Carolina. And they are all still fresh! This is an environmental spill that everyone can volunteer to help cleanup.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Gator Chews on Florida Crackhead
Nov 30th
A stupid crackhead in Florida decided to strip down to his birthday suit and go swimming in a Florida pond. A large gator grabbed hold of him and chewed on parts of both arms and was working on a leg when Sheriff’s Deputies dove in and rescued him.
From Reuters here:
Florida sheriff’s deputies jumped into a dark lake and pulled a naked man from the jaws of an alligator early on Wednesday, authorities said. The man lost his left arm and had a broken right arm and major injuries to his left leg, Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd said. He was hospitalized in critical condition.
After several people reported hearing screams for help from central Florida’s Lake Parker at about 4 a.m., deputies arrived to find the man in the alligator’s grasp, the sheriff said. Four deputies waded through waist-deep mud, wrestled the man free and pulled him about 40 yards (meters) back to shore to a waiting ambulance, Judd said.
“He was totally naked,” Judd said of the victim, identified as 45-year-old Adrian Apgar. “He admitted that he’d been smoking crack cocaine.”
A 12-foot alligator was later plucked from the lake, and wildlife officials said it was believed to be the one that attacked Apgar.
A Twelve Foot Gator is a huge animal. It could eat a deer. This crackhead is lucky that his screams woke the neighbors, or else he would have simply vanished off the planet.? One of the best writeups on this is at TBO here.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...No More Fashion Nightmares
Nov 29th
I was very pleasantly surprised the other day when I was outside of Starbucks and spotted some neighborhood kids riding their skateboards. They were wearing straight leg jeans. Their ass cracks weren’t showing. You couldn’t see any part of their underwear. The cuffs went all the way to the ankles and they weren’t frayed. And the knees weren’t even ripped out.
The fashion gods have answered my prayers and killed the baggy-pants fashion nightmare. Now, if they can only get rid of low rider jeans for women too, I would be ecstatic. Its not that I think belly buttons are unattractive (I do think they are gross, but that is for another blog), but face it, it only really looks good if you have a body like Britney had before she met FedEx.
Too many girls around my town wear low-rider jeans and belly shirts and they have four-inch jiggly muffin tops oozing over the tops of their pants that are straining at the seams. Whats worse is many of these jeans have stupid sequined phrases written on their asses that say “sexy” “party” or something similar. What they should say is “keeblers” or “BurgerKing.”
Well, the days of the muffin top is coming to a close now that “Tummy Tuck” jeans are here.
Could you eat all the nachos you want and still look hot in your jeans? Maybe. One company claims its jeans can help flatter your figure.
The Tummy Tuck Jeans brand claims that its jeans slim the mid-section without exercise or surgery. In fact, the makers of the jeans, Not Your Daughters Jeans said patented criss-cross stitching behind the front pockets allows the garment to flatten the stomach, lift the buttocks and slim the body.
The company said that Tummy Tuck jeans “holds in your stomach, contours your hips and lifts up your butt without making you feel like you are wearing a girdle.”
The jeans are endorsed by some well-known people as well. “Women who like to eat need Tummy Tuck jeans!” famed chef Rachael Ray said in a press release.
And is it me or is Rachael Ray getting just a little over-exposed?
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Taking a Zamboni to BK Gets You Fired
Nov 26th
A Zamboni only goes about 5 miles per hour. That is with the pedal to the metal. And if you take it off-rink and to the local BurgerKing for a Flame-Broiled Whopper? Yeah, you get the pink slip.
From the AP here:
BOISE, Idaho – Two employees of the city’s ice skating rink have been fired for making a midnight fast-food run in a pair of Zambonis. An anonymous tipster reported seeing the two big ice-resurfacing machines chug through a Burger King drive-through and return to the rink around 12:30 a.m. on Nov. 10. The squat, rubber-tired vehicles, which have a top speed of about 5 mph, drove 1 1/2 miles in all.
The Zamboni operators, both temporary city employees whose names and ages were not released by Parks and Recreation Department, had to negotiate at least one intersection with a traffic light on their late-night creep from Idaho Ice World.
“They were fired immediately,” said Parks Department Director Jim Hall.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Will Men Take the Pill?
Nov 26th
Drudge has a story up talking about a new birth control pill for men. The newest one can be taken a few hours before intercourse and the man will somehow not get the woman pregnant. I guess he will temporarily shoot blanks for a few hours. Afterwards, potency returns to normal.
From the Daily Mail here:
British scientists have developed a revolutionary pill that men could take as a one-off contraceptive just before a date.
The tablet would prevent a man from being able to impregnate a woman, but within a few hours his fertility would return to normal.
This would make it much more acceptable to men than other ‘male pills’ under development, which alter hormone levels and have to be taken over the long term.
The hormone-free ‘male pill’ was inspired by two medicines already in use and so the scientists hope it could be on the market within as little as five years.
Critics argue, that men lack women’s motivation to prevent pregnancy, making it hard for women to trust them to take a contraceptive pill.
Being a man, I am somewhat an expert on what men think. We “real men” will not take any medication that will alter our hormone levels or make us impotent, even temporarily. Any man who hails such a drug as a miracle breakthrough is kinda girly, and you ladies would be better off if they didnt breed anyways.
If you ladies want us to take those pills, you will have to slip it into our beer when we aren’t looking. Or, if the scientists team up with Viagra to create a party pill, we may consider it. Now, if they create a pill that changes your blood type after the date, men will buy that.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Japanese Sub Collides With Ship
Nov 21st
Wintesses report that the sub was taking up two lanes in the ocean, going too slowly, and may have had its blinker on for several nautical miles. The sub Asashio now has a dent on its dorsal hull.
From the AP here:
A Japanese submarine collided with a civilian cargo ship during exercises in waters off southern Japan Tuesday, defense officials said. There were no immediate reports of any injuries.
No injuries were reported among the 75 crew members of the submarine Asashio. But the spokesman said officials found a dent in the top part of the sub, the apparent result of striking the hull of the ship while surfacing.
Do they fire you for wrecking a sub? I think so.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Gross Baby Stories
Nov 20th
Two stories here, back to back from NBC4, my local TV news station. First up is the lady that had her baby in the car on the beltway. When I first read the headline, I figured, “No wonder, with the traffic around here.” But no, this was at 2 AM and the lady was trying to get… somewhere.
BETHESDA, Md. — A woman gave birth to a baby boy early Monday morning on the Capital Beltway in Maryland.
Montgomery County Fire and Rescue Services officials said the event happened just before 2 a.m. Units were dispatched for a report of a woman in labor just before River Road on the Beltway’s inner loop. But the baby apparently couldn’t wait and units arrived after the woman gave birth.
Officials said the woman and her newborn son are both listed in good condition at a local hospital.
Anyone want a used car? I’m betting you don’t see afterbirth listed on a Carmax Used Vehicle report. Next up is a story about how a bunch of nursing women are really angry with Delta for kicking a nursing woman off of an airplane.
Now there are calls for a “nurse-in.”
BURLINGTON, Vt. — A Vermont woman is organizing a national “nurse-in” to protest an airline’s treatment of a breast-feeding passenger.
The nursing mother was removed from a Freedom Airlines plane last month at Vermont’s Burlington International Airport after refusing a flight attendant’s request to cover her baby with a blanket while nursing.
Gillette said the flight she was on was delayed for three hours, but appeared to be preparing for takeoff on Oct. 13 from Burlington International Airport when she decided to breast-feed her child. She said she was being discreet and no part of her breast was showing. She and her husband said that a Freedom Airlines flight attendant told Gillette that she was offended, and then she and her husband were asked to leave the plane.
A similar protest, in which mothers sat on the floor near the Delta Airlines counter, breast-fed their babies and held signs, took place at the Burlington International Airport last week.
Who wants to be around a bunch of angry nursing women? If I worked for the airlines, I would call in sick that day. Or maybe I would be there on hand with a jar of nipple cream and a shammy.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Men Have a Compass in Their Head
Nov 17th
Supposedly there is a deposit of magnetite that collects in the bone in the skull of humans to assist in the instinct of orientation and direction finding.
According to this article in the Register.
Do humans have a compass in their nose?
Some years ago scientists at CALTECH discovered that humans possess a tiny, shiny crystal of magnetite in the ethmoid bone, located between your eyes, just behind the nose.
Magnetite is a magnetic mineral also possessed by homing pigeons, migratory salmon, dolphins, honeybees, and bats.
It seems that magnetite helps direction finding in animals and helps migratory species migrate successfully by allowing them to draw upon the earth’s magnetic fields. But scientists are not sure how they do this.
In any case, when it comes to humans experts have even suggested that this “compass” was helpful in human evolution as it made migration and hunting easier and magnetite makes the ethmoid bone sensitive to the earth’s magnetic field and helps your sense of direction.
Im fairly certain that men are more attuned to this inbuilt compass than women are. Or at least, we men like to believe that we are more attuned to it. I know a lot of women that have difficulty navigating by map, much less by sunlight, compass or instinct.
In women, I think there is a crystal in the head that engages the motor skills of the tongue and jaws whenever a man tries to hone in on his own internal compass. This innate instinct usually manifests itself in a series of nagging questions and statements, such as:
- Are you sure you know where we are going?
- You are going to get us lost.
- You have no idea where we are do you?
- None of this looks familiar to me.
- That strange homeless fellow over there looks nice. Ask him how to get back to the interstate.
- Are we going on safari? Where are you taking us?
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Stupid Criminals on Parade
Nov 15th
First up is a knucklehead that got pissed off over a speaker deal gone bad. He attempted to kidnap someone but ended up shot. Twice. By his own gun. One of which was in his left testicle. Blew it clear off.
From the AP here:
A botched kidnapping ended with one of the assailants shooting himself in the groin, Wichita police said. The man had just stuck the gun back into his waistband when it fired, shooting him in the left testicle.He cringed, causing the gun to fire again and strike him in the left calf.
When the shooting ended, the 23-year-old man managed to walk himself into the hospital for treatment, police said.
The men were attempting to kidnap a teen in a dispute over stereo speakers, police said.
And this very popular video going around on YouTube of a very stupid and sloppy criminal trying to break into a liquor store. He takes some very dangerous falls and winds up getting dragged downtown by the cops. click the pic to see the video.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Chief Moose is Now Hawaii 5-0
Nov 10th
I was wondering what happened to this chucklehead. Chief Charles Moose was the dolt who botched the sniper investigation in 2002 by chasing after white vans instead of the Chevy Caprice that Boyd and Malvo were using. I guess Moose took his profits from his book deal and got as far away from Maryland as he could while still maintaining his US citizenship. He must have run out of money so he joined the Honolulu police academy. He is now a common flatfoot at the ripe old age of 53.
From NBC4 here:
Charles Moose, the former Maryland police chief who headed the 2002 Washington-area sniper manhunt, graduated last night as one of 40 new Honolulu police recruits.
Moose will hit Oahu streets for patrol duty at 6 a.m. Monday along with a Honolulu Police Department veteran. The 53-year-old said it’s been a long time since he worked the street, but it’s exactly what he wants to do over the next several years.
Moose resigned as Montgomery County police chief in 2003 amid criticism from county ethics officials. They alleged he was cashing in on his job by writing a book about the serial sniper case that made him a national celebrity.
According to some reports, Boyd and Malvo were stopped several times at road blocks. But it was Chief Moose that refused to include the Caprice, that several witnesses saw, as one of the vehicles to look for. I remember that horrible time around my house when you had to hide behind your car door to pump gas hoping that a sniper couldn’t see you.
I wonder if Dog the Bounty Hunter and Chief Moose will team up and do a reality show together? The Dog and Moose show would be quite a hit. They could drive around in a white van together.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Animal Crime: Drunken Elk Terror
Nov 10th
Elk and cattle will get drunk if they eat apples that are a little over-ripened. And what do drunken elk do? They attack Swedish schoolkids and the elderly!
From Reuters here:
A drunken elk is terrorising children at a school in southern Sweden.
“That could be the problem. We could be dealing with a boozy elk,” Jan Caiman, a police officer in Molndal, told the national news agency TT. The elk was probably eating fermented apples in a garden and had become inebriated, Caiman said.
Elk can weigh as much as 500 kilos (1,100 lb) and personnel at the school described the erratic male as “completely mad”.
Caiman said police had contacted hunters and that if the elk did not calm down, it could be shot.
And from the Guardian here:
A drunken party of elks surrounded an old people’s home in Sweden and had to be driven away by armed police, Sweden’s media reported yesterday.
The elks attacked the home in the town of stra G inge, near Malm , after devouring large numbers of fermented apples, the paper Dagens Nyheter said. Police with dogs had failed to scare them off, and the animals only ran away after hunters with guns arrived on the scene.
Don’t they have hunters in Sweden? This sounds like a scene from Over the Hedge. I could hear the elk now yelling at the Old Folk’s Home, “C’mon out ya sissies! Hic! I can take on the lot o’ yous! Hic! With one fuzzy antler tied behind my rump!”
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Robot Chicken’s Calvin and Hobbes
Nov 8th
You know, the funny papers haven’t been the same since Bill Watterson quit doing the Calvin and Hobbes strips. It was bad enough when Gary Larsen quit, and when Calvin left the papers, I stopped reading it altogether.
This is a great take on one aspect of Calvin and Hobbes that I always thought needed to be explored more completely, which is Calvin’s apparent psychosis and hallucinations which manifested itself as the stuffed tiger and best friend of Hobbes. Click on the pic to see the video.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...K-Fed Fired From Husband Duties
Nov 8th
So Britney is kicking K-Fed to the curb. Cool. And by the way, Kevin, you are white. From Fresno. You are not a rapper, you douche. Yeah, Marshall Mathers can rap as a white boy, but he is from Detroit. In Detroit, you don’t have spelling bees, you have rap competitions.
This is a great news article, revealing Britney’s rage-out at Kevin, calling him a useless nobody. She later has the divorce papers drawn up and then sends him a text message to his Blackberry telling him he’s cooked.
No word on whether or not Britney’s pregnant again.
From ThisisLondon:
Britney Spears told husband of two years Kevin Federline that she was divorcing him via a text message while he was recording a TV interview.
The 24-year-old singer decided it was all over on Monday after a very tempestuous marriage and sent a message to Kevin’s BlackBerry telling him exactly that.
The wannabe rapper, 27, was filming a segment for MuchMusic in Canada at the time. He interrupted the interview and stormed off, returning 30 minutes later visibly upset.
Just last week the pop princess had a furious Halloween bust-up with K-Fed, and she was overheard screaming: “You’re useless – you’re nobody,” at him at the nightclub launch of his own rap album.
Federline, her former backing dancer, was later seen crouched in a corner crying. He then spent last weekend in New York plugging his debut album, before heading to Canada on Monday.
The couple, who married in September 2004 after dating for three months, had arranged to meet in New York but Kevin checked into a separate hotel, leaving Britney with their two sons, Sean Preston, one, and two-month-old Jayden James.
She was later seen in tears as she exchanged angry words with her husband on her mobile phone. He is believed to have stood her up, preferring to hit the town with five friends instead.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...First Ultrasound
Nov 7th
Went to the Doc’s today to figure out just how far along we are. We were guessing about 8 weeks. Turns out its seven weeks and a day. That puts the Due Date at June 26, 2007.
Its hard to believe that this tiny mass of cells (the Doc said it was about the size of a grain of rice) is what is making my wife so tired and nauseous. And cranky too. I laughed out loud when she pulled out her little paper calendar of the “flavors of the day” at the local Frozen Custard store. She declared, “Dammit, I can’t believe that I missed Caramel Cashew day! They won’t have that back until next month!”
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...UnAirable MythBusters Segments
Nov 6th
Got this from Digg. I am a huge MythBusters fan, and was pleased to see this on YouTube. It is Adam and Jamie speaking at MIT, and showing a ten minute video of two MythBusters segments that the Discovery Channel refused to air.
The myths are, “Do girls fart?” And, “Can you ignite your farts?”
Hilarious, and a must see. Click the photo above or here for the video.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Kerry: I Botched the Joke
Nov 1st
Kerry tried to give a half-hearted back-handed excuse for his horrible remark that defamed the troops in Iraq when he said that they were too stupid to avoid military service. He said it was a “botched joke.”
The troops in the field have responded. This was not a botched joke. You see, even when it comes to humor, the servicemen outdo the former Democratic Presidential contender. Thanks again to HotAir.
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