I can't believe that came from your mouth!
Humor
It makes me laugh
AP Twitter Account Hacked; Taiwanese Animators Show Obama Knocked Out By Michelle’s Fart
Apr 24th
This is so hilarious on so many levels. Those Taiwanese animators skewer everyone in this one.
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Loading ...Those Coachella Hipsters Are Stupid
Apr 23rd
Jimmy Kimmel punks the concert-goers at this year’s Coachella Festival by making up fake band names. In an effort to be “in the know” these young stupid hipsters lie their asses off about how much they are into these fake bands.
(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Third World Games
Apr 22nd
Judging by what looks like sacks of grain in the background, maybe this is the Hunger Games. Anyways, this is how four young kids in Latin America play a rousing game with just their hands and an empty two-liter bottle.
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Colorado Outlaws Guns But Legalizes Pot for the Lulz
Apr 21st
In a state that just passed restrictive gun laws but extremely liberalized marijuana use, you can’t help but laugh at hippies getting gunned down at the first ever 4-20 “holiday.”
From Rare here:
Authorities are hunting for suspects after shooting broke out during a massive marijuana celebration in Denver, leaving two people with gunshot wounds.
The gunfire scattered thousands attending Saturday’s 4/20 counterculture holiday, the first since Colorado legalized marijuana.
Witnesses described a scene in which a jovial atmosphere quickly turned to one of panic at the downtown Civic Center Park just before 5 p.m. Several thought firecrackers were being set off, then a man fell bleeding, his dog also shot.
The annual pot celebration this year was expected to draw as many as 80,000 people.
Police said: “Our message to the public is that, if you see something, say something.”
Stephanie Riedel, who traveled to the pot celebration from Pittsburgh, said she was dancing with a hula hoop when she heard pops.
“I couldn’t make sense of what it was at first,” she said. “We were all having a good time and I was in the mindframe of, we’re here at a peace gathering. I thought it some guys playing.”
I think its absolutely lulzy that a bunch of dope smoking hippies got gunned at during a pot-fest after their liberal state legalized pot use and damn-near outlawed guns. And of course the writers quoted a dreddie-haired hippie with a hula hoop to proclaim that the pot fest was about peace! And what about the “See something say something” proclamation by cops? I’m certain all of their tips were about “double rainbows brah!” or about rogue unicorns. Asking a stoned crowd to be on the lookout for criminals is the epitome of failure.
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Mummified Jersey Hoarder Found Among Cat Feces
Apr 18th
A New Jersey Hoarder decider to take it all with her. She lived the hoarder’s dream, surrounded by rubbish, cat shit, and refusing help from loved ones and what few friends she had left. Then she got buried alive, and like the Egyptians of yore, she mummified herself surrounded by all of her “precious!”
From CBS here:
North Jersey Hoarder Found Partially Mummified Among Trash, Animal Feces
It took two months for the remains of a suspected hoarder to be found under all the garbage in her northern New Jersey home.
Police in New Milford described 68-year-old Alice Klee’s apartment as a sad situation, with cat urine, feces, garbage and other items piled wall to wall.
Neighbors said they hadn’t seen her since early February. Authorities went to her home and never found her, leading to a missing persons report.
It wasn’t until Klee’s landlord began cleaning out her unit that her partially mummified body was discovered under her own garbage and clothes.
My cousin is a West Virginia cop and he has told me stories about how cats will eat the corpses of their dead owners when they stop getting fed. But this hoarder was buried and protected by her own filth, so the cats probably just started eating each other.
(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Think You Have Trouble Remembering Passwords?
Apr 17th
This is the access code from hell. But I’d bet that there are more than a few nerds out there with this as their password:
(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Cross-Eyed Attention Whore Snorts a Condom
Apr 17th
This video will be awesome on Amber Strong’s next job interview. This little girl refuses to put away laundry and also snorts condoms, only to pull it out of her mouth. Its like latex floss for your sinuses.
The video posted last week, has 2 million views and has more dislikes than likes. She doesn’t look like freakshow material, but that might be her only future avenue of income if any potential employers see this.
(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Blame it On My Mucous Trail BABY!
Apr 15th
Rat-sized, disease-spreading, stucco-chewing giant land snails have invaded Florida. For occasions such as this, I have to repost this awesome song:
From FoxNews here:
South Florida residents are being warned to be on the lookout for one of the world’s most destructive invasive species: the giant African land snail, which can grow as big as a rat.
The huge mollusks were first spotted in Florida in 2011, and their numbers are growing. More than 1,000 are being caught each week in Miami-Dade County and more will continue to emerge from hibernation in the coming weeks.
The snails can gnaw through stucco and plastic, and attack “over 500 known species of plants … pretty much anything that’s in their path and green,” said Denise Feiber, a spokeswoman for the Florida Department of Agriculture and Consumer Services.
In some Caribbean countries, such as Barbados, which are overrun with the creatures, the snails’ shells blow out tires on the highway and turn into hurling projectiles from lawnmower blades, while their slime and excrement coat walls and pavement.
“It becomes a slick mess,” Feiber said
A typical snail can produce about 1,200 eggs a year and the creatures are a particular pest in homes because of their fondness for stucco, devoured for the calcium content they need for their shells.
The snails also carry a parasitic rat lungworm that can cause illness in humans, including a form of meningitis
Snails are hermaphrodites. They have both sex organs, but they do require a mate to procreate. I think you can still trap them with pools of beer, but I don’t know about wasting a 40 of Old English 800 for giant snails- maybe some PBR- which come to think of it, also traps annoying Hipsters. I wonder if Hipsters shrivel when you throw salt on them?
(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...KMart Suggests You Ship Your Pants
Apr 13th
Having shopped at KMart, the best thing to do is ship everything. Lord knows that the uneducated, minimum wage parole violators working the registers aren’t going to help you get your purchases home any quicker.
You know, KMart used to be a decent bigbox store back in the early 80′s. Then came Wal-Mart which dominated the market and put slacker stores like KMart on the ropes, forcing them to have to merge with another struggling giant, Sears. Now both of these stores are being dragged down the tubes. It will take more than a viral video marketing gimmick like this to get people to shop at KMart.
(1 votes, average: 6.00 out of 6) Loading ...
Fat Black Pothead Sticks Up Bank With Spaghetti Sauce
Apr 12th
Meet Ophelia Neal. She is fat, has a history of criminal activity including marijuana charges, and used food stamps to purchase two cans of spaghetti sauce that she hid in her bag to claim they were bombs to hold up a bank in Michigan. Oh, and she is 430 pounds, so her get-away was more like a waddle-away.
From FoxNews here:
Police have identified a 430-pound woman they say pretended two cans of spaghetti sauce were a bomb when she robbed a southeast Michigan bank. 53-year-old Ophelia A. Neal faces bank robbery and explosives charges in Saturday’s robbery at a Fifth Third Bank branch in Macomb County’s Clinton Township.
Police are hunting for the parole absconder. Neal is black, 5-foot-7 and has partially gray hair.
The state says she has fraud, assault and marijuana convictions.Police say the robber told bank employees she had a bomb in her cloth bag and demanded money. They say she took an undisclosed amount of money and escaped in a car with a man at the wheel.
For you single ladies out there, even this fat waste of humanity can get a man! Not sure how well the explosives charges will stick given that it was just tomatoes and a can. Another news source said they had to call in a bomb squad to defuse the spaghetti sauce.
(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Watch Out for Beavers!
Apr 11th
Some poor idiot in Belarus managed to get himself killed by a small forest mammal with a paddle for a tail. An aggressive beaver bit a man to death.
From Sky here:
A fisherman has been bitten to death by a beaver after trying to take its photograph.
The man was on a fishing trip at Lake Shestakov in Belarus with two friends when they spotted the animal on the side of the road.
He stopped so that he could take a picture but as he approached the beaver it pounced on him, biting him in the thigh.
His friends attempted to stem the flow of blood from the wound but the animal’s bite had severed a main artery and the man bled to death.
Beaver attacks are rare and according to experts those animals that do go for humans are usually rabid.
Remember when men would hunt beavers for their pelts? Somewhere in Belarus, a beaver is wearing some dude’s ass for a hat.
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Idiot Man Buys Roid-Raging Rats
Apr 8th
An idiot Argentinian was duped into buying two white ferrets who were pumped full of steroids, believing they were toy poodles. Reminds me of a dupe named Jack who exchanged his family cow for some “magic beans.”
From DailyMail here:
Gullible bargain hunters at Argentina’s largest bazaar are forking out hundreds of dollars for what they think are gorgeous toy poodles, only to discover that their cute pooch is in fact a ferret pumped up on steroids.
One retired man from Catamarca, duped by the knock-down price for a pedigree dog, became suspicious he had bought what Argentinians call a ‘Brazilian rat’ and when he returned home took the ‘dogs’ to a vet for their vaccinations.
Imagine his surprise when his suspicious were confirmed – he had in fact purchased two ferrets that had been given steroids at birth to increase their size and then had some extra grooming to make their coats resemble a fluffy toy poodle.
Ferrets are bat-shiat crazy enough already. Imagine one that can bench-press a Fiat!
(1 votes, average: 6.00 out of 6) Loading ...Snipes is Out of Jail in time for Tax Day
Apr 6th
Wesley Snipes hasn’t paid his fair share in a long time and went to jail for it. Now he’s finally free. Just in time, according to Arsenio Hall, for tax day!
@arseniohall Blade is back, Day Walker, all their strengths and none of their weaknesses, Wishful thinking.
— Kevin Eubanks (@Kevin_Eubanks) April 6, 2013
From CNN here:
Actor Wesley Snipes has been released from a federal prison where he was serving a three-year sentence after being convicted on tax charges in February 2010.
The release to a supervised residential location in New York occurred Tuesday, the Federal Bureau of Prisons told CNN.
Snipes, 50, who starred in the “Blade” action movies and “White Men Can’t Jump,” had been serving time at a federal prison in Pennsylvania. A jury convicted him of willfully failing to file tax returns for 1999, 2000 and 2001. Snipes was acquitted of felony tax fraud and conspiracy charges.
In June 2011, the U.S. Supreme Court refused to hear an appeal of his sentence, which he had argued was too harsh for a misdemeanor conviction.
Maybe Snipes can go to TurboTax and start paying his taxes on his residuals from his long string of awful movies. You can read his whole saga at this link here. So what do you think his next movie will be? A jail break movie? Movie about an IRS insider? Maybe a movie called “Black Men Can’t File 1040EZ?”
(1 votes, average: 6.00 out of 6) Loading ...Drive That Ex of Yours Crazy on Facebook
Apr 5th
I think the subtleties in this how-to video are awesome.
(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Fat Chicks Wear Downsy Dolphin Colors
Apr 4th
Target shoppers became outraged when a Twitter user noticed that the plus sized dresses was labeled “Manatee Grey” when the standard size was Heather Grey. Why Target would name a color after a downsy dolphin is anyone’s guess.
What the. Plus sized women get “Manatee Grey” while standard sizes are “Dark Heather Grey.” @target #notbuyingit twitter.com/suZen/status/3…
— Susan Clemens (@suZen) April 3, 2013
I have heard that Hillary Clinton often wears pantsuits in Rhino Red and Kodiak Brown.
(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...There are No Signs in Front of That Pineapple Under the Sea
Apr 4th
Spongebob and Patrick re-enact a scene from pulp fiction. Spongebob says “Nigger” a lot, but its okay since it is really the voice of noted Hollywood actor Quentin Tarantino who also made the move Django Unchained.
Oh, and its been a long time since I used this animated gif:
(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Awesome Calvin and Hobbes Horror Movie Trailer
Apr 4th
I’ve been a huge fan of Calvin and Hobbes for years. I even read my boy the Calvin and Hobbes books for bedtime. In fact, my own kid mirrors Calvin quite a bit- he hates his bicycle because he thinks it attacks him, he carries a giant stuffed dog called Brownie everywhere with him, even on vacation, and he constantly runs around the house engrossed in his own imaginary battles with giant robots. This video explores the idea that Calvin never quite got his imagination under control.
(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Michael Jackson’s Doctor Was Batshiat Crazy Too
Apr 3rd
In a really bizarre video, Michael Jackson’s doctor, Conrad Murray, who is in jail for putting the King of Pop down like a sick cat, crooned a children’s song to a bewildered Anderson Cooper. This after saying that Jackson’s surviving family are “bottom dwellers.”
From the DailyMail here:
Michael Jackson’s personal physician branded the star’s family ‘bottom dwellers’ and said he was a made a scapegoat for his death in a bizarre prison cell interview in which he burst into song.
Dr Conrad Murray’s unexpected rendition of Nat King Cole’s The Little Boy That Santa Claus Forgot came as Michael Jackson’s mother and children begin a legal battle for a staggering £26.5billion in a case that could shed new light on his death.
I love the look on Cooper’s face. He looks like a dog hearing a whistle.
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Graffiti Artist Completes Best Work Yet
Apr 1st
In Sacramento, CA a man lowered himself on a rope from the top of a 18 story building in an attempt to tag the building with graffiti. His rope somehow strangled him in what is sure to be this year’s winning Darwin Awards-winning moments.
From KSBW here:
A man died accidentally from asphyxiation when he lowered himself off an 18-story office building in downtown Sacramento with a rope and his body was found hanging Monday morning.
The man was a graffiti tagger who created a harness and lowered himself down the east side of the high-rise to graffiti the building. Investigators found a can of spray paint and a tool for etching glass on the part of a balcony where the ropes were anchored.
It’s unclear how long the body had been hanging four floors from the top of the nearly 240-feet building. Investigators are reviewing building security cameras to determine how he got in.
“From everything we can tell, he didn’t have any (professional) special rope rappelling equipment on, climbing equipment or anything like that,” Sacramento Fire Department Battalion Chief Marc Bentovoja said. “He appeared to be looped into the rope.”
I can’t wait to find out the name of this assclown. All of his friends will get livid when I call out his dumbassery and will claim that he died “doing what he loved” and try to explain how he was such a good person.
UPDATE!!
The man who helpfully ended his own life while defacing private property was a 30-year-old loser named Craig Fugate of Vancouver, Washington. Not sure at this point why he was in Sacramento, but at least his life of crime is at an end. I’m thankful no one was injured trying to cut his bloated carcass down.
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