I can't believe that came from your mouth!
Humor
It makes me laugh
Meg Ryan and John Cougar? Zombie Apocalypse is Here!
Jan 9th
I was in the checkout line at my Grocery Store today and was alerted to the important fact that John cougar is both still alive and currently sticking it to Meg Ryan, who used to be America’s Sweetheart.
Meg was to busy making crappy movies to have a baby on her own so she snagged a Chinese baby with a net on loan to her by Bradgelina.
When I saw that photo I got out of line, and at first pitied the town who lost their drive in movie screen when John’s fivehead (its a forehead when it can fit under a hat) left town, and then stocked up on Twinkies, out of fear that when the obvious Zombie Apocalypse arrives, there will not be enough spongecake to attract a sharpshooter like Tallahassee.
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Minion Says What?
Jan 7th
My kid is watching despicable me over and over again and this is a scene that causes me to howl in laughter every time I see it.
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Elizabeth Edwards’ Corpse Finally Cools. John Announces Engagement
Jan 7th
The model democrat John Edwards waited until his wife’s corpse cooled to room temperature and has rushed into the Valentines Day season early with his romantic announcement that he and Rielle Hunter, the skanky mother of John’s love child can be married.
Ain’t love grand? And Rielle Hunter is insisting that John’s remaining kids call her Mom. The lulz here from Politico:
Former presidential candidate John Edwards is engaged to longtime mistress Rielle Hunter, according to a report.
The Jan. 17 issue of the National Enquirers says that the ex-North Carolina senator asked the mother of his lovechild to marry him only three weeks after burying his wife, Elizabeth, who died from cancer. The couple is said to be tying the knot some time this summer.
“Heartless cheater defies Elizabeth’s dying wish,” screams a line on the supermarket tab’s cover. Below that: “Rielle tells his two young kids: ‘CALL ME MOMMY!”
“I do know that I love him and that love is till death do us part, and probably beyond,” Hunter recently told GQ magazine. “We have a child together, so at the very least we will be co-parents together.”
Beyond?? A liberal husband stealer believes in life after death and seriously thinks she would both go to heaven and get dibs on John over Elizabeth? Presuming of course that John avoids hell somehow, which according to the odds in Vegas, his soul is firmly in the win column for Old Scratch.
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Angry Birds for the BlackBerry
Jan 6th
My brother posted a facebook reference the other day about all the birds dying by the thousands that people need to understand that “the pigs took the eggs and its a tower level.” Those that have blackberries didn’t understand the reference at all. Well perhaps they will understand it now that this new screenshot has been released for the Angry Birds game on Blackberry:
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Taxes are Third Most Painful Substance to Witches
Jan 5th
Right behind Fire and Water. In Romania, the government is cracking down on deadbeats who have jobs but don’t pay taxes. Like astrologers and witches. And boy are the witches pissed.
From the AP here:
Angry witches are using cat excrement and dead dogs to cast spells on the president and government who are forcing them to pay taxes. Also in the eye of the taxman are fortune tellers, who should have seen it coming.
Witches from Romania’s eastern and western regions will descend to the southern plains and the Danube River Thursday to threaten the government with spells and spirits.
A dozen witches will head to the Danube to put a hex on the government and hurl mandrake into the river “so evil will befall them,” said a witch named Alisia. She identified herself with one name, as is customary among witches.
The tax on witches went into effect Saturday as part of the government’s drive to crack down on tax evasion in a country that is in recession. Like any self-employed person, they will pay 16 percent income tax and make contributions to health and pension programs.
And it’s not only witches: Astrologers, embalmers, valets and driving instructors are now considered by law to be working real jobs, making it harder for them to avoid income tax.
Queen witch Bratara Buzea, 63, who was imprisoned in 1977 for witchcraft under Ceausescu’s repressive communist regime, is furious about the new law. Sitting cross-legged in her villa in the lake resort of Mogosoaia, just north of Bucharest, she said Wednesday she planned to cast a spell using a particularly effective concoction of cat excrement, a dead dog and a chorus of witches.
‘My curses always work!” she cackled in a smoky voice. She sat next to her wood-burning stove, surrounded by potions, charms, holy water and ceramic pots
Lets just burn the queen witch and throw buckets of water on the rest. Cat shit and dead dogs? How is this stupid woman any different than a hoarder?
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Crazy Superhero Wannabe and His SuperSuit
Jan 4th
This Seattle Man’s Toyota Sienna Minivan is safe thanks to the help of this guy.
Click the image above to go the the news site and watch the video. From KIRO here:
“My name is Phoenix Jones,” said the man.
The man is the hero Dan’s been trying to tell his friends about.
“People are saying, ‘No way, dude, you were probably drunk,’” said Dan.
But the superhero sounded familiar to Ming Laven. She had heard about how he and the other eight members of his Rain City Superhero crime fighting movement walk the street, eyes out for crime and prepared to fight it.
On Monday night, the fully-clad superhero and Dan met.
“That’s crazy. Nice to meet you, brother. Nice to meet you. That’s insane,” said Dan, who finally got a close-up look at his savior.
“Phoenix” explained his whole super suit, including bullet-proof vest and stab plates, to Dan.
“That’s a Taser night stick. And I have Mace slash tear gas over here,” said Phoenix.
Then it was time for Phoenix to get back out on the streets, maybe not quite a super man, but an extraordinary one.
That secret lair? Its full of manga and a bunch of sticky tissues.
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Nintendo Games of the 80′s: History in 8-Bit
Jan 4th
Saw this over at CollegeHumor. Its funny and historical. Enjoy.
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How Does She Really Feel?
Jan 3rd
Get this crazy tweeny-bitch some bactine because Bieber-mania mixed with staphylococcus is a bad thing.
And look at her toybox still full of playtime sunglasses and crayons. She must be 11 or 12. That special time in a girl’s life between sugar and spice and full-on psycho teenager. She’ll have some ‘splainin’ to do to her future ex-husband-to-be. If only Sierra Tickner hadn’t burned out like a brilliant candle so soon she could tell her that cutting is bad, mkay?
Thanks to IAMBored.
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Weird Al Writes a Children’s Book
Jan 3rd
Its called “When I Grow Up.” With his zany imagination, I wonder what took him so long? Also, why hasn’t he done any voice work in cartoons or animated features?
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R Lee Ermy Takes on Obama
Dec 30th
Oorah! R Lee Ermy makes an appearance for a Toys for Tots drive and expresses his awesome opinion on the Obama administration. Skip to 1:40 to see his comments.
Money line:
“They’re driving us into bankruptcy so they can impose socialism on us. That’s exactly what they’re doing, and I’m sick and damn tired of it and I know you are too.”
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Holiday Proposals
Dec 29th
I suppose there were quite a few women out there who have been shacking up with guys for nigh on 5 years, keeping their fingers crossed that their significant other would finally drop the S.O. initials and adopt the ‘Fiancé’ title instead.
And then there is this guy who scores much higher in my book. He gives the gift that keeps on giving the Lulz all year long:
Only thing that would make it funnier if it was a gay couple playing this prank on each other. Thanks to IAmBored.com.
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This Snowy Stuff is Tough on Idiots
Dec 28th
Lulzy news from the Onion about this wonderful global warming afflicting the nation:
Snowy Conditions Proving Hazardous For Nation’s Idiots
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Governor Paterson Helps Tow Stranded FrontLoader
Dec 28th
Governor Paterson helps out in New York City by towing a stranded front loader. Sure he scrapes up a Ford Explorer pretty badly, but its hard to drive a tow truck correctly when you are as googley-eyed as he is.
Yeah, I know, you are saying, “Pat, the man is blind, how can you make fun of him like that?” To which I say, its easy, and its not like he’s going to be able to read this now is he?
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Cartney Versus Ironman
Dec 26th
Cartney received an IronMan action figure that shoots missiles and walks. IronMan and Cartney had a showdown in the kitchen this evening. IronMan shoots first, but I don’t think he’s got much of a chance against the boy.
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6.66 Million Hits for the Digital Nativity
Dec 25th
Almost 7 Million people have already seen this awesome modern version of the birth of Christ. It is fantastic and sums up so much of what I do every day on the Internet too. Well, except for the farmville stuff.
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FourSquare Fail Girl’s Name
Dec 22nd
When Foursquare goes offline or is overburdened, they post an apologetic page saying they are having troubles. Similar to Twitter’s Fail Whale is this dour looking detrhroned mayor. But what is her name?
I’ve seen a couple of good ones to call her-
- The Grr Girl
- The Pouty Princess
- Failsquare Fran
- The Mopey Mayor
- Mayor of Failville
- Mayor of Misery
- Mayor of DateRape
- Princess Diana
For you Foursquare Fans, what would you call her?
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Prancer Didn’t Make It
Dec 20th
There is a county park in Britain that is full of deer. For years parents have been bringing their kids to the park to see Santa’s Reindeer, where they live prior to their pickup on the big night of Christmas Eve. Lots of kids were traumatized when they saw icy corpses of deer sticking up through the ice as many of them drowned trying to walk across the recently frozen lake.
From the DailyMail here:
Children who visited a country park in the hope of seeing Father Christmas’ reindeer were left horrified when they saw several animals that had fallen through thin ice and drowned.
Visitors to Whitworth Hall Country Park, in County Durham, were greeted by the gruesome sight after at least eight deer and stags died during the big freeze.
Hoof marks could still be seen on the ice leading to where the deer broke through into the freezing lake.
‘We came especially to see the deer because the kids think this is where Santa’s reindeer live during the year before he comes to collect them for Christmas Eve.
I thought the world was getting too warm according to all those leftists out there? You mean that cold weather kills animals? Oh. My. God.
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4 PM Music: Neil Young and Bruce Springstein – “Whip My Hair”
Dec 19th
Jimmy Fallon is back covering another of the Smiths- this time it’s Willow Smith’s Whip My Hair. And the Boss makes an appearance to lend his vocal talents too.
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Taiwanese Animators Present TSA Christmas!
Dec 14th
Our favorite Taiwanese animators are back with a snappy holiday spiritual in which they get to drink egg nog and grope your junk.
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