I can't believe that came from your mouth!
Bizarre
Wiccan Holistic Whore Crashes Funeral; Smacks Corpse With Wand
Mar 5th
This is Nicole Marie Loretta Leonard, a moronic wiccan who tried to apply her majicks to a corpse when she crashed a funeral. She danced around the coffin, opened the casket and smacked the deceased on the face with her medieval dildo (aka wand). She was arrested shortly thereafter, and her only explanation was that “it felt like the right thing to do.”
From WLTX.com here:
Tammy Fausel said that she and her family were shocked at what happened during her uncle’s funeral in Gray Court.
A Candler, N.C., woman danced in front of the service, waved a wand around the casket, opened the lid, laid her hands on the deceased’s head and struck the body with a wand. The woman took flowers from the top of the casket and threw them at the family before leaving in a burgundy Toyota.
Nicole Marie Loretta Leonard, 25, has been charged with disturbing a funeral and public disorderly conduct in Tuesday’s incident.
Fausel said she had never before seen the woman and had no idea why she would’ve been at funeral at Church of God on State 14.
A lieutenant intercepted a burgundy Toyota Corolla heading south on Interstate 385. When deputies asked the woman why she acted the way she did, the woman said “she felt that it was the right thing to do at the time,” according to the report. The woman told deputies she knew no one at the church.
Here is Nicole’s Holistic Healing page where she implies that she gives away free handjobs because she is not licensed to practice real massage therapy. Like all wiccans, Nicole is too fucktarded to follow the rules of a real religion and too impoverished to join a cult. After her trial for disrupting a funeral, maybe we will get lucky and they will burn the witch at the stake. Thanks to DreaminDemon for the links.
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(1 votes, average: 1.00 out of 6)
Loading ...Rare Raccoon Rape Results
Mar 4th
A vodka-fueled romp in the woods didn’t work out too well when Alexander Kirilov tried to rape a raccoon.
From the Sun here:
A FEISTY raccoon has bitten off a pervert’s PENIS as he was trying to rape the animal. Alexander Kirilov, 44, was on a drunken weekend with pals when he leapt on the terrified – but toothy – fur ball.
“When I saw the raccoon I thought I’d have some fun,” he told stunned casualty surgeons in Moscow.
Now Russian plastic surgeons are trying to restore his mangled manhood.
“He’s been told they can get things working again but they can’t sew back on what the raccoon bit off,” said a pal. “That’s gone forever so there isn’t going to be much for them to work with.”
Not to leave the reader with just one horror story of a mangled penis, the Sun helpfully writes about this man whose wife cut off his junk and fed it to the dogs.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Bolivian Witch Doctors Sacrifice Llamas
Feb 21st
I have written previously about the uneducated foolish people of Bolivia who cling to witchcraft as part of their “cultural heritage.” Last we saw them, they were making Llama-jerky from aborted fetuses of Llamas. Now they sacrifice llamas in spent mines in hopes that none of their foolish companions and coworkers who still work the mines die in their fruitless effort to find any remaining silver.
From Reuters here:
In a Bolivian Carnival tradition, dozens of howling-drunk miners cut the hearts from four trussed-up llamas in a dark mine tunnel lit by a bonfire, accompanied by the deafening blare of a brass band.
“It’s good luck,” proclaimed Quechua Indian witch doctor Jose Morales, holding up a beating llama heart while miners streaked blood on their faces to ward off hazards in the Itos mine above the central Bolivian town of Oruro. “All four hearts were beating when they came out; that means the year will go really well. It’s a very good sign,” miner Isaac Meneses said with relief. Sacrifices to appease “Uncle,” the capricious spirit who owns the silver, tin and zinc deposits in the Bolivian Andes are a key ingredient to Carnival celebrations this week.
Oruro was long ago abandoned by big mining companies but low-budget groups of laid-off miners still work the mostly depleted mines in the hills that rise above the parade route. They earn up to $300 a month, decent money in Bolivia, but the drilling and dynamite are dangerous and three miners have died in the Itos mine since 2001. That’s why they gather every year during Carnival to spill llama blood down the shafts.
“Sure I feel bad for the llama, but better he dies than us. If we don’t feed Uncle, he’ll eat us. We’re spilling the blood so we don’t have accidents,” said miner Jaime Robles, 51, a big wad of coca leaves stuffed in his cheek.
Risking your life in an abandoned silver mine? Complete idiots. Maybe their hero President Evo Morales would invest in some mining safety equipment? Or much more sensibly, close the mine and use science and geology to find an alternative resource to tap? Surely that would be a better plan than ritual sacrifice? And where is PETA on this?
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Extra Gravy on My Pizza Please
Feb 13th
This really belongs on the front page, but I am enjoying the fact that I’m blogging from the Red Carpet club at the airport and wanted to thank Sarah for the link to the website “This-is-why-youre-fat” that featured this intriguing delicacy.
Yes, that is delicious brown beef gravy dripping off that yummy slice of cheese pizza. MMmmmm. Gravy.
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(2 votes, average: 6.00 out of 6) Loading ...Eeek! Record Breaking Accident!
Feb 12th
Lee Redmond held the Guinness World Record for having the longest fingernails. She has been growing them for almost 30 years until she was in a 4-car pileup in Salt Lake city and she was ejected from the vehicle.
From the Salt Lake Trib here:
The Guinness World Record for longest fingernails was broken Wednesday, so to speak.
Salt Lake City resident Lee Redmond has been growing her nails since 1979 were broken off in a four-car pileup Wednesday in Holladay.
Redmond was a passenger in one of the cars in the 1:30 p.m. crash. She and at least two others were taken to a hospital with minor injuries. She was ejected from the vehicle.
Redmond’s nails were 33 inches long when The Tribune last interviewed her in 2007. She then was 66. In a 1995 article, she said she once turned down $10,000 to trim her nails on Japanese TV.
I guess it’s hard to buckle up or hang on when you can’t use your freakin’ hands. Well, perhaps she still has a world record for being the oldest world record holder to fly 30 feet when ejected from a vehicle and lose a previous world record at the same time. Is there a category for that?
One thing is for certain. Some tow truck drive in Salt Lake City is now a Guinness World Book record holder for picking up the grossest thing ever at a scene of a car accident.
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(3 votes, average: 5.33 out of 6) Loading ...Japanese Police Sketch Artists Take Shortcuts
Feb 4th
Instead of drawing stuff out free-handed based on eyewitness accounts, Japanese police sketch artists are taking the lazy way out. They just fire up the Nintendo Wii and make a Mii character. Check out the photo below for a suspect in a hit and run.
Thanks to the Reg for the story here:
Cops in the Kanagawa area of Japan have begun sticking up pictures of the Nintendo Mii in the hope that a Wii-obsessed gamer will recognise the drawing from, say, a recent game of Wii Sports. Register Hardware’s unsure if the Mii is actually taken from the gamer’s account – in which case they should be able to track the gamer down pretty easily – or if it’s just a mock-up of someone seen speeding away from the scene of the crime.
Either way, it simply goes to show how heavily the Wii has infiltrated our culture.
Just the other day I setup my own Mii character on my friend’s Wii in order to do some bowling.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Zombie Outbreak Warrants Public Notification
Jan 29th
My pal Robb sent this along. A zombie outbreak prompted a citizen to hijack a street information sign to warn others to held for colder climates. Notice how the media is willing to go along with the official government coverup and say how this was a prank? Don’t believe it.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Nigerian Cops Arrest Carjacking Goat
Jan 25th
Those Nigerian cops sure know how to do detective work. While chasing a couple of carjackers, one of the suspects transmogrified himself into a goat to avoid arrest. But such shapeshifting trickery won’t get past Nigeria’s finest law enforcement officers!
From the Vanguard here:
It was a shocking sight yesterday as men of the Kwara State Police Command paraded a goat as an armed robbery suspect.
The goat “suspect” is being detained over an attempt to snatch a Mazda car. The mysterious goat, according to the Police, is an armed robber who attempted to snatch the car Wednesday night, and later transformed into the goat in a bid to escape arrest.
Police explained that officers had chased two armed robbery suspects who wanted to carjack the Mazda, and while one of them escaped, the other was about to be apprehended by the team when he turned his back on the wall and turned into this goat. They quickly grabbed the goat and here it is.
The police spokesman said the goat “armed robbery suspect” will not be left off the hook until investigations into the case are concluded.
Mighty fine policework there, Lou. Now I understand why so many scammers are running around in Nigeria. They keep turning into goats to avoid arrest! All those Nigerian scam emails? Written by goats. Srsly.
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(1 votes, average: 6.00 out of 6) Loading ...Faceless Bear Mauling Victim Feels Sorry for the Bear
Jan 12th
Poor Allena Hansen. She is a typical animal loving moonbat, who, despite having her face ripped off by a bear, feels more sorry for the bear than for herself who now frightens the children at the local Safeway.
Click on the above photo to hear Allena’s horrifying tale of how a 150 lb black bear removed her face and spat out her broken teeth. Money quote:
I heard kind of a squishy, crunchy pop. I went, “There goes my eye.”
The rest of the story about how she feels bad for the bear comes from MSN here. Obviously, most news outlets cut this part of the interview from the newscasts because people are supposed to feel sorry for the mangled victim rather than wonder what the hell is wrong with her.
Wardens from the Department of Fish and Game intended to kill the animal but gave up when they couldn’t track down the exact bear. Allena said, “At the time I thought, ‘If this thing would attack me with my dogs nearby, how hard would it be to snag a kid on the way to school?’” she says. “So I’m weighing the thought of “Yeah, kill it; it’s a bully,” with the understanding that here is this poor, terrified, young adolescent bear, a refugee from all the forest fires we’ve had. It found a place with berries and a place to sleep—and then this woman comes. It was probably thinking, “I tried to warn her away, but she didn’t get it. Then she came into my private place and I had to bite her, and now they are chasing me.” That breaks my heart. Yes, I’m pissed off at the little refugee for not trusting me, but I can’t blame him.”
Thanks to my brother for telling me about this story over lunch.
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(1 votes, average: 6.00 out of 6) Loading ...Death Row Inmate Tells Guard, “Told You I was Hardcore.”
Jan 10th
Andre Thomas killed his ex-wife and his two very small children and for added pleasure, he ripped their hearts out and carried them home in his pocket. And then he got even more hardcore while in prison.
From the AP here by way of Drudge:
A Texas death row inmate with a history of mental problems pulled out his only good eye and ate it.
Andre Thomas, 25, stabbed his estranged wife, their young son and her 13-month-old daughter in March 2004. He also had been ripped out their hearts. He was convicted and condemned for the infant’s murder.
While in jail awaiting his murder trial, Thomas plucked out his right eye. A judge subsequently ruled he was competent to stand trial.
Awaiting execution, a death row guard found Thomas in his cell with blood on his face and took him to the infirmary. He had pulled out his other eye and ate it.
The Texas Court of Criminal Appeals in October upheld his conviction and death sentence for the death of 13-month-old Leyha Marie Hughes. Also murdered were his wife, Laura Christine Boren, 20, and their son, 4-year-old Andre Lee.
Thomas confessed that he put his victims’ hearts in his pocket and left their apartment, took them home, put them in a plastic bag and threw them in the trash.
Of course his lawyers are claiming that he is batshit crazy, and always has been, and should not be executed. I think they should give the blind bastard a sharp knife and let him just go ahead and off himself. One thing for sure now- his death? He’ll never see it coming.
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(1 votes, average: 6.00 out of 6) Loading ...Got That Fire Down Below
Jan 7th
I don’t know what’s funnier- a woman murdering her husband by setting his junk on fire or the fact that if you Google “firecrotch” you see this sign-
From the Metro here with thanks to Robb:
A woman has been charged with murder after allegedly setting her husband’s genitals on fire because she thought he was having an affair.
44-year-old Rajini Narayan set her husband on fire on December 8, 2008, after she saw him hug another woman.
She was initially charged with endangering life and arson but the charges were upgraded to murder after her 47-year-old husband, Satish Narayan, died from his injuries last week.
Narayan said: “I just wanted to burn his penis so it belongs to me and no one else … I didn’t mean this to happen.”
The husband jumped out of bed and knocked over the bottle of alcohol, causing the fire to spread and resulting in 1 million Australian dollars ($715 million) of damage to their town house and an adjacent property.
John Bobbit would not approve. And who knew that a million Aussie bucks were worth 715 million of ours?
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(1 votes, average: 6.00 out of 6) Loading ...Women, Take Care of Your Beaver
Jan 4th
Some women in Australia were complaining about this ad for Kotex U. Frankly, I don’t see what the bloody hell they are bitching about. Must have their panties in a twist or sand in their vaginas.
Aww, here is a video of a wet beaver. Boy those pads sure are absorbent!
And that Kotex website has some great advice. They say:
At U by Kotex®, we think it’s high time we all stopped being so damn shy about our vaginas. You don’t need to do a Paris or Britney, but being able to talk about it without going red is a good start. After all, we’ve all got one. In fact, we’ve only got one, so make sure you take good care of it with U by Kotex®.
Whether you call it Va-jayjay, Map of Tassie or even Hilary Muff, one thing’s for sure: we love naming them.
And of course, the website goes on to list names of the area down under for women who live down under.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Reason 262 to HomeSchool: The Ass Principal Won’t Walk Bowlegged to School With Blue Lips
Dec 30th
Maine East High School Ass. Principal Mike Pressler finished his school work Monday afternoon, locked his door to his office, fought traffic to get to the lakeshore outside of Chicago, and publicly engaged in oral and anal sex with a member of the Blue Man Group, because, sex on the beach with one of those freaky performers is just too good to pass up for a public educator.
Don’t let the Blue Man Group babysit!
From WBBM here:
A Blue Man Group actor and the assistant principal of Maine East High School were arrested at a park along the lakefront on the North Side and charged with public indecency Monday night.
Darren Stephens, 45, and Michael Pressler, 48, were arrested without incident about 5:45 p.m. in the 4500 block of North Simonds Drive, police said.
Pressler, who is the Asst. Principal at Maine East High School in northwest suburban Park Ridge, and Stephens, who is a performer with the Blue Man Group, were both charged with public indecency, a misdemeanor, after they were found engaged in a sex act on Chicago Park District property.
Is it ironic that the High School mascot is the Blue Demon? Hey, speaking of the Blue Man dudes laying pipe, here is an old video for the Intel chip:
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(1 votes, average: 6.00 out of 6) Loading ...Snowzilla Makes Anchorage Mayor Cranky
Dec 24th
Billy Powers has been building gigantic snowmen in his front yard for the past few years. But the neighbors and the city council wishes Billy would stop doing it. In fact, the mayor of Anchorage Alaska even issued Billy a cease and desist order. But despite the best efforts of local government and law enforcement, the giant snowman appeared there anyways. And Billy Powers claims its a Christmas miracle.
From the AP here:
A giant snowman named Snowzilla has mysteriously appeared again this year — despite the city’s cease-and-desist order.
Someone again built the giant snowman in Billy Powers’ front yard in an east Anchorage neighborhood. Snowzilla reappeared before dawn Tuesday.
Powers is not taking credit. When questioned Tuesday afternoon, he insisted Snowzilla just somehow happened, again.
For the last three years, Snowzilla — to the delight of some and the chagrin of others — has been a very large feature in Powers’ yard. In 2005, Snowzilla rose 16 feet. He had a corncob pipe and a carrot nose and two eyes made out of beer bottles.
This year, Snowzilla is estimated to be 25 feet tall. He’s wearing a black stovepipe hat and scarf.
City officials this year deemed Snowzilla a public nuisance and safety hazard. A cease-and-desist order was issued. The city tacked a public notice on Powers’ door.
City officials said the structure increased traffic to the point of endangerment and that the snowman itself was unsafe.
I think it looks like harmless fun and the town council should take a chill pill. If you want to help Billy fight the snow misers you can donate to his defense fund at Snowzilla.org.
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(1 votes, average: 6.00 out of 6) Loading ...Flame Broiled Meat: A New Scent for Men
Dec 18th
Burger King has a new body spray out to make men smell like flame-broiled crispy beef- a scent that may be more likely to attract overweight hungry construction workers rather than attractive women. But whatever, nothing beats an eye-searing image of BK’s “The King” lying on a fur rug in front of a fireplace with that “come hither” look on his over-sized plastic face.
From the AP here:
Burger King has launched a new men’s body spray called “Flame,” which it describes as “the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat.”
The fast food chain is marketing the product through a Web site featuring a photo of its King character reclining fireside and naked, except for an animal fur strategically placed to not offend.
If you want to buy this body spray, go to FireMeetsDesire.Com here. Let me know if you like it. This was cross-posted on the Main Site.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Bus Plunge!
Dec 15th
Back in the day (which was a Saturday), there was a website dedicated to documenting the bizarre phenomena of buses that inevitably and invariably “plunge” into the depths of whatever canyon the bus could find to snuff the lives of religious travelers. The site was a precursor to blogging, and it was called, appropriately, Bus Plunge! The site still exists here, but it may be an archive only.
The phenom of writing news articles about about bus plunging garnered a lot of attention, and there is even a Wiki article about it. The reason I bring all this up is because it was bizarre to me how buses never just crashed, but always plunged, and you could see the pattern emerge that God hates busfulls of worshipers, no matter what religion it is. Here is a recent case in point, from Fox News here:
A bus packed with passengers traveling along a narrow road in southern Egypt plunged into an irrigation canal Sunday, killing 57 people. The bus, with at least 70 passengers on board, swerved to avoid an oncoming pickup truck near a village close to the city of Minya, about 130 miles south of Cairo.
Rescuers on small boats searched the canal for passengers, and volunteers pulled bodies out of the water. A crane later lifted the bus out of the canal.
The accident took place early Sunday at the end of a major Muslim holiday, when inter-city roads are crowded with returning vacationers.
Keep on plungin’.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Nutty Chipmunks and Their Walnuts
Dec 12th
Hope Wideup’s car was used by rodents as a storage shed for walnuts. When she opened the hood because there were mechanical problems, thousands of nuts rolled out. It reminded me of this Dick Van Dyke episode.
From the AP here:
Hope Wideup’s car’s turn signal and windshield wipers wouldn’t work. The car’s engine compartment were full of walnuts. “There were thousands in there. They were everywhere,” she said, speculating a chipmunk found its way into her car, which had been sitting idle for several weeks, and used the engine compartment as a storage depot for a trove of black walnuts.
“Apparently this little guy stuffed a bunch of these nuts in the accelerator throttle,” said Wideup, who had to spend $242 for towing and repairs.
“It’s funny, but it’s not,” she said.
Sounds like Chip and Dale.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...The Keys to an Ambulance Ride
Nov 25th
I used to think it was only annoying that our kid will grab our car keys and then run away and press the red panic button on the remote to make the car horn blare over and over again to annoy the neighbors. I think I now see another potential hazard of playing with the keys.
This little boy, 20 months old, fell on a set of keys and the key penetrated his brain. Miraculously, the tot made a full recovery, including his eyesight!
From the DailyMail here:
A toddler has been hailed a miracle after getting a set of keys lodged in his brain.
Nicholas Holderman fell on his parents’ car keys in a freak accident.
One entered his eyelid and penetrated his brain as these X-ray scans reveal.
But the 20-month-old US tot has since made a full recovery.
As a parent though, this xray is your worst nightmare. Congrats to the Holdermans on their kid making a complete recovery!
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Upcoming Episode of House: A Worm in the Brain
Nov 24th
You’ve heard of earworms? Songs that get stuck in your head? Well this is a brain worm, and it comes from handling or eating raw pork or not washing your hands in the bathroom.
From Neatorama here:
Rosemary Alvarez went to the doctor because she had numbness in her arms and blurred vision. An MRI revealed something unusual deep in her brain stem, so doctors immediately sent her to surgery.
But they didn’t find the tumor they expected – instead, they found … a worm! Doctors said worms can come from eating undercooked pork or spread by people who don’t wash their hands after using the bathroom.
Oh yeah, there is a nifty video. Below is a screenshot of the doctor pulling the worm out of the lady’s brain. Click the wormy photo to see the video.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...The Kurgan Versus Church of Scientology
Nov 24th
FoxNews and the LATimes reported that a bald guy with tattoos charged the Co$ Celebrity Center in Hollywood armed with two swords. The security guards shot the guy in the face, because there can be only one, and this guy wasn’t it.
I suspect that the guy was a broke out of work actor/action star who was pissed off after losing all his money to the organization to “audit” him and remove his thetans. FoxNews says here:
A security guard shot and killed a man wielding two Samurai swords Sunday on the grounds of a Scientology building in Hollywood. The unidentified man approached three guards around noon in the parking lot of the Scientology Celebrity Centre.
The man was “close enough to hurt them” when one of the guards shot him. Detectives were questioning the guard to figure out the swordsman’s motive and determine whether the shooting was justified. Surveillance tape showed the man arriving at the center’s parking lot in a red convertible, then approaching the guards with a sword in each hand.
Who says ninjas are smart? You don’t show up in a red convertible in broad daylight. You show up in the dark of night and use smoke bombs and sleeping potions, duh!
LATimes has a description of the disgruntled former Co$ member here:
He said the man in his 40s, was involved with the church “a long time ago.”
He stopped the car abruptly in the driveway and climbed out with a 5-foot sword in his hand and an angry expression on his face. He was bald and had tattoos on his arms, walked toward the building, then returned to the car to get the other sword.
Update! The epic swordsman is revealed to be Mario Majorski, who used to be very deep into scientology.
He doesn’t look like the Kurgan, but he definitely looks like a brainwashing victim. Tsk tsk. If anyone needed to see a psychiatrist, it was probably this guy. I guess the tech just doesn’t work.
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