I can't believe that came from your mouth!
Archive for May, 2009
The Jon and Kate Gosselin Breakup: I Blame Mady
May 6th
It seems that Jon was getting really tired of Kate’s chronic shrewish nagging, so he has hooked up with a 23 year old third-grade school teacher (teachers are such whores, right?) for sex, shots and a soon-to-be single swinger lifestyle.
This story here from Us Weekly details the whole shocking affair. But anyone who has watched the show Jon and Kate plus 8 over the past few years saw this coming, right? Kate is a bitchy germaphobic shrew who nags Jon constantly and is fond of slapping him with her cutely named “love taps.” Is it any wonder Jon wanted to “get some” on the side? However, I don’t blame Kate for the pending breakup of the marriage and what is sure to be a hefty child support payment multiplied by eight. I blame Mady.
That’s Mady on the bottom right, shooting laserbeams of pure evil and hatred from her eyeslits toward the rest of her family. Mady is never happy and she goes out of her way to make sure her parents and siblings suffer daily for their imaginary offenses against her. Whenever there is a family photo, Mady is shown to be beligerently pouty. Mady is the reason there are no sharp knives around the house, and rumor has it that it was Mady that introduced her father to the teacher, Deanna Hummel. Maybe Kate can use some of Jon’s insane child support payments to get Mady the electric-shock therapy she so desperately needs.
From the UsWeekly article here:
Five people close to the situation – including two relatives of the other woman – confirm that Jon & Kate Plus 8 dad Jon Gosselin, 32, has been having an affair with third grade school teacher Deanna Hummel.
After Jon and Deanna met in mid-January at Chill Lounge in Reading, Pennsylvania (they sent each other $3 shots), Jason says Jon — who has twins, 8, and sextuplets, 5 — began relentlessly pursuing his sister. By mid-February, he was coming over to their Reading house.
At the Hummel house, Jason says Deanna and Jon would “pretty much stay locked away like two teenagers. It was weird. He’s a grown man.” He also adds, “A lot of the time, it was pretty, um, gross listening to her, you know, um — how do I say this? The walls are thin. Let’s just say that. I mean, no one wants to hear his sister having sex, let alone with a married dude who’s, like, almost twice her age and who has eight kids and a maybe-crazy wife. Ick. Nasty.”
Why do women who are the worst decision makers decide to go into the teaching profession? Oh well. With Jon out of the family’s life, one thing is for certain- In 15 years, there will be two sets of half-asian stripper sisters dancing somewhere in Pennsylvania! A set of twins and a set of triplets!
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(2 votes, average: 4.50 out of 6)
Loading ...Adventures in Diversity Training!
May 5th
Delaware State’s Department of Transportation sent out a newsletter to their employees with hints and clues on how to be sensitive to gays, blacks, latinos, the elderly and the crippled. But the newsletter’s author, Secretary Carolann Wicks, refused to beat around the bush and neglected to be politically correct or use preferred “multicultural” words. The result was a newsletter that is insulting, like all diversity training classes are, but hilarious because the newsletter spews hateful words like spic, fag, nigger and retard. It reads like diversity training by Michael Scott of Dunder Mifflin Paper Company.
The hilariously racist, insulting document is here. It contains nuggets like the following:
- Never call a coworker a “fag” or “homo.”
This is derogatory, rude, and totally
insensitive.- You may have heard comedians or African
Americans use the word “nigger” casually.
It is never, ever acceptable to use this word
in any context. You are asking for trouble;
leave this one alone.- Don’t ask blacks: “Should we order fried chicken or
watermelon for you?”
This is stereotyping and shows ignorance.- Never refer to a co-worker as a “retard.”
This is an insult to people with mental
disabilities.- It is never ever acceptable to refer to a
Hispanic/Latino co-worker as a “spic”
“wetback” or “hot footer.” This is
derogatory.- Can you help me out with my landscaping?
Why would you assume that all
Hispanics/Latinos are landscaping experts?
And it goes on and on. Read the public’s reaction here. As far as stereotyping goes, ever notice that whenever you pass a road construction project run by people in the Department of Transportation, you always see one person working and 9 people leaning on a shovel? Oops, does that somehow make me insensitive or a racist? Probably.
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(1 votes, average: 6.00 out of 6) Loading ...Is Obama Reading My Blog?
May 5th
After my glowing review of Ray’s Hellburger, Barack Obama dragged Joe “the Gaffe” Biden out for a motorcade ride to Arlington for a delicious tasty Ray’s Hellburger.
Actually, he or his staff probably read Food Network Magazine which is how I found out about this tasty burger joint. Read the story of Obama’s trip here. The Prez is even sitting right next to the table we sat at on Saturday.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Midnight Music: The Jonas Brothers – “Pizza Girl”
May 4th
Hell isn’t freezing over, but it is getting just a bit frosty. That’s right, I’m putting a Jonas Brothers video on my website. Why? I used to run a pizza shop- I made the pies, delivered the pies, and made out with a few pizza delivery girls in my time. Back in the day. It was a Saturday. Anyways, my wife was getting a pedicure and for some reason the Disney Channel was playing in the salon, and this song came on. Knowing about my “thing” for pizza delivery girls, she told me about it. And what can I say, I love this song.
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(1 votes, average: 6.00 out of 6) Loading ...“X-Men Origins: Wolverine” Worst Mutant Movie Ever
May 4th
I didn’t think you could make a bad movie with Wolverine in it. I was wrong. And it seems to be the consensus. Even BWE thinks it sucks. They pulled the RottenTomatoes scores for all of the X-Men movies.
There were so many things wrong with this movie- anachronisms like fast, powerful working computers in the 80′s, a mish-mash of vehicles from different decades- not to mention they completely remade Wolverine’s origin, and perhaps, the worst insult of all- they changed Logan’s name to Jimmy.
And who the hell told Will.I.Am from the Black Eyed Peas that he could act? I haven’t seen a black man fuck up a superhero movie so badly since Richard Pryor in Superman IV.
The most impressive mutant powers I saw in the movie was the ability to steal ten dollars from my pocket. Curse you 20th Century Fox for ruining Wolverine for me.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...WTF? Vick to Be New PETA SpokesThug
May 3rd
This goes to show just how stupid both Vick and everyone at PETA are: PETA wants to hire Michael “Ron Mexico” Vick to be the national spokesperson for animal cruelty. I think that would be like hiring Hitler to sing karaoke at a bar mitzvah.
From WTOP here:
Michael Vick has a new job offer waiting for him: PETA spokesman.
The ex-NFL superstar – who is serving prison time for funding an illegal dog-fighting ring – is in talks to do public service ads for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.
The new gig is part of a comprehensive PR attempt to transform the disgraced quarterback’s image — and possibly get him re-admitted to the NFL. Vick’s public mea culpas will come in the form of public service announcements, TV interviews, donations to animal-rights organizations, and perhaps even the creation of his own foundation.
Hot Air says it would be like having Jeffrey Dahmer be the spokesman for Vegetarianism. They also say that PETA is insisting on forcing Vick to undergo a brain scan in order to get the job.
Meanwhile, Maria Melton has set up a website to help find answers to solve the brutal murder of her brother Roy Melton. Roy was involved in dog fighting, and likely fought some of Vick’s dogs. He was murdered during the days leading up to the arrest of Michael Vick. Read more about it here and at Maria’s site.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Bravery in the Face of Screaming Jets and Cheeseburgers
May 3rd
This afternoon the family went to Ray’s Hell Burger in Arlington, named Food Network’s Best Burger in Virginia. After trying the succulent burger, I have to agree with Food Network’s assessment. Here is Yelp’s user reviews of the place. Seriously, if you haven’t had a peppercorn encrusted blackened burger, then you don’t know what burgers can be.
And since we were so close, we took Cartney to Gravelly Point in Crystal City to watch the jets take off from Reagan National Airport. We were worried he might be a little afraid of the jets screaming overhead, but as it turned out we had to keep him from climbing the security fence to get a closer look.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Bad Motorcyclists Keep Data at Their Fingertips
May 2nd
Geeks like motorcycles too, but not all of them have the skills to keep it on both wheels. So naturally when the bike goes sideways and the geeky cyclist begins to eject his fingers, the geek chooses the most logical prosthetic replacement.
Thanks to the WeeklyWorldNews for the story!
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Your Sideways Sloppy Joe is Showing
May 1st
This is so… wrong. When you are in a recession you have to look for new markets. Why not sell some panty liners to erase that embarrassing camel toe? Check out this manufacturer’s website here at Cuchini.Com.
Thanks to Best Week Ever for this shocking link. Michelle Collins writes:
It costs $15. $15! To erase a cameltoe, which some people would call priceless! Let’s be honest here: If you really wanted to get rid of a little harmless c-toe, you could put plenty of things in your underwear to block its appearance. Toss a Lands End catalog in your p’s; throw a couple of socks down there; use an old flip-flop or pair of Adidas shower shoes; even better? Drop an old cell phone in front of your beefseat for two. All of these common household items will easily blog c-toe, not to mention save you money better spent on hand-beaded thongs.
But you know, we don’t want to put an end to Cuchini’s soon-to-be-bustling business. We fully support the idea of all cameltoes being erased, especially if Cuchini would be willing to shell out some vagbucks and put out a late night infomercial to promote its product.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Swine Flu Not All That Bad
May 1st
Researchers have been conducting studies and have determined that if no one does anything at all to stop the spread of the Swine Flu over the next four weeks, there will only be at most, 1,700 cases of infection in the United States. Most of these cases if not all, will end with survival. Click the map to see a great video with all of the details.
Now compare this with the number of traffic fatalities in the US per month. On average 3,100 people get into a car, truck or minivan and never come out alive. So can we please stop the panic now?
What was cool about this computer model is that they used the online database from Where’s George to track typical movements of people across the country.
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(1 votes, average: 6.00 out of 6) Loading ...Googley-Eyed NY Governor is a Googley-Eyed Racist
May 1st
Good googley moogley! How racist are you if you are black and blind, but fire a white person, whose color you can’t see, who takes pictures for a living to produce photographs you can’t see, and replace him with a black person, whose color you can’t see, to take more pictures which you still can’t see? That is exactly what New York Governor David “the Googley” Paterson did when he was New York Senate minority leader. He fired a white Senate photographer who had been employed by the Senate for 26 years and replaced him with a black man. I would say this was due to a color preference, but since Paterson can’t see shit, I will have to guess this is a racial preference based on texture! Or maybe taste? Eeeww!
From the NYPost here:
Gov. Paterson, who raised state taxes by $8 billion last month, just cost state taxpayers $300,000 more.
The state has secretly settled an embarrassing federal racial-discrimination lawsuit. Paterson, back when he was Senate minority leader in 2003, fired a white Senate photographer in order to replace him with an African-American.
The settlement ends a civil-rights action first filed in 2005 by Joseph Maioriello, 56, of Schenectady, a 26-year Senate employee who originally sought $1.5 million.
He was fired from his $34,000-a-year job as a photographer two years earlier and replaced by a black employee, El-Wise Noisette.
In the lawsuit, Maioriello said he was told by John McPadden, then Paterson’s chief of staff, that he was being fired because a number of minority senators wanted to replace him with “a minority photographer, a black photographer.” He said he was also told, “You got to remember who Sen. Paterson is. Sen. Paterson is black.”
Paterson, who is legally blind googley-eyed, claimed in a sworn deposition that he didn’t see well enough to have fired Maioriello because of his race. A spokesman for Paterson later said the comment was “a quip, a joke.”
So he had his seeing-eye chief of staff do it for him. Same difference.
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