I can't believe that came from your mouth!
Archive for January, 2008
Smoking Pot Makes You Stupid. Ask Ben Gordon.
Jan 8th
A Virginia kid goes to a party at some friend’s home in New Jersey, which is located next to a police station. He smokes pot and thinks its funny to do it right next to the copshop. The look on his face when they nabbed him was hilarious according to the police report.
From APP.com here:
One man was charged with marijuana possession after the odor of burned marijuana wafted through a chain-link fence separating the rear of a home with the rear parking lot of the police station.
About 2:20 a.m. Saturday, Sgt. Ronald Heinzman had just finished a shift and was walking to his personal car in the lot when the odor of burned marijuana carried through the crisp air, he said.
He went back into the police station and asked patrol officers Christopher Gibson and Matthew Kline to come outside.
The officers approached the rear yard of the home where police believed a small group had been smoking marijuana. The group had gone inside the basement of the house and were gathered there under a double-door hatch.
While the officers were standing outside the hatched door, they could hear conversations. The group was talking and laughing about the irony of smoking pot while next to the police station.
The officers knocked on the door, and the person who answered was surprised to see three uniformed police officers standing there. The officers were invited inside by the person renting the apartment and had answered the door.
Several people were at what appeared to be a small party.
Police said they had smelled burned marijuana, but the partygoers said they had no knowledge of such activity. One man, Benjamin Gordon, 18, of Farmville, Va., tried to leave the room by going upstairs. He was stopped, questioned by the officers and subsequently was determined to be in possession of marijuana. The others said they did not participate in smoking the pot, police said.
Gordon was issued a summons for possession of less than 50 grams of marijuana.
It had otherwise been a quiet night on patrol, Heinzman said. “But it was priceless to see the look on the face of the person who opened the hatch door to the basement to find three uniformed police officers standing there.”
Here’s a free tip. Just because they knock, it doesn’t mean you have to let them in. And Ben’s Myspace page is here, although he lies about his age on it.
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Loading ...Blessed Be! Wiccan Sacrifices his Step Daughters
Jan 8th
Meet Marla Suing. In the photo below she was enjoying a nice outing with her daughters to a zoo when she was happily married and living in Minnesota.
For reasons unknown, she ditched her husband for a 20-year-old dorky kid named Larry Harris, who thought he was Harry Potter, and claimed he performed magick spells (I spell it with a “k” to add more PHEAR!) like he was some 16 year old girl or something. She gets knocked up by this kid, marries him, and runs off to Sioux City Iowa last year to raise her newest kid and her daughters from her previous marriage.
And while Marla was at work and Larry was between shifts at Wal-Mart, he performed a pagan sacrifice (Blessed Be!) involving a knife, a rope, some fire, and probably his penis, in order to cast a “spell of protection” for his 3-year-old son. The stepdaughters didn’t think the spell was cool, and in fact, did not live long enough to see the outcome.
For Larry Harris’ final magick trick, he set fire to the house to cover up evidence of his crime. He failed at that too and cops have him in jail on a 2 Million dollar bond.
Wiccans find “spells of destruction” in the Pagan Yellow Pages
Marla respected his “religion” but told him not to practice it in the house. I think she got that mixed up with playing baseball in the house, but I could be wrong.
From the Demoinesregister here:
Their stepfather, Lawrence D. Harris Sr., was arrested and charged with murder. He was allegedly conducting a religious ritual that used the girls as victims.
Joan Suing suggested Monday that her great-granddaughters were intended as a sacrifice.
“I don’t know if it’s Satanic or what it is,” said Suing, adding that she spoke to the girls’ mother on Sunday night. “Obviously from what Marla understood, he meant to use these two as the victims.”
From KMEG14 here:
The sisters were found dead in a second floor room of their home. Fire crews discovered the bodies while responding to a fire call Sunday afternoon. It was initially ruled suspicious.
Police now believe the girls died before the fire. Their stepfather, Larry Harris, is charged with two counts of first degree murder.
Police say the girls were found strangled and stabbed in their home. Larry Harris told investigators at the scene that the girls were dead in their room, the victims of witchcraft gone badly.
The girls’ mother Marla said that her husband told her he was doing a spell for death and destruction to help Marla’s third child stay out of trouble. She says she respected her husband’s beliefs, but just asked that he not practice them in the house.
A “Death and Destruction” spell? I think that was in Chapter 17 of the Advanced Dungeons and Dragons spellcraft guide.
Its too bad Iowa doesn’t have the death penalty. Larry Harris should clearly be burned at the stake.
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(4 votes, average: 4.50 out of 6) Loading ...Yippee. New Cubicles.
Jan 8th
I get a new cubicle at work today. Well, not really new. Its not like the partitions they are going to erect around me are going to be pulled out of cardboard shipping packages. Nope, they are cobbling together unused sections out of what we already have and perhaps some forgotten pieces from some storage compartment in the building’s basement.
The whole point of getting new cubes is to cram at least one extra fellow in my office space with me and my two other coworkers. Hopefully I won’t be losing real estate or a window seat in this new configuration.
Getting new cubicles must be on par with having a fresh coat of paint slapped onto the door of your jail cell.
To get cubicle envy, check out the Ultimate Dilbert Cubicle. It comes with a built-in hammock.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Obama Makes Hillary Cry
Jan 7th
There’s no crying in politics. If Howard Dean ruined his political career in 2004 by screaming, I hope the tears Hillary shed today ruins hers. She was on video here bemoaning the fact that she has opportunities for this country and really wants to do it “for the kids.” I watched the video and threw up in my mouth.
As Cartman would say,
Yes! Yesss!! Oh, let me taste your tears, Hillary Clinton!
Mmm, your tears are so yummy and sweet.
Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness! My-ymmuy. Mm-yummy you guys!
Thanks to HotAir for the link.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Jenny Lost Her Dog
Jan 7th
Someone lost their dog in Lewiston, Maine. The dog’s name was Mohammad, and there is a one thousand dollar reward for the prompt return of the animal. A warning on the poster said that the dog was a danger to people and children and wasn’t to be trusted. Video here.
It was hung outside a Somali Deli. Some Widdle Muslims now have to go decapitate a white man kaffir to feel better.
The rest of the story is here at Dhimmi Watch, and they note that the police and the city mayor want to remind citizens that the first amendment does not apply in or around Somali Delis. EVER.
If someone sticks that in a frame and hangs it in a gallery, it is just as much art as the Piss Christ piece. And dig that fake phone number. Got it off the bathroom wall. I guess there will soon be a fatwa issued against Tommy Tutone.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...What Dr. Phil Told Britney
Jan 7th
Operatives for Belch.Com were on hand at Cedars-Sinai and were able to overhear the conversation between Dr. Phil McGraw and Britney Spears after her infamous meltdown over losing custody of her children.
Dr. Phil told Britney:
- You don’t need to flunk out of school to whistle while you work.
- You don’t need an asthma attack to disgrace your family.
- You don’t need Shemp to grab ‘em in the biscuits.
- You don’t need to rob a bank to WEEWEEWEE all the way home.
- You don’t need a leisurely demeanor to jerk off in a karaoke bar.
- You don’t need a badger to make a delicious fondue.
- You don’t need to call the media in advance to drop and give me twenty.
- You don’t need anyone or anything to run out into traffic.
- You don’t need Eminem to rock me like a hurricane.
- You don’t need clam chowder to skin a gopher.
- You don’t need a feeble grandma to act real sassy-like.
Oddly enough after comments like that, medical personnel considered putting Dr. Phil under mental evaluation too. Britney shaved her head again in response.
You know you are at the “nexus of surreal®” when Dr. Phil shows up to make you quit smoking the “crazy bong.” Thanks to the Dr. Phil quote generator for the list above.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Infamous Spammer Indicted
Jan 7th
The FBI spent three years investigating, but they finally indicted one of the worst spammers the Internet has ever seen. Alan Ralsky has one of the largest files on record at Spamhaus, and is known to use botnets, hijacked proxies, hacked mail servers and lots more underhanded methods to send out terragajillions of spam messages, including fake stock alerts, known as pump and dump scams.
From Reuters here:
A federal grand jury in Detroit has indicted a Michigan man dubbed the “spam king,” and 10 others, in an international illegal bulk e-mailing and stock fraud scheme, the U.S. Justice Department said on Thursday.
The 41-count indictment charges Alan Ralsky, 52, of West Bloomfield, Michigan, his son-in-law, and nine others with operating an spamming operation that focused on running a stock “pump and dump” scheme.
“Today’s charges seek to knock out one of the largest illegal spamming and fraud operations in the country, an international scheme to make money by manipulating stock prices through illegal spam e-mail promotions,” U.S. Attorney Stephen Murphy said in a statement.
Under the scheme, the group sent spam touting thinly traded Chinese penny stocks, drove up their stock price, and reaped profits by selling the stock at artificially inflated prices, the statement said.
How infamous was Ralsky? He has his own Wikipedia entry here. Spamhaus’ list of illegal activity is 96 records long. A sickening article that describes his operations in a huge mansion that spam financed for him, and how he plans to incorporate viruses and malware is here.
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(1 votes, average: 4.00 out of 6) Loading ...Intel Gives OLPC the Finger
Jan 4th
Intel was going to help Nick Negroponte of the One Laptop Per Child program sell his stupid little crappy XO laptops to African orphan children. That is until Negroponte made a ridiculous demand that Intel should never sell any other laptops to any other country that has poor kids in it.
From NewsFactor here:
Intel has pulled out of the One Laptop Per Child initiative to sell millions of low-cost laptops to developing nations. The chip giant cited disagreements with OLPC’s founder, former MIT professor Nicholas Negroponte.
Intel and the OLPC have been bickering over Intel’s initiatives to sell its own low-cost laptop, the Classmate, in many of the same countries OLPC has targeted.
AMD provides the chips for the OLPC machines, but Intel appeared to be getting a piece of the action through an OLPC-designed laptop the Journal reported was to be announced at the 2008 Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas.
Instead, according to the Journal, Intel’s representative quit the OLPC board and the hardware has been nixed.
Negroponte demanded that Intel stop selling the Classmate in developing countries. Negroponte also demanded that Intel stop supplying its chips to other laptops marketed to schoolchildren in those countries.
Intel could not accommodate that request.
Roger Kay, a former IDC analyst, did not mince words about the Intel-OLPC breakup and about Negroponte in particular. “He’s a bit of a swashbuckling showman, but when it comes to understanding how to work with partners and run a business, he’s completely clueless,” Kay said. “You can’t tell your partners how to do business, particularly if your partner happens to be Intel.”
The elitism of leftist do-gooders knows no bounds. Negroponte is going down with the OLPC ship on this one.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Winter Time Fire Drill
Jan 4th
This is not what you want at your office on the coldest day of the year so far- A mandatory evacuation and fire trucks outside.
Some dummy pulled the fire-alarm in my building, forcing hundreds to shiver in the cold for forty minutes and then fight for room on the elevator to get back upstairs. I think it was the same guy who seems to wait until the hottest day of the year to sabotage the air conditioning units on my floor.
And I noticed that there were a few firewomen among the crew, carrying axes and prybars. They weren’t very pretty and I’m certain they could kick my ass in a fight. Which of course makes sense. But in my mind I suppose I expected this:
Yeah, I know, inside every man is a junior-high school kid that harbors adolescent fantasies.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Katrina Survivor Abandons Children
Jan 4th
No, not this mom. This one. The one that left her babies at home to fly to Nigeria to get married to a 419 scam artist she met on the Internet.
Katrina Moms can’t get out of the way of a hurricane, but they can fly to Nigeria to get married. I blame Bush.
From Chron.com here:
Harris County mother leaves brood to wed in Africa
A Harris County woman could face child endangerment charges after leaving eight children home alone while she traveled to Africa to marry a man she met on the Internet.
The mother reportedly flew to Nigeria on Monday, leaving the children with little food and no money.
A deputy making a welfare check at a home on Wednesday found six children between the ages of 1 and 9 alone inside. The children told the deputy their mother had left several days ago and they didn’t know how to reach her. The official says trash and roaches were found everywhere in the home.
A neighbor told investigators he had driven the woman to the airport for a one- to two-month trip to Africa, where she planned to marry a man she’d met online.
The children have been placed in foster homes.
The family apparently evacuated to LaPorte from New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina and then evacuated to Houston from LaPorte after Hurricane Rita, she said.
Would anyone really question the decision-making capabilities of someone too stupid to get out of the way of a hurricane? I bet she went to Nigeria because she thought she would become a millionaire by marrying Dr. Rex Motumbo, a dying banking official who is desperately trying to get 800 Million in US Dollars out of his country without anyone finding out.
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(1 votes, average: 3.00 out of 6) Loading ...Dumbest P2P User Loses Her Lawyer
Jan 3rd
The Register is cackling about how Jammie Thomas, the world’s dumbest P2P File Sharing user, who was pummeled by the RIAA in court to the tune of $220,000, just had her lawyer quit on her.
Doh! Well at least she still has a full MP3 player. That was worth it, right?
The lawyer was working pro-bono and get this: He is a maritime lawyer. This means he deals with shipping law, boat registrations and maybe if he’s lucky, salvage rights. What the hell was this guy doing arguing a P2P case against the RIAA? Oh, wait, now I remember, Jammie Thomas is a dolt.
From the Reg:
Things are looking up for the World’s Dumbest File Sharer, Jammie Thomas, who became the first American to go to court in a P2P case in October.
A jury of her peers found Thomas guilty of copyright infringement and set a fine of $222,000 – but now she’s been dumped by the person most responsible for leaving her in this predicament (apart from Jammie herself) – her attorney Brian Toder.
It was Toder who foolishly advised her to make a principled fight of the matter in court – now Toder, who was working pro bono, is cutting his losses and will no longer represent Jammie. P2P site TorrentSpy notes that Toder was a maritime law specialist.
Free Jammie has raised $1,189.57 in the past nine weeks alone for her legal defense. Only $204,621.59 to go, then.
And how does she raise money? Selling thongs. Eeeewww.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...Hippies Want To Enslave You for a Day
Jan 3rd
Lifelong hippies from Denver that suffer from a severe case of “White Guilt” want to build a 700 Thousand dollar playland in the jungles of Haiti where you can go to be captured, chained, crammed on a prison ship, then auctioned and forced to labor in a cane field for a day. At the end of the day you revolt against Whitey and sing Kum-baya by a fountain.
Aging moonbat and White Guilt sufferer Carla Bluntschli wants to chain you up. Why? She doesn’t really know.
From Westword.com here:
Visitors to Memory Village would decide whether they wanted to be spectators or participants during a twelve-hour day. The latter would receive traditional African clothing and then be mock-kidnapped from their homelands, shackled, chained and forced to march to the slave ship (resting on a real stream), where they’d be piled in as cargo for the crossing of the Atlantic. Once the ship reached the New World, the participants would be brought to market and sold, then broken down in the quarantine and put to work out on the plantation. Near the end of the day, a slave rebellion would start, a rebellion that would eventually lead to the establishment of Haiti.
And that’s why she and her husband have used their retirement money to build a house in a Haitian village roughly 25 miles from Port-au-Prince, where they plan to build Memory Village.
So far, they have the concept and a foundation, N a Sonje, but they haven’t yet come up with the $700,000 in funding they anticipate will be needed to get the project off the ground.
They are raising money by putting on a ridiculous play about the evils of the white man at schools and churches in Moonbat havens such as San Francisco and Denver. The play’s website is here. The Memory Village site is here.
So what would be worse? Going to Haiti to be enslaved or going to Detroit?
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...This Is How Darwinism Works
Jan 3rd
The weak and the stupid must be weeded out of the genepool to prevent the spread of idiocy. This was the only photo I could find online of Daniel Ferraro, a dead 19-year-old who was home from College visiting his folks for the holidays. He got a brilliant idea to detonate explosives inside his old playground set. He didn’t survive to see it uploaded to Youtube. According to FARK, his last words were, “Hey you guys, watch this!”
Self-Pwn3d.
From the Journal-news here:
A Miami University student was killed Wednesday in an explosion in the backyard of his parent’s home.
Police said a group of teenagers were trying to blow up a two-story, wooden playground set when debris from the explosion hit Daniel Ferraro, 19.
Police would not say what kind of explosives were used, but neighbors said the explosion rocked their homes.
Neighbors and friends said Ferraro, the son of Anthony and Katherine Ferraro, was a Eagle Scout and a former member of Boy Scout Troop 974.
ATF agents, the State Fire Marshal’s office and the Butler County Sheriff’s Bomb Unit were all on the scene assisting in the investigation.
Is blowing up stuff in the back yard funny? Well, this made me laugh.
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(3 votes, average: 3.33 out of 6) Loading ...Pat Robertson Is Prophet of Doom
Jan 3rd
Pat Robertson now forecasts the doom of mankind yearly on his 700 Club TV show in a New Year’s Holy Prognostication. Last year he predicted that a massive terrorist attack, involving nuclear weapons, would strike the United States. Who knew he was only seeing the next season of 24? Two years ago he said a tsunami would strike the US. This year? We get worldwide violence and recession, yippee!
From FoxNews here:
Religious broadcaster Pat Robertson predicted Wednesday that 2008 will be a year of violence worldwide and a recession in the United States, followed by a major stock-market crash by 2010.
Last year, Robertson predicted that a terrorist act, possibly involving a nuclear weapon, would result in mass killing in the United States. Noting that it hadn’t come to pass, Robertson said, “All I can think is that somehow the people of God prayed and God in his mercy spared us.”
The 700 club comes on TV at my house right after America’s Funniest Home Videos on ABCFamily. I know this because every time the show goes off the air, my wife plunges toward the TV remote control with a snarl so she won’t have to look at Pat Robertson.
But I have watched the 700 Club a few times. My favorite part of the show is when Pat Robertson prays and names specific illnesses his viewers have out there in TVLand, and he heals those illnesses. It is quite like ol’ Miss Sherri on Romper Room, with her magic mirror, saying, “Romper bomper stomper boo, tell me, tell me, tell me do, magic mirror tell me today, have all my diseases been cured today?”
Anyone old enough to remember watching Romper Room?
But you know, people believe this doom and gloom stuff. And they believe the VA Beach preacher can also leg press a ton. Silly right? Wrong.
Its no sillier than a goober from Tennessee who predicts doom and gloom in the form of floods, hurricanes, drought, famine and war based over global warming. Loads of people still believe Al Gore too.
Last year the terrorist nuke strike didn’t happen. And yesterday it snowed in Mexico City. And Daytona Beach, Florida. And record-setting snow in New Hampshire. And record snowfalls across the New England and the Canadian East.
So if you think Pat Robertson is nutso, like I do, then you must also believe the same thing about Al Gore. But if you believe Al Gore is right, then you ought to tune into the 700 club. Maybe ol’ Rev. Pat can cure what ails you.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...I Shall Be Telling This With a Sigh
Jan 2nd
Out of Control Underage House Parties sure can be fun.
From the AP here:
Whose woods these are I think I know,
Homer Noble Farm was ransacked last week during a party attended by as many as 50 people.
His house is in the village though.
The intruders broke a window to get into the two-story wood frame building — a furnished residence open in the summer — before destroying tables and chairs, pictures, windows, light fixtures, and dishes. Wicker furniture and dressers were smashed and thrown into a fireplace and burned, apparently to provide heat in the unheated building, he said.
He will not see me stopping here,
Empty beer bottles and cans, plastic cups, and cellophane apparently used to hold marijuana were also found. The vandals vomited in the living room and discharged two fire extinguishers inside the building.
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
No arrests have been made, Hodsden said, adding that they’ve tracked down some partygoers and believe they are minors.
So yeah, it was poet Robert Frost’s former home that he used during the summers in Vermont. Wow, some party. Here is a little poem for them:
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I–
I took the one everyone else traveled by,
And that has made not a damn bit of difference.
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(1 votes, average: 5.00 out of 6) Loading ...RIAA To Sue CD Rippers?
Jan 2nd
No immediate plans, but they sure want to, judging from recent legal briefs.
I have a new article up about this over at Geeks Are Sexy. Go check it out.
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(No Ratings Yet. Rate It!) Loading ...LibiGel to Spam Your Inboxes Soon
Jan 2nd
There is a new female version of Viagra being tested. Oddly, they aren’t calling it Spanish fly.
Its “libigel” and it is supposed to get women ready, willing, and able to do the “bwam-chikka-wow-wow” without having to resort to really expensive dinners, begging, and date rape drugs.
From the AP here:
A drug that could do for women what Viagra has done for men is being tested at the University of Virginia. The drug is a testosterone-laden ointment called LibiGel and it’s intended to boost the libido of women who have lost interest in sex. It will be prescribed at UVa in coming months to women who are suffering from hypoactive sexual desire disorder.
The condition is believed to affect one-third of American women.
“It is the most common sexual problem that women have,” said Dr. Anita Clayton, a psychiatrist with the UVa Health System.
In its second-phase clinical trials at 17 institutions, LibiGel led to a 283 percent increase of satisfying sexual encounters for the women taking the drug.
“A lot of women have this problem, but unfortunately they’ve been largely ignored by pharmaceutical companies,” said BioSante’s chief executive, Stephen M. Simes. “It’s not fair that women have no drugs, while men have many.”
And finally women can start being the targets of stupid spam emails. Now instead of penis enlargement pills, Viagra, cialis, and others, we will all start seeing spam emails for “libigel.”
I have just sent myself the world’s first spam targeting women who claim to have headaches or otherwise just aren’t “in the mood.” It said:
Your love canal running dry? You having problems hanging onto your man? Wanna hump studs like Britney Spears? Valentine’s Day is right around the corner! Be ready for your man! Turn your Ve-Ji-Ji into a Slip ‘n’ Slide!
Buy LibiGel now at record low prices!
And I provided a link to a fake website and I then stole my own credit card information for good measure. So as far as zero day spammers go, I am now a member of that club.
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(3 votes, average: 4.67 out of 6) Loading ...Stupid Anti-Smoking Laws
Jan 2nd
I quit smoking long ago, but I still think laws targeting smokers is an assault on freedom. Stopping people from smoking by government decree just shows how easy it is to use the government to bully people. And if the issue was really about the health of the smokers, the government would ban tobacco outright rather than keep it around as a revenue-generating enterprise.
In Portugal they banned smoking in public nationwide. And the minister of Foods and Standards, the agency that enforces the ban, was photographed in a casino smoking a cigar. Once again, laws liberals make apply to everyone but themselves.
From Reuters here:
The head of the Portuguese agency responsible for enforcing a new ban on smoking in public was seen lighting up at a New Year party, breaking the law on the first day it came into effect.
Antonio Nunes, president of Portugal’s food standards agency, was photographed by the daily Diario de Noticias smoking a cigar at a casino on the outskirts of Lisbon.
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(1 votes, average: 6.00 out of 6) Loading ...
