Archive for December, 2007

Belch.Com’s Hangover Cure

Like most Americans, you may be celebrating the incoming New Year tonight with a many friends and a few cocktails.  And like many people who may have too much celebration and too much cocktails, you will likely wake up tomorrow morning with a hangover, and hopefully, no regrets.

First, let’s not call it a “hangover.”  It has a negative connotation, and if you call in sick to work with a “hangover” you will get no pity from your boss. 

Instead, let’s call it “Celebration Sickness.”  It serves as a reminder that you got the way you are because you were having fun.  And if you call into work with “celebration sickness,” your boss might be a bit envious that he didn’t get to do whatever it was that you did.

Let me start by stating the obvious:  You can avoid celebration sickness by not drinking at all.  Or if you do drink, you should limit it to just two.  If you are going to have more than that, you should be prepared to deal with the possibility of celebration sickness.  Celebration sickness is caused by the constriction of blood vessels and dehydration caused by the metabolization of alcohol.

So to combat these symptoms, you must do one or all of the following: 

  1. Stay Hydrated.  Drink at least 16 ounces of water for each ounce of alcohol consumed.
  2. Retard the metabolization of alcohol.  This can be accomplished by using carbon in the stomach to filter excess alcohol.
  3. Thin the blood.  Since alcohol constricts blood vessels, only a blood thinner can keep the blood flowing easily.  Aspirin and never Tylenol (acetaminophen) will help with this.

About staying hydrated-  It is best to do this as the night goes along.  You don’t want to try to chug a half-gallon of water before bedtime, and guzzling all the water at once is not as effective as pacing yourself.

Using carbon in the stomach doesn’t mean you should eat charcoal.  But eating burnt things will certainly help.  Burnt toast, blackened chicken or beef, or even grilled veggies will put some carbon in your stomach.  It will act as a natural filter to slow down the alcohol absorption.  Some over-the-counter pills also contain carbon, specifically designed to combat hangovers.  Sob’r-K is a pill with a high carbon content and is very effective and quite cheap too.

Aspirin is very effective at alleviating symptoms of Celebration Sickness and can even be taken as a preventative solution before bedtime.  If you have a sensitive stomach you should really consider taking coated aspirin.  Or better yet, use Alka-Seltzer.  It combines aspirin with bicarbonate of soda, and mixed with water, you get all three cures in one.  Alka-Seltzer even makes a “Morning Relief” formula which adds a caffeine kick to help you get your day started.

As mentioned before, never take Tylenol, not even three days after a night of mild drinking.  It causes more liver damage than alcohol consumption. 

Happy New Year everyone!  Have a great time tonight and come back to this site regularly in 2008.


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BelchSpeak’s Best of 2007

For those of you who may be new to the blog, and for those of you who have been around for a while, allow me to familiarize you with what I consider the best blog postings of 2007.  Feel free to click these instant classics and relive the experiences or discover them for the first time.

Personal
I experienced quite a few personal milestones in 2007.  I found out the sex of my baby, and worked quite hard on getting the nursery together.   I became an Uncle again and lost a beloved pet. I got a new kitty to replace the one that died, and became a father for the first time.

Website Recognition
I caught wind that my website was mentioned in a newspaper somewhere. 

Idiots of the Year
Some of the biggest dopes of the year were celebrated with blog posts.  First up is a county treasurer that gave his county funds away to Nigerian scammers in an email scam.  Next up is Sheryl Crow and her big dumb idea to use less toilet paper in order to fight global warming.  While awaiting trial for killing dogs with his dogfighting scheme, Mike Vick toked up and failed a drug test.  And Katherine Lester spent some quality time with an abusive Moslem in the West Bank and finally realized that everyone else in the world really does know what the hell they are talking about.

Worst Ways to Die
Most of the worst ways to die that are mentioned entail getting eaten by animals or squished by something stupid.  Or both.  First up is an owl that kills a drunken thief.  Next, a whacky animal horder gets squished by her pet camel.  Sadly, a baby is killed by her vegan parents because they refuse to feed her milk.  Some idiot that keeps a tiger and a lion on his roof in Mexico is eaten by both of them.  And a “Peace Monk” cuts his lawn the absolutely wrong way.  And yet another camel humps a lady to death.  The creepy goth guy that collects spiders?  Yep, the spiders ate his dumb ass.  And finally, death by peanuts.

Biggest Hypocrites for 2007
Peta Employees went on trial for cruelty to animals.  They were dumping doggie corpses into a dumpster at a grocery store.  Prius drivers are worse for the environment than Hummer drivers.  And Al Gore.

Perverts of the Year
A 29-Year-Old Pedophile enrolls himself in the 5th grade.  Lorelei Corpuz is a 28 year old lesbian woman who passes herself as a teenage boy to scam victims.  A story about a creepy school teacher got the most comments on the site.  A Senator named Larry Craig.  And some creep that loves his dogs too much.

Religious Stupidity of the Year
Once again, it is mostly Muslims that do the whackiest stuff, followed closely by witches.  First is the retarded Burkini bathing suit.  Next is a Moslem that practices necromancy.  Modern witches went to trial in Salem for mutilating a raccoon.  Another witch was drunkenly burning debris too close to her home as part of a ritual.  And the muslim rage over a stupid teddy bear.

Most Deserved Firings
After many embarrassing goofs, the Department of Energy boss was fired.  A county assessor was doing blow from her desk.  A stupid teacher brought heroin to school.  And a school principal was performing voodoo rituals to help students get better grades.

Stupid Chinese Travesties
Kids that spend too much time online gaming get electric shock treatments.  The Chinese brag that they help reduce global warming because they abort so many babies.  And when rats become a problem, just put them on the menu.

Best Clown Stories
One clown tried to sneak drugs into a prison.  This mime finally did something really funny.  And this clown was busted for fondling children in Asia.

Global Warming Hoaxes of the Year
Global warming supposedly is more dangerous than a full-blown nuclear war.  Children are scared shitless about global warming when they should be more afraid of their teachers.  And a giant douche won the Nobel Prize.

2007′s Best Cyber Stories
The Storm Worm becomes the most powerful distributed computing platform on the planet.  AT&T is listening in on cyber communications.  Comcast and Net Neutrality.

Posts That Make Me Laugh
Jeff Dunham and his new terrorist friend.  And the song Symantec sings to their disappointed shareholders.

Bizarre Comments
Two posts stand out as having deranged visitors and flaky comments.  Enjoy the comments by a bedwetter bisexual virgin here and a school teacher that defends a pedophile teacher in his school district.

2007′s Scariest Trends
Meth use is getting out of control in the midwestern states.  And enough with the stories about nooses, okay?

Father of the Year of 2007
Alec Baldwin for his voicemail to his daughter.

Mothers of the Year of 2007
The Straws, who let their kids starve because they were too busy playing Online games.  This Mom threw her baby at cops when they tried to bust her for smoking dope.  And this Mom filmed her 2-Year Old getting high and posted it on Myspace.

Just the Coolest of 2007
A copy of a speeding ticket:  205 in a 65.  The runes featured in the end of the Davinci Code at the Rosslyn Chapel were cracked.  Cannibal Chipmunks.  Dante’s tour of hell.  Virginia is the world’s wine destination.  Dracula fought the first war on terrorHedgehogs.


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The French Get Cooler and Cooler

First they elect Sarkozy.  He backs us on the world stage and understands what it takes to fight against terrorism.

Now the French Scientists are calling it like they see it when it comes to the debate on Global Warming.  One is calling Al Gore a crook and his followers religious zealots.  I think his exact words were, “M. Gore est un escroc. Et un pénis décomposé. Ses sectateurs sont tous les fanatiques religieux.”

From Bloomberg here via Drudge:

Claude Allegre, a former education minister and a physicist by profession is a Climate change skeptic. His new book, “Ma Verite Sur la Planete” (“My Truth About the Planet”), doesn’t mince words.

He calls Gore a “crook” presiding over an eco-business that pumps out cash. As for Gore’s French followers, the author likens them to religious zealots who, far from saving humanity, are endangering it. Driven by a Judeo-Christian guilt complex, he says, French greens paint worst-case scenarios and attribute little-understood cycles to human misbehavior.

He dismisses talk of renewable energies, such as wind or solar power, saying it would take a century for them to become a serious factor in meeting the world’s energy demands.

And the French are also sensible when it comes to using nuclear power.  Most of France is powered by Nuke plants which are clean and efficient. 


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Woman Finds Jesus. Woman Steals Jesus. Police Find Jesus in Woman’s Home. Police Jail Woman.

I have no idea why idiots keep trying to steal Baby Jesus dolls or statues from nativity mangers.  It might have been funny a few years ago, but seriously, its been done to death.  Even stealing gnomes from peoples’ yards is a worn out prank.  But now people are wising up and installing GPS tracking devices into the manger babies, and hilarity ensues when the idiots get busted with the stolen goods. 


Danielle Santino’s Booking Photo.

Meet Danielle Santino.  She is an idiot from Florida who thought it would be funny to steal a statue of baby Jesus from a manger.  I think the look on her face when the cops tracked her down would have been much funnier.

From Local6 here:

Police in Wellington used a GPS tracking system attached to a baby Jesus to track down the statue and arrest a woman in connection with a Dec. 26 theft.

The baby Jesus figure was stolen from a Nativity scene in Wellington Wednesday night.  Detectives tracked down the statue to a house in Wellington.

A short time later, Danielle Santino, 18, turned herself in to authorities and Santino was charged with grand theft.  The statue was returned to the village.


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Spider-Man To Work With the United Nations

The United Nations has long fantasized about trying to solve the world’s problems such as hunger, war, poverty and ethnic cleansing.  So far they have done pretty much nothing.  So why not get a fictional character with superpowers to solve the problem?

From MSNBC here:

He has fought against foes ranging from the Green Goblin to Doctor Octopus, but Spider-Man now faces an even more formidable challenge: improving the battered image of the United Nations.

In a move reminiscent of storylines developed during the World War II, the U.N. is joining forces with Marvel Comics, creators of Spider-Man and the Incredible Hulk, to create a comic book showing the international body working with superheroes to solve bloody conflicts and rid the world of disease.

The comic, initially to be distributed free to 1 million U.S. schoolchildren, will be set in a war-torn fictional country and feature superheroes such as Spider-Man working with U.N. agencies such as Unicef and the “blue hats,” the U.N. peacekeepers.

If Superheroes want to solve the problems of a war-torn country, they should call in the US Military.  Otherwise they will have to stand around scratching their asses through their lycra-spandex suits just like real blue-helmet peace-keepers do.


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Winter Windows by SeaWolf

Ever since I heard this on the radio, I loved the music. I had no idea who the artist was, nor the name of the song and Google wasn’t much of a help since you can’t submit “humming” as a search criteria.

Luckily the radio station I heard it on, 94.7 TheGlobe has an impeccable songlist log at their website and I was able to figure out who it was. The video rocks too!


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Happy Kwanzaa, Holiday of Hate

Get out your electrical cords and beat your women! Its Kwanzaa time!

Kwanzaa is a fake holiday created by a racist radical with a history of violence against women.

From Wikipedia here:

In 1971 Ron Karenga, inventor of Kwanzaa, was convicted of felony assault and false imprisonment for assaulting and torturing two women from the Us organization, Deborah Jones & Gail Davis, over a two day period.

A May 14, 1971 article in the Los Angeles Times described the testimony of one of the women: “Deborah Jones, who once was given the Swahili title of an African queen, said she and Gail Davis were whipped with an electrical cord and beaten with a karate baton after being ordered to remove their clothes. She testified that a hot soldering iron was placed in Ms. Davis’s mouth and placed against Ms. Davis’s face and that one of her own big toes was tightened in a vise. Karenga also put detergent and running hoses in their mouths, she said.”

Karenga is a paragon of virtue. We should all follow his example during this fake holiday season. So warm up those soldering irons, grab your vise grips, and take off those socks. Its Kwanzaa! This fake holiday runs starting today and going through the 1st of January. Whitey is not invited to participate.


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Sandman Chronicles

My brother and sister-in-law got me something off of my Amazon wishlist- The Absolute Sandman Volumes 1 and 2. I think this is going to be the next major movie product by Neil Gaiman and I have heard nothing but fantastic things about the comics series, and I’m all atwitter to get started on reading them.

You can get yours too by click the photos or clicking here and here.


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Great Christmas Gift

This is an awesome wine chest that my wife’s family clubbed up together to buy for me.  It’s a handmade wine chest that is as big as a Wurlitzer Juke Box.  To go with it, my brother got me a six month membership in the Virginia Winery Wines of the Month Club, so great wineries from around the region will ship me bottles.

I think it looks totally cool and rustic-  like it belongs below decks on a sailing ship.


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Christmas Caroling With Achmed the Dead Terrorist

This is an awesome clip from one of Jeff Dunham’s recent shows.  Achmed puts on a hat and sings some cheery Christmas tunes.  Hilarious!  Thanks to Tim for the link.


Achmed Sings Christmas Songs – Watch more free videos


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Muslims Sacrifice Animals on Eid-al-Adha

Christians celebrate this season with an evergreen tree, songs, and giving gifts, often by a jolly elf.  In Islam, however, they still practice blood sacrifice of goats, camels and cattle.  The butchering is done in the streets, on the ground, and the blood is allowed to drain into open sewers.


Toss the baby goat.  See if Allah will catch it.


Tie a cow to a forklift and hack at it .  Dodge the blood sprays.


The city streets are the perfect place to butcher animals for sacrifice in the name of false prophets like Mohammad.


You wonder where mulsim children become comfortable with beheadings?  Christians have “Ho Ho Ho” and Muslims have “hack hack hack.”

Thanks to SG at Sweetness and Light for the photos.  And he also reminds us that people are up in arms about abusing animals this holiday season, but no one would dare get mad at filthy Islamic barbarian rituals.  Nope, they get mad at whales wearing Santa hats like below.

From the DailyMail here:

Environmentalists are saddened by the sight of what they say is the final humiliation for the whale in a country that hunts them down with harpoons.

The beluga whales have been fitted out with the cute Santa hats to entertain the crowds at the Hakkeijima Sea Paradise on Yokohama Island.

There’s even a chance to receive a wet kiss under the mistletoe from a yuletide beluga.

Whale wearing Santa hat
Beluga whales have been fitted out with the Santa hats in a bid to draw in the Christmas crowds at the Hakkeijima Sea Paradise on Yokohama Island, Japan

Yes, its true that our culture is superior to those of these barbarians who butcher animals needlessly in the streets.


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Reason 307 to HomeSchool: Teacher Won’t Offer Better Grades for Oral Sex

Meet Isaac Tillis. He worked real hard in school so he could work as a High School math teacher, thinking that one of the perks of the job would be blowjobs on demand.

From the Smoking Gun here:

A Florida math teacher offered to give a 16-year-old female student an “A” in his class if she performed oral sex on him. Isaac Nathan Tillis, 29, was arrested yesterday after the teenager secretly recorded a conversation with him in the bathroom of Bartow High School’s teachers’ lounge.

While in the bathroom, Tillis “lowered his pants” to facilitate the barter arrangement.

Charged with soliciting sex from a minor, Tillis was booked into the Polk County jail, where he remains in custody. He has been suspended from his teaching post.

Tillis doesn’t have a creepy MySpace page. He has a creepy personal home page still up at his old college in which he encourages everyone to find Christ and become saved. It even plays Amazing Grace. And hey, he even has a page that he wrote all about hypocrisy.


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Picasso’s Portrait of Suzanne Bloch Stolen

Sounds like a job for the FBI’s Art Crime Team. Maybe they should setup a field office in Brazil.

The Portrait of Suzanne Bloch was stolen in Sao Paulo by three men.

From the BBC here:

Pablo Picasso’s Portrait of Suzanne Bloch, and The Coffee Worker by Brazil’s Candido Portinari, were taken from the Museum of Art of Sao Paulo.

The theft lasted about three minutes and was caught on security cameras.

The museum’s press service had estimated their joint worth at more than $100 Million.


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