Tired of Spam, God Deploys Undersea Firewall

With his email inbox filling up with spam, and frustrated with the lack of a working technical solution to filter the flood of chain letters, pump and dump scams, and penis growth cream advertisements, God lashed out on Tuesday and severed the undersea cable to China.

With a flick of his almighty wrist, God created an undersea earthquake that measured precisely 7.1 on the human “Richter Scale.” The results of the sea floor upheaval was the snapping of the fiber optic cable to Taiwan, through which most of the Asia-Pacific region communicates with the Western Hemisphere.

Reached by email via Bishop Wilkerson, God justified his actions by saying, “I have a nice data pipeline hosted at Level 3, and I’m tired of the rates I’m forced to pay because of botnet attacks, scans, and the spam, spam spam. I mean, L3 has done a great job for me by filtering a lot of traffic at my borders, and I use all of the latest AV products, including a spam filter. But despite those actions, APNIC addies are still seen as the source of a lot of this malicious traffic. Enough is enough.”

From AFP here:

HONG KONG (AFP) – Internet and phone services have been disrupted across much of Asia on Wednesday after an earthquake damaged undersea cables, leaving one of the world’s most tech-savvy regions in a virtual blackout.

But officials could not put a timeframe on when business lines would be fixed. “It is not a matter of days,” said Hong Seoung-Yong, a ministry official handling the problem on Wednesday. “It will take longer than that to repair the damaged lines.”

A 7.1-magnitude earthquake off the coast of Taiwan on Tuesday night, which was followed by several smaller quakes in the region, apparently damaged the vast network of underwater cables that enables modern communication.

“The Internet capacity in Taiwan is about 40 percent now, so the service is jammed,” said a spokesman for Chunghwa Telecom, Taiwan’s largest phone company.